"Pretending"

I am 34 years old, a teacher, and a respected member of society. I was an outstanding JW my whole life with many friends and people that loved me.

When I was 14 years old I was pursued by a 21 year old man who eventually 'got' me, he was older/had money and I wanted to have some fun with him. I only wanted to date, but as you know, this is not allowed in the JW religion, only with the intent to marry. I sure did not want to marry him, but eventually one thing led to another and we had premarital sex...the BIGGEST taboo and guilt trip laid on JW teenagers! He told me that the only way to get rid of this sin was to get married and that would nullify our sin by making it 'pure'. I was sick with guilt and agreed.

We got married (when I was 17) in a Kingdom Hall with everyone oblivious to the fact that we were already having sex. (Over the years I have talked many of my JW friends-MOST had premarital sex) Anyways, I should not have married him based on that kind of a foundation, but I did. The other foundation was that he was an abuser from day one. He punched me when we were dating and I was only 16, he punched me and slammed my head into the wall repeatedly before our 1st year anniversary, he beat me up in the bathroom because he thought I liked another man (NOT TRUE) by spitting on me in the shower then when I was drying myself off sitting on the toilet, he punched my head with both fists over and over again alternating sides. I was only 18 years old.

This kind of abuse continued throughout the early years of our marriage. One time at his sister-in-laws house, he beat me in the bedroom beside them where we were sleeping, I sat on the apt window and almost threw myself down. He did not try to stop me. When I was pregnant with our first, he shoved me backwards, I fell on a chair and it broke due to his force. When that child was 2 (I was 23 now) he punched me in the mouth WHILE I was holding her!! That did it, I phoned the police. They came and basically did nothing, told him that he can't treat his wife like this anymore in our society. BUT from then on, he knew I had had enough and did not touch me.

He was abusive mentally by telling me things like I must be a lesbian or something was wrong with me physically because I did not want to have sex with him. DUH...wonder why???? He would order sex videos from TV and play them for me. I was horrified that he would simplify my emotions like that and NEVER EVER recognize the hurt that I was in because of the abuse. BLAME blame blame me always for everything is what I lived with for years. I knew that people would never believe he was like this. I was part of the problem because it was me that felt I had to sacrifice myself for God-the congregation-the organization's reputation and remain silent. Pretend.

When I was 31 years old, I was tired, alone, introspective entirely and quiet towards him because for years I had tried to right my marriage and do the Christian thing by trying but there was nothing from him. I had given up long before he was aware of it. I had met someone else, but was not having a sexual relationship with that person. I was forthright with my husband and told him everything, that I wanted OUT. I wanted a divorce, a separation, anything. Well, he went totally off the deep end. Threatening suicide, telling me that the devil and him wanted me dead, telling me that I asked for the abuse, threatening to burn down the house with me and the kids in it, forcing me to stand before him naked so he could see if I had shaved my pubic area, stealing my credit cards, cutting off long distance on the phone so I could not call my family and friends, going through all my personal effects on my person and elsewhere, stalking me, on and on the story goes.

He begged me to meet with the elders, I did because he was so sick in every way, I felt sooo sorry for him that I agreed. For the first time ever, I told them EVERYTHING about our marriage. They cried, one elder turned to my husband and said, "Did you really do all this to your wife?" My husband said, "Yes" with his head hung down. I told them that I still wanted out but would try. It did not work out, I was done.

One night, I kindly handed him a separation agreement. He again reacted with anger and ripped it to shreds. Told me that if he ever saw me and this other guy together he would put his hands around his neck and squeeze until all life was gone and would do this right in front of me. I said horrified, "YOU can't say things like that! I am phoning the cops!" He said he would just lie and tell them he never said it. BUT the thing was, my 10 year old heard it, came out of her bedroom and told him so. He went white and ran to our bedroom. I phoned the police. A woman came to the house. I went out to the car and told her my entire story. I lost it, I was bawling and could barely breathe. She insisted that she go and arrest him. She said that she did not want to be back tomorrow morning picking my body up from the ground. He was exhibiting all the signs of murdering me and she knew that he had lost control. She marched in, arrested him, to which he was so belligerent that she almost drew her gun on him. He was charged and he admitted guilt in court, he pled down to a lesser charge so that I did not have to go to court and tell the above story.

We are divorced now. I met someone AFTER the separation and am happier than I could have dreamt. 2 years married now. Of course I was disfellowhipped for this. My ex-husband was only publicly reproved before the congregation for beating on me for years as well as all the other things he committed. My sin was leaving an abusive relationship that should have never happened in the first place and finding unbelievable love that is stronger every day I am with him. I would not trade my new husband for one family member that is currently ignoring me. I could not care less about those that do not want to associate with me now. HE broke the marriage bond first, not me. I should have had a scriptural divorce and been free of him.

Has it all been worth it? I have 5 siblings. Only 1 will not speak to me as the others are not Witnesses and 1 refuses to buy into their disfellowshipping regime. My mother has nothing to do with me as her new husband is the overseer in her congregation. Appearances are everything. My father is not a JW so NO problems there at all. JW are a camouflaged race cleansing regime. They believe that they are superior to all and that God will interrupt and destroy the lives of billions to save 6 million hypocrites. They have silenced me and branded me an unrepentant sinner. For this, I am very bitter. How can they judge my heart? I have met amazingly loving people since I was freed and KNOW that God would not and will not operate so unlovingly either now or in the future. God is love. JWs preach and practice hate, yet sugarcoat it with promises of paradise, love for neighbor and thousands of other false words. Worse of all they do it all in the name of God. Members are lulled into a sense of righteous indignation and made to feel that they are justified to hurt one of God's children.

Your supporter from the depth of my heart.

Michelle

The following is a heartfelt poem of mine:


HOW CAN YOU?

How can someone raise and then not?
How can someone's blood run through another yet not?
How can someone say they love another, and yet not show it ever?
How can someone say that they will be there, yet never are?
How can someone assume that they are not needed for eternity?
How can someone say they listen yet always talk?
How can they act like God approves of tossing off their blood?
How can they love strangers more than their own?
How can they treat others with love, yet their own with anger and apathy?
Where do they find endless patience for strangers, yet not an ounce of understanding for what is theirs?
Why would they side with hurt and danger, and not with true love and safety?
Why do they act like they do not feel?
How do they feel when they do not act?
How do they feel when they are needed, yet refuse?
How do they sleep at night?
How does one bury a natural instinct?
How do they stop it from welling up and exploding?
Where do thoughts of the past go?
How do you not ache for what should run so deep?
What is their life about if not about pure love of what you brought here?
How can you shut the door when not one of your very own could shut the door on you, ever?
How can you judge when not one of yours could eternally judge you?
Why are you angry when we are the innocent ones?
Why don't you know better?
Why don't you learn?
Why are you the only one that has the right to try again?
Why are you always right, and others always wrong?
How can we be misguided and the one that should have guided, claims they have guidance?
Why did you not impart guidance?
Where are you?
Why do you want to be alone in this world?
Why are we never worthy of your expectations?
What must we do?
What could we do?
Why even try?
How could you call yourself a mother?


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