I was born into a Catholic family and went to a Catholic school but hated it
and everything about the Catholic religion. When I started high school, I
attended a public school and there I met many other kids from different
religions (that was when I started to "church hop"). I was looking for
something, not knowing what it was and not finding it. I had an empty feeling in
me that I couldn't fill and I related it to not knowing God and wanting to. I
guess it was somewhere around that time that my brother and his wife became JWs,
so that was my first encounter with that organization. I had nothing to do with
it but to give my brother the room to practice his religion with out problems
from me.
As time went by I started drinking to try and replace whatever was missing in my
life. I turned so wild that my drinking got out of control. My life consisted of
booze, parties and more booze. During this time I still church hopped but found
nothing that I could believe in or maybe wanted to believe in. Somewhere during
this time I got married and the drinking got worse, but by now it wasn't enough
for me and I needed more to get high, so now came the drugs. During that time I
had two children who I wanted very much, but the drinking and drugs still
continued. The marriage by this time was headed for trouble, but not the way one
would expect. One day I knew that I had to stop or I'd die from this lifestyle,
but I couldn't, it was too late. I went to an AA meeting one day and thought
that this might help. I stayed dry and clean for a little over a year but it
presented problems with my husband and put my marriage on very shaky ground.
During this time I ended up in the mental ward with a total breakdown and no
hope of coming out of it. Somehow, I did.
I went back to the marriage only to find out that the only way it would work was
if I stayed drunk, so needless to say, I did. There I was, a bottle in one hand
and a bible in the other, not knowing what to do or where to go. Religion turned
me off and no one taught the bible, so I thought. I'd buy all kinds of books on
how to understand the bible, what the writer thought was going to take place,
anything that I thought would help me find God. I managed to find a book called
"Babylon Mystery Religion." This book discussed idol worship and all
that was wrong with the Catholic religion and others. Here I was raised as a
Catholic in the midst of all that. Even though I had left it some years earlier,
it still angered me to think that I had been a part of it. It was then that I
remembered the JWs and the things I heard from my brother and his wife, and also
remembered that I never saw a cross anywhere around their building, so I needed
to check this out. They used the bible a lot and they were different, so maybe
that's where I should look. I called the Kingdom Hall and set up an appointment
to talk to someone about it.
I was unable to keep that appointment because of a death of a friend and her
family (car accident), but I did reschedule it for another time and kept it. My
first encounter was at the hall was when I went to meet them and also to check
it out, that was in Feb.1982. I stayed dry and clean that Sunday and I looked
that place over with a fine toothcomb. All my questions that day were answered
and the people I met there put their selves out for me. That day we set a time
for a visit and study because I wanted so much to find out more about this place
that was so different then any church I had ever attended. Those people were so
friendly and kind I couldn't help but like them right from the start.
A study was started the next day. I'm not sure when it happened but I do
remember reading in the bible about drunkards not inheriting God's Kingdom, and
it did something to me. I'm not sure what it was, but at that moment I made up
my mind that I no longer could drink or take drugs or smoke. So I called the
person that was studying with me and asked if I had read that scripture right,
and if what I thought it was saying was right. Of course she said yes, so right
then and there I threw the booze down the drain, all the booze in the house,
tore up the cigarettes and flushed all the drugs down the toilet. The next day
and many more to follow were almost unbearable for me and for her too. We
studied; I went to all the meetings and studied more and more, all I could.
After awhile my husband started to study, but he studies for the wrong reasons.
My father at this point disowned me for studying and said that I was no longer a
daughter of his. Yet I knew the bible said that might take place, and I thought
that when he saw that I was happy he'd change his mind. He didn't though.
I went fast, I studied at least three times a week with someone and everyday by
myself. I went to all the meetings, out in service and then I wanted to get
baptized. That really shook everyone up. The elders called a meeting with the
person that was studying with me and then another with me. They called the
overseer and he talked to me for a long time and then decided that if I could
answer the questions I could get baptized. So the day I had to meet an elder for
the questions we had a blizzard and we all got snowed in, so I walked through it
for three miles, got there and answered the questions. So on my first assembly
only three months after I first contacted the JWs, I got baptized. Then at my
third assembly the person who studied with me and myself told of how I became a
witness and what lead up to my baptism. I felt so good at that time; I was on
top of the world, higher then a kite and so happy. The Witnesses saved my life
and I was no longer drinking or taking drugs. They were the greatest people in
the world and now it was my turn to help others turn over their lives to Jehovah
and live. I couldn't just go out in service. No, that wasn't good enough; it had
to be more alot more. Eager and willing, within six months I was a full-time
pioneer and out there doing my best and giving it my all, for I owed my life to
Jehovah.
During this time my husband told me that in no uncertain terms was he going to
remain married to me. If I wanted to save the marriage I had to leave the JWs
and go back to life the way it was before. I remember asking, "Does that
include drinking and all that?" and he replied, "YES!" No way was
I ever going back to all that, not for him or anyone. So I told him I couldn't
do it, so the divorce proceedings started. Now just after becoming a pioneer and
now getting a divorce, elder meetings became a part of life for me. It seemed
that every meeting ended with an elders meeting. One sister thought that that
opened the door for her to get into pioneering because she had been divorced and
they wouldn't allow her to pioneer, so now we had meetings about that. Then
another thought that since I was being divorced that I should be removed as a
pioneer, so that meant more meetings. Then whether I should allow or agree to
the divorce brought about more meetings. Finally, after getting a letter written
by my husband that he would NOT stay married to me as long as I was a JW or had
anything whatever to do with them, that stopped the meetings because they
realized that I had no choice in the matter. Freedom from elders meetings !!!!!!
Remember that I had only been a JW for six months and associated with them for
nine months when all this took place. But I knew I would get opposition from
somewhere but never did I think it would come this way and so much at once.
Now it came time for the agreements of the divorce, and for my children to make
a choice where they were going to stay, with their dad, or me. I never thought
for once that I would lose a child, but their decision also brought in whether
they wanted to be part of the JWs or not. I wasn't worried though; because I
knew that they saw a difference in me and they liked the new me so there
wouldn't be a problem, right? WRONG, so very wrong. My daughter, my beautiful
daughter decided to stay with her father. Talk about heartbreak, mine was torn
to pieces. How could I, after going through all of this, now lose my daughter,
the child that meant my life? She was so beautiful and wonderful, no mother was
ever so proud of a daughter as I was of her. Now I had to face life without her
and it seemed so impossible to me, so all I did was dive further into the
Witnesses, "bible" studies and whatever to fill that emptiness. My son
stayed with me, but he was my boy and that was the way it was right from the
start. I knew that I had him and he'd do whatever I wanted to be with me.
Together we did whatever it took to make a home and new life for ourselves. But
to make it worse, the day before the divorce was final, my husband filed for
bankruptcy! Now not only was I losing a family but everything I had. I was in
complete despair. I was beginning to see a side of my husband that I never saw
before, a hateful person out to hurt me and break me. So I decided to leave and
move to where pioneers were needed and start all over again. I ran, not staying
and dealing with the problems.
After all I had Jehovah on my side so it had to work for me right!! Now it's
been fifteen months that I had been a JW, and only three months longer that I
had been dry and clean and by now things in my head were starting to clear, and
reality set in. I had to deal with all that came down. Being afraid to, I
started to push it all back into my mind not thinking about it or dealing with
it. After all I gave it all to Jehovah, so why should it be my problem now?
We moved to a small town with only two Kingdom Halls, and most everyone there
was related in some way or another and if they weren't related they knew each
other or a family member. It was a different kind of congregation then what I
came from but after all it was Jehovah's so I knew that all would be fine in
time. Now I was approached about going to pioneer school and arrangements were
made and then the overseer realized that I hadn't been a pioneer for a full
year, short by one month so I had to wait until next year. That year went by
fast and I went. I met another sister who would turn out to be my best friend
and very dearest sister. She lived about a four-hour drive form me but that
didn't matter, at least we didn't let it matter, and we were there for each
other whenever needed. She was just wonderful and we together were a team that
shined like a star in the sky. She had the opportunity to travel all over to
serve where the need was greater and she shared all her experiences with me and
I in turn shared them with everyone at the hall. It got to the point that in the
summer when she got back from one of her trips she would come over to my home
and we would have many friends over to share in the experience, it came to be a
thing to look forward to each year. We used to go to our own assemblies and each
other's. I loved being a JW and loved all the brothers and sisters, they were
just the most wonderful people in the world.
I don't know when it happened or how it happened but things started to change
for me (inside of me) not with anyone else. It wasn't the same as before. I was
seeing things differently and questioning beliefs that I had previously
accepted. [Stupid me] I talked to someone about it and was approached by an
elder. I learned fast to keep my mouth shut, but by then my friend realized that
all was not right with me. I did talk to her and she never said anything to
anyone, so we talked and talked. I stopped pioneering and let up on meeting
attendance, field service and the whole bit. She dropped everything and came
running to try to help in what ever manner she could. I think we kept the long
distance telephone company in business for well over a year.
All that stuff from when I moved came back: the loss of my father, family,
friends, marriage and daughter. It seemed to mesh with my doubts about the
organization. Soon, when I would go out in service I knew that I was lying,
deceiving and misleading those at the door. It got to the point that I got both
physically and emotionally sick about it all and I couldn't do it anymore. But
fear of leaving and being alone kept me there for over a year. It reached a
point where all I could think about was ending it all by killing myself. I lived
with that thought for months, I went to bed with it, I woke up with it and
thought about it all day. I was so depressed, confused and filled with anger
that I knew that either I had to do it or do something about it. Then the
thought entered my mind, "What if I messed up and didn't do it right and
lived, what a mess that would be!" I don't know why, but I called a pioneer
at the hall and told her how I was feeling. She told me that if I wanted to do
it (suicide) right, she could tell me how too! I got so mad that I slammed down
the phone and right then and there I made the decision that in no way was I
going to kill myself! I'd just disassociate myself.
I disassociated myself in November of 1989, but it wasn't announced at the hall
until January of 1990 for some odd reason. The day it was to be read, an elder
called my friend and told her, and so she called me. We talked for hours, she
offered to go with me to speak to the overseer, she was sure that I could change
everything if I just talked to him. That way I could still be in the
organization. The next night we talked again, but knowing then that was the last
time we'd ever talk or be together, it hurt so much and for so long, even to
this day.
Before I was able to get things patched up with my father, he died hating me and
not having anything to do with me. As I stood at his grave all I could do was
scream the word "WHY" but of course it didn't help. Until this day I
can't get over not fixing up things between my dad and myself, and I still get
emotional whenever I think about it.
In June of 1991 I had three heart attacks and died four times but I wouldn't
stay dead and ended up having my heart repaired. I was as if I were given time
to fix up my life and lost relationships before I check out of this world! I
started over and did take care of most of it. I never did take care of the
spiritual part, though. I reached the point that I didn't know if God was for
real or not, and didn't know where this "Jesus" fit into it all. At
times I got so angry that I would say, "If you're for real, then
------------" and so on.
I went from November of 1989 until July of 1996 not being able to talk to anyone
about my feelings that I had from being a JW. Somehow on the Internet I
contacted Tim Campbell. He in turn got me on an e-mail list for former JWs. Then
I received a post from Ros and I filed it away for a while, until I got up
enough nerve to reply and needless to say, here I am today.
My daughter and I have a wonderful relationship once again. It took a lot of
hard work for the both of us, but it was worth it. I now have a beautiful
grandson whom I love very much, and another on the way. My life seems to be
falling in place and I seem to be able to make some sense out of what took place
with me during the time I was a Jehovah's Witness.
I have found God and Jesus in my life now, and am on the path of spiritual
recovery. It's wonderful to be where I am now in my life and I can't wait to see
what comes next for me. I love who I am and where I am now.
For me, that's a miracle.
About March of 97 I got interested in the way Jesus lived and started to study
about His life as a Jew. While posting on the net one day I got a post from a
person that I had been writing to and he told me he was a Messianic Jew. That
got my interest and I started to study about what a Messianic Jew was and what
they believed.
I then stated an e-mail group called Messianic Friends to learn more. While I
was on there another Jew posted me and asked if I wanted to know what my name
was in Hebrew, of I replied that I did. He wrote to his Rabbi in Jerusalem who
is also a prophet and asked him. The strangest thing took place from that point;
something no one could haven known unless I told them. He said that my last name
was not what I was going by, that is was something different. That is true, but
I never told anyone else. When my grandfather came to this country they changed
his last name to Gust and he told anyone, not even his children what it was
before. He also said that I am Jewish because some where in my back ground some
one was Jewish. That also was true, it was my great-great grandmother who was.
From that point my interest grew and kept growing.
As time went by I found a Messianic Jewish Synagogue about 100 miles from where
I live and I started to attend. Today I am a Messianic Jew and a member of the
Synagogue.
Kathy Gust
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