Growing Up as a Gay Jehovah's Witness
by Josh (Australia)
online discussion of this story
I feel the need to express how I feel and felt about my life
as a gay man. I was brought up from birth as a Jehovah’s
Witness. This has played a major part in my life and it has been
a real struggle to get past.
I remember when I was really young, feeling strange whenever I
would see a man without a shirt on. I used to get really giggly
and flustered. Picking up little crush’s for some men I didn’t
understand that I was gay. As the years went on I continued to
have these feelings and as I got into high school they started
getting stronger.
At this stage I started to realise what I was considered by
society and the boy that was once bright and open and very
talkative ceased to exist and I replaced it with shyness,
quietness and sadness. I had also started experimenting with
masturbation, to me I think it started off harmless enough, not
realising at first that what I was doing wasn’t accepted by
Jehovah’s people or Jehovah. Finally realising that I had a
problem (A problem considered by Jehovah’s Witnesses but normal
by society and for most teenagers) with masturbation I
desperately tried to stop. I would feel so guilty for doing the
act and for the things I was thinking during. Afterwards I would
plunge into massive depression and guilt.
I felt that if I was redeemable in the slightest to Jehovah I
had wrecked my chances of that by sinning so badly. I felt
totally disgusting, I had no self worth. Many times I had
thought out how I was going to kill myself. I would often be
crumpled on my bedroom floor behind my closed door and cry my
eyes out till I fell asleep. I would beg Jehovah to help me, I
was so scared that he didn’t approve of me. But Jehovah never
answered my prayers which made me feel worse, to me it was proof
that I was disgusting in his eyes. I can’t tell you how that can
make you feel, I was never, not even from birth, worthy.
Mum used to worry about me a lot, I learnt to cry when she had
gone out so as not to concern her anymore than she was. She
thought that I was upset because I had no friends, she didn’t
realise that was a result from me withdrawing myself from
people. Not even understanding myself at the time fully what
would have happened had I been my real self in front of people.
(Witnesses) To me telling people how I felt and that I was gay
was never an option, I couldn’t have been further from the idea
of reaching out for help about it. As far as I had been taught
about such things, I was beyond help. I was simply waiting for
Jehovah to destroy me at Armageddon.
At that stage I think I started to decide that I had nothing to
lose, so I started doing my best as far as becoming a servant of
Jehovah. It was difficult to say the least. Being a single
parent child isn’t the easiest thing to be at the Kingdom Hall.
Putting my best effort in I would regularly go out on field
service after becoming an Unbaptised Publisher, I would
pre-study my watchtower for the Sunday meetings and we were
nearly always in attendance. I would prepare for the book study.
And would answer up and take notes during meetings.
But despite doing all of this on and off up till the age of
about 19 Jehovah still didn’t answer my prayers. Things were
becoming tight for Mum and myself monetary wise and we didn’t
get a lot of support from the brothers and sisters. Despite Mum
being a regular pioneer and me reaching out for more
responsibilities we felt very alone, we were never invited out
with other brother and sisters. I remember many a time mum and I
would cry ourselves sick holding each other asking why we were
not being helped, what were we doing wrong ?
I remember there being a specific talk being given about
Jehovah’s blessing not being given to those that are sinning. I
remember it being said that Jehovah doesn’t even hear your
prayers because of your sinful state. At that point I came to
the realisation that my inner feelings for other men was the
cause of our lack of blessings. I felt completely blood guilty
that mum and my punishment was all because of me. After all of
that effort I still felt disgusting in Jehovah’s eyes. How could
I live with myself ? I was constantly fearful that Armageddon
was almost here.
At this stage I dropped off from my meeting attendance, no
pre-study, no prayer … nothing. Feeling as though I was already
condemned by Jehovah and his people, I no longer saw the point
in actually breaking my back for Jehovah, why would I serve a
person that would condemn me for not having a choice in this
stinking life I was given ?
So there I was, I had no friends, I had no life, I was useless
to everyone. Even having come this far I was still not even
thinking about coming out of the closet. I never thought I would
ever be accepted for who I am. Being isolated the way I was kept
me from knowing that gay people are widely accepted as part of
society here in Australia. Eventually in the lead up to my
‘coming out’ I started to become very sick. I was never hungry
so I never ate, I felt as if I had the worst flu. I was sick
like this for I think about 9 weeks, it was continually getting
worse. Mum had to make me drink meal replacement drinks just to
basically keep me alive.
Doing nothing but crying and sleeping the days became darker and
darker for me. I had started thinking that I might be dead soon
and how that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. My mum was
desperately worried about me and forced me to go to the doctor
once more. The doctor finally diagnosed me with extremely
aggressive depression and I was prescribed antidepressants. To
me saying I was depressed didn’t seem to click with the way I
was feeling. I actually physically felt sick, I felt like I was
dying. Not realising that after a life time of suppression and
feeling like I’m waiting for my death sentence that depression
could make me feel any physical problem under the sun.
Not long after I was diagnosed with depression we were waiting
at home for a visit from the elders. Mum was so desperate with
how sick I was she rang one of the elders she felt closest with
and as soon as he got on the phone mum broke down and pleaded
with him to come and see me, she was so choked up with tears on
the phone she could barely speak. To see mum like that was
unbearable for me. I was laid on the couch, I couldn’t move from
exhaustion. I remember that it was getting dark outside and the
lights weren’t on in the lounge room. Mum sat down after getting
off the phone and pleaded with me, was there anything she could
do. With tears constantly welling in my eyes I told her there
wasn’t. I told her that I can’t fight anymore, I feel I just
need to let go. The room went silent, I could see mums face
dimly lite from the street lights.
And then she said it - “Is there anything your not telling me?”
My brain went straight to my being gay but I stayed silent. She
pleaded with me and asked again .. more forcefully. I said to
her there was something but I didn’t want to tell her. She asked
me why. I said that I couldn’t say. She pleaded again. “Mum, if
I told you, I’m scared you wouldn’t be able to accept me.” I
managed to force out. She went very quiet for a while. The
quietness was agonising, I knew that I had given her to much
information already, she had to realise now that I am gay.
Finally she said that no matter what it was that I was hiding
she loved me and was worried that if I didn’t stop hiding ‘it’ I
would get sicker. I stayed silent. Mum finally said “Are you the
same as the guy in the Pet Shop Boys?” She had often heard me
listening to a few PSB’s albums that I had, I guess it was my
only gay expression I was able. I don’t think she wanted to say
the ‘gay’ word. All I said was “Mum!” in a way that told her
“Please stop!” I guess she was really determined though, she
came out with it … “Are you gay?”
Having no fight left in me, physically weak, mentally
extinguished and emotionally dead I managed the word yes. I felt
like I was falling into the deepest endless pit of blackness and
I was on the edge of passing out I began to weep for my death.
Mum assured me that she loves me and wants me to become well
again. Looking back I remember saying to her after that, that
she was only saying that because I was sick and I knew she
couldn’t accept who I was. She denied it and I think she
believed it to. About half an hour after coming out to mum the
elders arrived. I must have looked a pitiable site because they
seemed completely moved as soon as they saw me. They said a few
encouraging things about Jehovah loving me which I knew wasn’t
true. Mum asked me in front of them if I wanted to tell them
what I had just told her. I said I didn’t and mum asked if she
wanted her to tell them. I just started weeping again. Mum told
the elders that I was gay and they told me that Jehovah loved me
no matter what and that he wants me to get better. I started to
bawl my eyes out. They started to pray for me and I couldn’t
keep conscious any longer, I passed out.
It's so hard making that step .. my body forced me to come out
.. I’d had a nervous break down This secret had to come out.
Days afterwards I still wasn’t any better, mum called the locum
to come and visit me. When he arrived he doctor he spoke to me
quite a bit and told me that I needed to go to hospital
immediately, it almost felt like he picked me up and carried me
in his arms there. I actually don’t remember how I got to
hospital but I was admitted to the mental problems ward in
Charles Gardener Hospital.
I started slowly getting better after that. One of the nurses on
the ward was gay and came and spoke to me one night I was
crying, he spoke about being gay and that he was gay, that
everything would be alright. I remember hating him because I
still believed that being gay was wrong and he was telling me to
be open about my sexuality. It was so confronting and I fought
against it with all my will. What an idiot I was. For those that
haven’t been brought up from birth in a religion such as
Jehovah’s Witnesses it might be very difficult to understand the
way I felt. Anyways I continually got better and better, I
started to gain weight again after dropping down to 49kgs. I
went home from the hospital a few weeks afterwards and started
my recovery at home.
So what happened after I got better ? Well hell started to break
loose didn’t it ? Many Witnesses said they accepted me for who I
was. But what that meant for most of them was "I will tolerate
you but you have to change your thinking." The elders came and
saw me again a couple of times with a completely different
attitude to the night I came out.
You see it wasn’t good enough for me to simply not talk about
being gay, I actually was told that I had to work on not
thinking gay. I couldn't work out how to do that, I had always
been the same. One brother actually asked me “If you were to
look at pornographic material of a girl would it arouse me?” Of
course I said no .. and then he asked the same thing about
seeing a man the same way and I said yes it would arouse me. He
looked completely disgusted. This kind of thing seemed the theme
of their visits.
So as far as I was concerned .. Enough was enough. People who
said they would help me only ended up stabbing me in the back.
Soon the entire congregation knew my sexuality. So I stopped
having anything to do with Jehovah’s Witnesses. After I had got
better I had began to realise that life was very different than
Jehovah’s Witnesses say it is. I started learning a new way of
life and started healing myself. I think though I will continue
to heal myself for a very long time from now. I guess me writing
this is all part of the healing process.
It took me till the age of 21 to finally come out, I have found
the man I love and adore and he treats me so well. I am very
happy for the place I stand at this point in time. It hasn’t
been easy to write this and I have been crying for most of the
time I have been typing it.
There isn’t anything left to say except I wish I didn’t have to
go through all of this to get where I am today.
Josh