In many churches today (as well as societies) women are treated as second-class citizens. Some churches do not allow woman to perform even a simple task in the functions of the church such as, researching for sermons, organizing church activities, assisting with seating or sound functions, sharing their thoughts and ideas on matters or any other activities. Some churches however, go completely opposite and ordain woman as ministers, allow them to give public talks and use them in every area of church functions or business. Which way is the correct way? While there can be no absolutes and it is up to the church itself as mandated by their own conscience what role women should play, looking at the view of women held in the early church and more importantly by our Lord Jesus himself can help us have a balanced view in this area.

Cultural View of women during the early church time

Women in the first century were viewed through patriarchal eyes. Women were not given the same rights as men, or for that matter, slaves. They were objects that were meant to please and serve men. A woman's main function was to run the home and raise the children and her main focus was to be in the home. Women were not allowed to vote. Women not permitted in public prayer nor could a man talk to a woman in public, or for that matter, women were not even allowed to talk in public, and they had to keep their heads covered. Women lived under the rule of the Roman Empire consisting of male authority. Most of the ancient cultures either by law or custom, excluded women from religious worship or public domain, which comprised a large part of the world's ideas and cultural and creative contributions. Women were also viewed as "unclean" during menstruation and after childbirth, which would isolate them from society even further during and after each of these events.

Jesus' treatment of women at that time

Although Jesus was not a champion of women's rights, he treated women like people which contrasted his Jewish background and runs counter-culture to how a man treated women (Searching the Scripture, p.120).

Jesus went against prevailing traditions and attitudes toward women. Men did not speak to women in public, did not allow them public prayer and certainly did not allow them to serve in worship services. Jesus spoke to women in public, such as the Samaritan woman at the well (John Chapter 4) and allowed women to become deaconesses. This is contrary to rabbinical trends (Women and World Religions, p 312). Jesus' attitude toward women would have been depicted as being un-Jewish according to the standards at that time.

The fact that Jesus even conversed with women, going against the prevailing tradition of the time, must have been seen as an outrage. In the bible book of Luke the text validates the importance of women and their contribution to Jesus' ministry and gives detailed descriptions of how Jesus interacted with them. If Jesus really did treat women as equals, listen to their opinions, taught them and loved them without judgment, women must have flocked to him. Luke commonly uses Jesus' interaction with women to reveal his concept of Jesus' character. Two specific examples include Jesus comforting the widow of Nain and having compassion on a prostitute, a practice unheard of in that society or in our own society. Do we have compassion on prostitutes? Do we see them as lonely, lost and exploited or do we look at them as drugged-out women who don't deserve compassion or forgiveness? Jesus looked beyond externals to the constitution of the soul.  In Luke 8:1-3 he includes a summary of the part women played in Jesus' ministry. Accompanying him are numerous female disciples whom he has healed and who now support him and the male disciples "out of their own resources.

Also according to the Luke gospel, it appears that women were greatly supportive of Jesus in his ministry. In first Century Jerusalem, it was not common practice for a woman to support a man. It isn't common practice today. It goes against social mores, yet Jesus allowed these women to support him in his work so he could be free about "his Father's business." "Unlike his contemporaries, Jesus was not derogatory about women's nature, ability or religious capacities." Both women and men came into Jesus' vision as individual people who don't have the burden of stereotype. We see Jesus dealing with a woman personally, intimately and against the grain of prevailing male-female relations and boundaries.

Luke also records that Paul converted several "Greek women in high standing" in Macedonia. (Acts 16:14, 17:4) It may be relevant that in Hellenistic times Macedonia was famous for producing aristocratic and royal ladies of outstanding vigor, from Olympia, mother of Alexander the Great, to Cleopatra VII last of the great rulers of Egypt. For early Christian women, economic status significantly shaped the ways they could participate in Christian Communities.

Early Church's treatment of women

The Book of Ephesians endorses rigid social and domestic hierarchy of the day but makes the system more humane by insisting that Christian love apply to all and that men love their wives as Christ loves the church. (Ephesians 5:25) Women whose husbands die were "better off" because they didn't have divided loyalties and could be of more service to the church. If an unbeliever leaves believing spouse, she is "exonerated" from the stigma of divorce. The advantages sometimes belong to the unmarried state as furnishing better opportunities for doing good, did much to create the impression that to abstain from marriage is a praiseworthy act of self-denial. The most esteemed writers, from Cyprian back as far as Justin Martyr, give special honor to the class of women who from early times chose to remain single and devote themselves to doing good (History of the Christian Church, p. 62). Women were allowed to hold the position of deaconesses in the early church. Although limited as to their functions, women could become deaconesses but they were not allowed to baptize or preach. Many women opened their homes to the church, which is comprised of a body of believers rather than a building. Lydia is mentioned in Acts for opening her home. And Paul thanks Phoebe in Romans chapter 16 for her administration of church duties and asks other believers to support her administration. Women made considerable contributions to the development of Christianity in the first four centuries (Searching the Scriptures, p. 291). The book of Acts also mentions Tabitha, Lydia and Mary who opened their homes as well. Women were given the opportunity for service and purpose in the home and outside of the home in the community.

Contrary to some popular teaching about biblical submission, the Bible never portrays women as silent shadows that have little to contribute mentally or spiritually. In fact, women played an important role in Jesus' ministry and in the spread of Christianity. The following list contains just a few of the valuable spiritual contributions women have made in the history of the church.

• Mary and Martha were close friends of Jesus (Luke 10:38-39)
• Mary anointed Jesus prior to his death. (John 12:3)
• Many women lamented Jesus' crucifixion (Luke 23:27-31 and John 19:25)
• Women were the first to visit Jesus' tomb on Resurrection morning (Luke 23:55-24:1)
• Early church leaders responded positively to widows' complaints (Acts 6:1-6)
• Dorcas was "abounding with deeds of kindness and charity" throughout her community. When Peter later raised her from the dead, many townspeople believed in Christ (Acts 9:36-42)
• The church gathered in Mary's home to pray for Peter (Acts 12:12)
• Women gathered for worship at Philippi, where Paul spoke to them (Acts 16:13)
• Lydia was a successful businesswoman. She became a Christian and prevailed upon Paul and his colleagues to meet in her home (Acts 16:14-15)
• In Thessalonica " a number of the leading women" were responsive to Paul and Silas' teaching (Acts 17:4)
• In Berea "many...believed, along with a number of prominent Greek women." (Acts 17:12)
• Priscilla and Aquila, her husband, were partners in church work (Acts 18:2 and 18:19)
• Both Priscilla and Aquila corrected Apollo's theology (Acts 18:26)
• Paul mention Phoebe as a "servant of the church... a helper of many and myself" (Romans 16:1)
• Paul calls Priscilla "a fellow worker" (Romans 16:3)
• "Chloe's people" gave Paul information on the Corinthian problems (1 Corinthians. 1:11)
• Paul lets unmarried women "stay as they are" so they can serve the Lord and not be forced into marriage (1 Corinthians 7:28)
• Widows were given special attention, assistance and care (1 Timothy 5:3-6)

Strengths of women (grace, hospitality, nurturers) balancing strengths of men

Many women are quoted in the Bible for their strengths, which are meant to balance the strengths of men. The Hebrew Bible mentions Deborah who was a judge and a prophetess (Judges 4-5) and she is credited with a military victory.

Modern Judaism can claim such outstanding women as Henrietta Szold who is Founder of the Hadassah Medical Organization, and Golda Meir, the Prime Minister of Israel.

Whereas men have physical strength, logical thinking and often can see things in only black and white, women are the nurturers, add emotional depth and can see the gray areas; women also have the ability to give birth, which requires a high tolerance of pain! Women and men however can share similar qualities such as intelligence, a sense of humor creativity and the ability to lead and teach.

In the Genesis account of creation, we read how God created both men and women. Women are of equal value in God's eyes. Although men and women are created for different purposes and as many psychologists can attest, have different thinking patterns, women were meant to be an integral part of humanity and have purpose and significance in God's creation and purpose. If not, why would God ignore half of the population He created?

Bibliography

Searching the Scriptures - publisher Herder & Herder 1997, Author: Elizabeth Fiorenza

Women and World Religions - publisher Prentice Hall, 2001 Author: Lucinda Joy Peach

History of the Christian Church - publisher Hendrickson Publishers, 1996

Article by: Lilly Cruz 2006

I don't believe a day ever passes without my getting a distress call from either a woman whose husband is a JW and is a tyrant, or who is seeking to leave the Watchtower and her husband is threatening divorce, or worse. What could be worse, you say? Usually these situations are accompanied by either physical or emotional abuse, and often if there are children the threat of a custody suit is hung over the woman's head.

This is not to say that it doesn't work the other way around, either. There are many cases where the wife has just become a Witness, or who is persecuting her husband for either leaving or not becoming a Witness. But the potential for abuse is usually less in such cases. Why? Largely due to the Watchtower's view of women.

Jehovah's Witnesses will emphatically point out that they do not consider women to be lesser creatures, and that God created male and female equal. The Watchtower magazine often carries positive articles about give-and-take in the marital arrangement, and how husbands should respect their wives, etc. But since the Watchtower is a strong hierarchical system, run by several old men in Brooklyn who grew up long before women's lib affected our modern society, it is not surprising that many of their attitudes towards women would be passed off to others in the organization, especially those who have a proclivity towards ill-treatment of women.

Of course, there are many loving husbands among the ranks of Jehovah's Witnesses. This is not an indictment against all. But in this article I will point out what scriptures the Witnesses like to focus on, their understanding of headship, and how their teachings differ from actual practice. Additionally, we will see how seeking position in the congregation puts extra strain on the wife.

Typically, it happens like this:

The husband runs into an old friend or work acquaintance who starts telling him about JWs and world conditions, etc. The husband starts a study, and discovers his life can have new meaning by adopting a new cause, and that is saving the world (as well as his family). This becomes like a drug which pushes him to more activity, which in turn feeds his zealousness. The husband may feel like he is waking up from a long sleep, and that life is now more exciting and dramatic. The Watchtower tells the husband that the devil is out to dissuade him from the "truth," and that he will use every means possible to keep him away from meetings and field service, and will especially seek to work through his wife and children. This phobia, coupled with the strong encouragement by the elders to "be the head of his household," drives a man to be fanatical. A total personality change may occur, as what happened in the following letter, recently sent in by a reader who wishes her name not mentioned in case her husband finds out:

Dear Randy,

   I really need and enjoy your newsletter. My husband was just baptized in June after studying only five months. I live, for the most part, with an absolute stranger. He's become rude, pompous and abusive! He is like a robot. They told him to refuse his own pre-donated blood during major back surgery last year... and he did. They told him he should quit his job as a police officer... and just two weeks ago, he did! He is gone 13-14 hrs. per week at meetings and out in "service," and is constantly reading their little books. He's told me to convert or "get out" several times--I feel he is pushing me out, perhaps at their directive? I've told him only Satan wants our marriage to fail but I'm just about worn out! You certainly know this scenario by now.

   What I really need help with is if you or any of your readers have any statistics on what happens to the children in divided homes like ours? I am so concerned about our two and three year-end little girls. At this point, they have never been in a Kingdom Hall but go to church with me. However, he is starting to talk about taking them with him. I don't know what to do. Won't it be terribly confusing for them to attend alternate weekends at churches? And if I leave, he seems so full of hatred towards me, I could only imagine what my babies would go through in visitation. Since I have a wonderful, active church, would they just get sick of Kingdom Hall in time? I don't want them to be robbed of Jesus and the Bible like my husband has been, not to mention their eternal lives. I can hardly believe anything so evil is growing so much. I have been truly blessed by having a great support group of ex-JWs and others affected by them to fellowship and pray with. Please help if you can!

   In Christian Love,

 - NAME WITHHELD

What causes this kind of anger and sudden personality change in the husband? It generally occurs with a husband who has not been a responsible husband in the first place, though possibly having been married for several years. He is aware of his shortcomings and failures, and so feels a measure of guilt about it. Then along comes the Witnesses, offering him a "quick fix" in terms of a new outlook and the zeal to take control of his life. Yet, in his efforts to improve his family life, he ends up driving his wife and children away. Why?

Generally because the wife and children do not see this new person as their real husband or father. He has become a monster, always being threatened by any challenge to the Watchtower's teachings or any criticism of his new lifestyle and his spending time with the JWs. If the wife accuses him of joining a cult or even just being a fanatic, this is persecution, and is automatically the devil speaking through his wife. (Nothing can divide a family quicker than believing your wife is being used by the devil to destroy your spirituality!) This causes, in turn, a sense of self-righteousness, as the husband seems to feel he is doing everything by the Bible and is totally in God's will, while at the same time he perceives his wife as being closed to spiritual things, and begins to notice her supposed moral shortcomings. He is seeking God, and she is RESISTING God, which inevitably leads to arguments. When the husband attends meetings at the Kingdom Hall, he gets nothing but sympathy for his situation with his "unbelieving" wife, and gets no shortage of unofficial advice from the "brothers."

What kind of advice? Most JW men and especially the elders are hesitant to recommend divorce unless the wife is actually fighting against the "truth," but then that is left open to interpretation. When his wife is emphatic against his taking the kids to the Kingdom Hall, or in going out in service instead of spending time with the family, he may very well see this as her "fighting against the truth" and give her an ultimatum, either join and/or drop your objections, or LEAVE. Often it becomes a good excuse to get out of a marriage that was considered undesirable for some time, but previously the husband had no justifiable reason for divorce. Now he can get a divorce and feel self-righteous about it as well! This opportunity is too much for some men to pass up.

If the husband is appointed as an elder or ministerial servant, this becomes an added pressure to "get his family together." These are coveted positions involving power over others, and the man's desire to obtain this may overpower any other feelings of love or devotion to his household (as in the letter just printed). The wife, in turn, may resent his new position because of the drastic change it has brought about in her husband, and the husband may interpret this as her efforts to impede or destroy his progress, thus resulting in anger and argumentation.

What Can A Woman Do?

For many women whose husbands are zealous Witnesses, whether the wife is one or not, the options seem very narrow: Put up with him or divorce him. However, there are a few other things that can be done to buy out time and hope for change. Prayer and the support of other Christian friends is helpful. Activities within the local church and special classes on marriage may be of help. Professional counseling so as to understand one's options is often very helpful, and I recommend it. These activities can help clear the emotional cobwebs that prevent the wife from making an intelligent decision as to what to ultimately do with regards to her marriage and her children. Note the following suggestions:

* Get the advice of others who are wise and have experience in these matters. They may be in your local church, in ministries to Jehovah's Witnesses near you, or in professional counseling.

* Getting involved in church or other activities (as well as prayer meetings) can help balance out one's life and keep one from getting despondent as often, but should not be used as a way to ignore the situation, either.

* Write or call the women who have submitted their letters in this issue and gain courage and wisdom from them. If their name or address is not listed, send your letter inside another envelope to us, and we will forward your letter to the anonymous person. Many women who have felt like they are going crazy and who feel all alone have been helped dramatically by talking to others who have been through the same thing.

* Divorce is not the end of the world, nor will God despise you for it. If you feel you just cannot take the abuse any longer, don't be afraid to believe that God's understands your situation and loves you!

How the Watchtower Keeps Women in their place

Genesis 3:16

To the woman he said: "I shall greatly increase the pain of your pregnancy, in birth pangs you will bring forth children, and your craving will be for your husband, and he will dominate you." (New World Translation)

1 Timothy 2:11-15

Let a woman learn in silence with full submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach, or to exercise authority over a man, but to be in silence. For Adam was formed first, then Eve. Also, Adam was not deceived, but the woman was thoroughly deceived and came to be in transgression. However, she will be kept safe through childbearing, providing they continue in faith and love and sanctification along with soundness of mind. (NWT)

These two passages are the most commonly used by the Watchtower (more often verbally than in print) to keep women in their place. The Watchtower comments on these passages:

Eve should have carefully consulted with her husband regarding any important decision to be made. And especially should she have been alert to inquire of him when being tempted to eat of the forbidden fruit, since the serpent's enticement was to disobey God's previous command, given through her husband Adam, not to eat of the forbidden fruit. Recognizing her husband's headship in this way would have been a protection and a safeguard for her. Submission to his headship by consulting and cooperating with him would have greatly assisted her in obediently rendering proper worship to God.... [Commenting on Gen. 3:16]: It does not appear that Jehovah God directly brought these conditions into existence as a punishment on Eve and, by inheritance, on all her daughter descendants. Rather, by cutting off the woman as well as the man from divine favor, Jehovah was pointing to the consequences and abuses that would result. Childbearing would be very difficult under imperfect conditions. Jehovah foreknew that within the marriage arrangement now, imperfections would often lead to frustration, anxiety and turmoil. It would be a natural desire for a woman to crave a husband, not just for sexual satisfaction, but because of desiring a home and children, security and companionship. These desires would be very strong in a woman even though the fulfilling of them would mean domination by an imperfect husband. (WT, 3/1/76, pp. 159-160)

First of all, the WT still sees the curse of Gen. 3:16 as applying to woman, in that she would inordinately be craving a husband and be driven to seek family and security. For many years women were considered undesirable at Watchtower headquarters (Bethel) because they would draw away the volunteer workers and marry them. They were also rarely used for any intelligent tasks at Bethel. Though this has changed, the mentality remains among many Witnesses both at Bethel and in the congregations. Secondly, women were encouraged not to have children in the forties and fifties due to the "closeness of the end of the system," and the desires for family life were seen as selfish in view of the greater work of preaching the Watchtower's message. Many Witness women therefore forfeited having children until it was too late, and many are still bitter as a result.

Women are also seen as more easily swayed and deceived, based on Gen 3 as well as 1 Tim. 2:11-15. They are not as readily trusted as men, and in matters of personal conflict among JW couples, the men are almost always favored over the women. Much physical and emotional abuse is excused on the basis of Paul's words.

For the first year of my life, we lived with my parents, but then we found a very small but reasonably comfortable house in the Normanton area of Derby. Life wasn't easy in the 1940s, as food rationing carried on until 1951 in the UK, by which time there were 6 of us in a two-bedroom house, and it was a crowded but happy home. My parents were very zealous for the truth, and only illness would prevent us going to the meetings. My earliest childhood memories are all to do with the JWs, assemblies, which I hated, ministry, which I didn't like much, and meetings. When I started school I was the only JW there, although my sister and another JW girl started the next year, to my relief, and I soon found out how cruel kids can be to those who are considered different. I was a very quiet, shy child, having  no real friends, and I was bullied incessantly that first year. Whenever  I  went home in tears, as I often did, my mum told me that Christians should expect to be persecuted, and Jehovah would be proud of me, but that didn't make the pain and bruises go away. 

We used to meet in this horrible old building near the centre of Derby, with a leaking roof, poor heating and a creaking, partly - rotten floor. The brothers tried to make it comfortable, but it never was. The musical accompaniment to our singing was by an old brother playing a piano which some said was almost permanently out of tune, though I am not certain of this. One thing I do remember was the same brother used to suffer from flatulence during the meetings rather a lot, much to the annoyance of the adults and amusement of us children. One day, a rather heavy brother trod on the wrong part of the floor and went straight through, which gave us a little light relief and caused him some embarrassment. The hall was near several pubs, and our Sunday afternoon meetings used to coincide with closing time. We used to get a few drunks wandering in to see what was happening from time to time, and some fell into a drunken stupor and started snoring loudly, or passed wind, which made us kids laugh, though the adults didn't see the joke. Some of the older kids discovered that if the wind was blowing in the right direction outside, half - blocking the drainpipes with newspaper would make them produce an eerie howling sound, and the first time this happened many kids and some adults sat there terrified, we thought the demons we had heard so much about were coming to get us! 

By the time I was 9 we had moved to a better hall, and as a family to a larger house. My great aunt was living with us by then, and she always seemed to be the one I ended up working with in the ministry, which I had started to like a bit more, though I still wasn't keen on the meetings. She was in her 70's by then, and has a loud booming voice, Every street we went on, however long, must have known we were on our way after the first door, she was so loud. She was a bit aggressive as well, putting her foot in the doors as soon as they opened, and refusing to budge until they had taken the literature. Resistance was futile, they were having the magazines or books whether they wanted them or not. 

I remember the last time I went out with her was Christmas Day 1956, when I was 10. I really didn't want to go out that day, but she boomed "come on girl", which she always called me "we have Jehovah's work to do". Every house we went to had trees and decorations up, kids playing with their presents, mums cooking dinner, and several asked me what I'd had. It was almost embarrassing to hear my great aunt snort with indignation and boom out "we do not celebrate Christmas", without giving the householder a reason they could understand. I was offered gifts at a few doors, and would have taken them, but my aunt kindly refused on my behalf. She caught bronchitis early in the following year, and never really recovered. She moved to live with a cousin in Suffolk, and died the following August. I was sad to hear of her death, but happy I didn't have to go on the service with her again. 

By the time I was 12 and at secondary school, I was beginning to take the truth seriously, and thinking about baptism. I finally took the plunge in May 1961, when I was 14. It was the best day of my life up to then, my parents were so proud of me as I took my stand for Jehovah, my mum was crying tears of joy. The rest of my siblings followed suit in the next 3 years, apart from my youngest sister, who never wanted to be a JW. She rebelled at 15, smoked, drank, used drugs and fell pregnant at 17. She married the father and, 38 years, two more kids and 7 grandchildren later she is still married to him. Apart from family weddings and funerals, she hasn't been to a kingdom hall since 1967, but she still lives locally, and we still get on well with each other. 

Just over a year after my baptism, I left school with no real ideas about a career, but with a burning desire to serve Jehovah as well as I could, and my long - term goal was to be a missionary. My childhood was over now, and I was ready to move on to the next phase of my life, whatever it would bring.

Having left school just over a year after my baptism, I found a job in a local shop owned by a brother from our Hall, and set about earning a living, although my long - term goal was to serve Jehovah full time, hopefully as a missionary. I had no real ambitions for a more lucrative secular career, there seemed no point as Armageddon was so near, as it supposedly still is, of course! I spent as much time as I could in the service, went to all the meetings and had even started to look forward to the assemblies, my pet JW hate as a child. 

In February 1964, when I had just turned 17, a JW family moved into our area from Lincoln, and there were 5 of them, including this really handsome brother called Ron. All the single girls in the congregation had a crush on Ron, including my younger sister, so imagine my delight when, in May 1964, he asked me for a date! My parents approved, as did his, and we started our courtship, with chaperones of course, and within a few months we were in love. We got engaged in December 1964, and married in October 1965, when I was almost 19 and he was 24. We lived with his parents in the beginning, until I became pregnant with my first child, a boy who was born in January 1967. We then managed to get a house with the council, and moved in. I wanted to pioneer for a long time, and despite having a toddler, I signed up in September 1967. It wasn't long before I was pregnant again though, and my second son was born in March 1969, but I carried on pioneering. My mum and mother in law were able to help me with the kids, and I actually stayed on the regular pioneer's list continually until 1995, when my husband became ill. 

It wasn't easy to pioneer with 2 toddlers, even with all the help, but I managed. We moved into a 3-bedroom council house, and got on with the job of bringing our boys up in the truth. My eldest boy, after some early resistance, settled down to learning how to become a JW, and was baptised in 1982 at the age of 15. My youngest, however, never wanted to be a JW. Assemblies were the worst for him, he got so agitated when convention time was approaching. He "developed" just about every illness from a bad cold to a brain tumour to avoid attending, and one year we did let him off, allowing him to stay with his non-JW aunt, who he seemed to take after so much, while the rest of us went to enjoy our spiritual feast. 

He wouldn't behave on the ministry, and eventually we stopped taking him after the day just after his 13th birthday when he asked the young girl who opened the door if she wanted to go to the cinema with him instead of offering her a magazine, which we hoped he would do. He refused to join the Theocratic Ministry School, and stopped attending meetings altogether after his 16th birthday. He is 37 now, married with two daughters and a son, and is a generous,  kind and loving son, but he has not been to a kingdom hall, apart from his brothers wedding and his fathers funeral, since 1985. He broke my heart when he rejected the truth, and for years I prayed he would come back, I was so worried he would die at Armageddon. I am so happy to be free of that worry now. 

My eldest son is still a JW, and still attends the same hall that I used to go to. He married in 1992, and has a daughter age 8  and a son age 5. He married a JW from Burton on Trent who he met at an assembly. Despite always being a Witness, he has never been as loving or generous as his younger brother. He has always been a "plodder" truth - wise, putting in as little service as he can get away with, and has had very little success in the ministry. His wife is ambitious for him to progress, but thus far he has never been appointed in the congregation, though that may change soon. I had hoped he would pioneer, but he never did, despite my many attempts to drum up some interest in him by taking him on the many studies I started as a pioneer, but nothing would move him, though he is a little more ambitious nowadays. 

So there I was in the early 70s, happily pioneering, conducting several studies, and trying to bring my sons up in the truth. My husband was as zealous as I was, and life in JW land couldn't have been better. Unbeknown to us though, there was trouble on the horizon.

Life is never perfect, but at the beginning of the 1970s, mine was as near - perfect as it was possible to be. I had a wonderful, loving husband, two lovely children, and a supportive family. I was a happy pioneer, with several progressive bible studies and, best of all, the new system really was just around the corner. The Watchtower Society had all but said the end of the wicked system we were living in was coming in 1975, and we were all living in a state of great excitement and expectancy. It was a time of growth for the organisation on a scale never seen before, as people were flooding into the truth as 1975 drew ever closer. Just about every active publisher had at least one bible study, meeting attendance was at a high level, and rising even higher with every passing week, it seemed.  But there was a cloud on the horizon, for me at least... 

I have never been a smoker, though I tried it a few times as a teenager, and my husband gave it up just after we were married, but quite a few JWs, including my parents and my JW sister, were smokers. It had been tolerated, but frowned upon, for years by the Society until finally, in 1973, they announced an outright ban on smoking, and gave everyone 6 months to quit, or face disciplinary action. Around 25% of my congregation were smoking when the ban was announced, and the more addicted ones, including my sister, would nip out halfway through the meetings for a quick cigarette. It used to be quite amusing, seeing this posse of people heading for the door before the speaker had even left the platform at the end of his talk, pulling a cigarette out of their pack before they even reached the exit, and some of us were almost sad that that little distraction would soon be drawing to a close. I don't know about elsewhere, but there was more than a little murmuring in our hall when the ban was announced. 

At the end of the 6 months, most people had managed to quit, including my mother and sister, although I suspect she still had the odd one in private, there was a slight smell of tobacco smoke in the air sometimes when I visited her, but my dad just couldn't stop, and he was eventually disfellowshipped in 1974. This, of course, brought great heartache to us all, especially with Armageddon now so close, and dad was more upset than any of us, but he just could not give it up. I suppose if there had been the kind of support available then that there is now, he may have managed, but there wasn't. Even worse though, mum never really got over what had happened to dad, and started to miss meetings herself. Although she kept off the cigarettes, by 1975 she had stopped attending altogether. I was distraught, as were the rest of the family, because I just knew Armageddon was so close, and I was afraid that they would both miss out, despite so many years of faithful service. I did manage to get mum to come to the odd meeting, but dad was still smoking, so there was no way back for him. 

Of course, 1975 came and went, and nothing much happened, apart from the Society tying to cover its back by blaming the brothers for all the expectancy and excitement, and many were disappointed, and left the truth, but I was relieved, mum and dad still had a chance. I never shunned my dad, and tried to visit at least once a week, usually 2 or 3 times. We were still living in a state of expectancy, but without as much urgency as before, and I actually wanted the system to carry on for a few more years in the hope mum, who had completely stopped attending by 1976, and dad, who was still disfellowshipped, could get back in. I did get them to come to the 1977 Memorial, and mum came in 1978, but that was the last time either of my parents ever set foot in a Kingdom Hall. Dad told me he still thought it may be the truth, but there seemed so many unscriptural rules nowadays that he was no longer sure, and mum was coming round to his point of view. I thought at the time that he was just using that as an excuse because he thought he'd been unfairly treated, but I now see how right he was.  

Although I kept trying to get them to "see reason" and come back, they never did, and my dad died in 1986 after a massive heart attack, and mum only survived him by 4 years, losing her battle with leukaemia in 1990. My dad was 65 when he died, and mum was 67.  For long after their deaths, I used to lie awake at nights wondering if I could have done more to get them back into the organisation. They had died knowing the truth, but not in the truth, and although I had done more than anyone else to get them back, I still blamed myself in some ways that they hadn't. I hoped that they would be back in the resurrection, but had my doubts, and wondered if I would answer in some way for them leaving Jehovah and missing out on everlasting life. Those thoughts have haunted me for almost 20 years, since my father's death, and I am so happy that I now know the truth about the Organisation, and I have been able to finally lay my guilt to rest.

By 1992, both our boys had left home, and Ron and I were all alone in our 3-bedroom house, so we decided to apply for something smaller. We had never bought our home, a decision I regret now, but 3 bedroom council houses were, and still are, very much in demand, and within a few months we had been offered and accepted a ground-floor flat quite near our kingdom hall, moving in there in early 1993. I had been pioneering then for almost 26 years, and expected to carry on until the end of the system or my own death. I was busier in the truth than I had ever been, even during the pre-1975 influx of members. There were very few pioneers in our circuit then, and only 3 in our congregation, so we all had plenty to do. By that time I had brought 18 people, excluding family, into the organisation, and apart from one couple who left after the 1975 disappointment, all of them were still in. It was about this time that I conducted my strangest - ever study, with an elderly couple living on the street we had moved on to a few months previously. 

They were a little eccentric, to say the least, even unconventional. They were animal lovers, and in their two bedroom house they kept 4 dogs, 9 cats, numerous mice and rats, which made me shudder, even though they were caged, at least 6 canaries and a goat, which they said was for keeping their lawn short! The goat was mainly outside, but came in the kitchen at night, and whenever I went to study with them, we had to sit in a room with all the animals, apart from maybe a few cats, present, including the goat! It was like a visit to the zoo, and the smell was pretty bad, but they were keen on the study at first, but stopped it abruptly when the sister I took with me told that them animals wouldn't live forever in paradise, only humans. They had assumed that because animals survived the flood, they would survive Armageddon, and dead ones would be resurrected, and wouldn't accept that when their animals died they wouldn't see them again. We tried to show them from the scriptures why this was so, but they wouldn't budge, and our zoo visits were curtailed! Ron commented later that perhaps they brought all their pets in on the study to learn the truth as well, an angle which I hadn't considered, but quite possible nonetheless. They were still friendly towards me after that, but never resumed their study again. 

Despite losing that study, things were still going well for me on the pioneering front until October 1995, when Ron suffered a stroke, and though he made a partial recovery, he lost the use of his left arm and was never able to speak properly afterwards. He was understandable, but his speech was slurred, as though he was drunk all the time, and I had to give up pioneering to look after him. He was unable to work, so I took a part - time job in a shop in Derby City centre to help make ends meet, as we had very little in terms of savings, having always put kingdom interests first. I had plenty of support from friends, Linda in particular, and Trevor was a huge help then, as he was still a JW. He used to drive us to all the meetings, and help me with the shopping almost every week. Ron did recover a bit, and still had a reasonable quality of life, and we all hoped that he would make a complete recovery. I still managed to put in a fair amount of service time, other sisters helped out with my calls, and we were coping fairly well until December 2000, when Ron suffered another stroke, more serious that the last one. He was in the hospital over the Christmas period, but seemed to be getting a little better, and we had hopes of getting him home in a few weeks, but in the early hours of January 1st 2001, he had his third and final stroke, and passed away peacefully a few hours later. He was only 59, and we had been married just over 35 years. 

I was totally devastated by his death at such a relatively young age. All the plans we had made, for me to pioneer for as long as the system lasted, and him to join me when he retired, had been scotched by his first stroke, but we knew the new system was near, when Ron would be restored to perfect health, and that thought had sustained us during the years after his first stroke. Now he was gone, and I knew I wouldn't see him again until the resurrection. I had a great deal of support from my many friends and family in the organisation at the time, and I was rarely alone for more than an hour during the days immediately after his death, but nothing could help with the terrible loneliness I felt at night, when I went to my bed alone, after so long with Ron. The only thing that sustained me during that time was the certain hope that I would see him again in the resurrection once Armageddon was over, and now I know that the Watchtower is a man-made religion founded on a falsehood, I no longer have that hope. I feel cheated by the liars that taught me those false promises, and encouraged me to keep striving for their interests under the guise of serving Jehovah. They have a very great deal to answer for. 

As time went on, all but a few people stopped visiting me, but I expected that, and feel no bitterness because of it. In some ways I welcomed it, as I needed some time to myself, and I started to get out on the service more as the year progressed, while still working to help make ends meet. Just over 2 years after Ron's death, I had a shepherding visit, and the elders suggested that, now I had had time to gather myself, maybe it was time for me to consider rejoining the ranks of regular pioneers. While this was something of a goal for me once I had retired, I didn't feel able to do it while I was still working, and the elders accepted this, but as the months passed started to exert a little pressure on me to try and at least auxiliary before I reached retirement age. 

One elder used the line "Don't you think that this is what Ron would have wanted you to do? He supported your pioneering all those years, don't you owe it to his memory to at least try?" I thought that was an unnecessarily callous remark to make, as I was still missing Ron very badly, and that whole period, with the pressure from the elders and the circuit overseer, who had also suggested a pioneering "comeback" to me, was a difficult and unhappy time. I did not, however, return to pioneering at the time, but promised the elders I would sign up again once I'd retired, so they were satisfied, if not entirely happy with that arrangement, and backed off. 

The pressure they had put me under, distressing as it was, had not shaken my faith. I was still absolutely convinced that I had the truth at this time. I knew people were leaving the truth, Trevor had gone by then, and I could sense that there were some problems within the congregation, and perhaps with the organisation as a whole, but I felt we still had Jehovah's blessing, so on I went. The first real seeds of doubt, and ones I couldn't ignore, as much as I wanted to ignore them, surfaced last year, when the elders dealt very badly with a child abuse scandal within our congregation. I know that this issue was the catalyst for the doubts Linda had been having for some time that got her to examine the JW teachings again, and eventually to leave the truth, but I ignored my feelings, reasoning to myself that the elders are imperfect men, and thus susceptible to errors. 

I was very concerned last summer when Linda started to miss meetings, and really upset by her subsequent disassociation last November. In some ways, I saw it as the second-biggest loss of my life, after my husband, as she had long been one of my dearest and most supportive friends, and now she was gone. She was gracious enough to send me a letter explaining why she had left, which I still have, and I was most distressed when the gossip started about her last year. Many malicious, untrue rumours were circulating the hall, the main one being that she had left so that she could commit fornication with Trevor, which I knew was untrue at the time, though they are together now, and to my great delight, truly happy. I challenged the PO about the rumours, and he was most discourteous in his dismissal of my concerns, saying "Well, what does it matter if they are true or not? She's abandoned Jehovah, so what do you expect us to do, praise her?" I was shocked by his attitude, and looking back, I know it was that conversation, short as it was, that set me on the road out of the organisation. 

In the spring of this year, I decided to defy the elder's rules, and try to contact Linda, so I wrote her a letter and gave it to her mother, a lovely lady who has never been a JW, and thankfully Linda replied, so we started meeting discreetly at her home. I read some of the articles on this board, and watched some of the videos on silentlambs, and was stunned at the extent of the cover - up by the organisation regarding child abuse. Trevor lent me Crisis of Conscience, and I started to miss meetings. Once I'd finished COC, it was obvious that all my years in the JWs had been spent in a man-made religion, and I knew I could no longer be a part of it, whatever the cost. I am not a liar, so how could I knowingly preach lies on the ministry?  I knew my conscience would not allow that. I wanted to fade, but the elders started hounding me, despite my request, in writing, to be allowed some time to myself. I would have thought that was a small thing to ask after a lifetime of faithful service, but I was wrong. 

My JW son visited me, and saw the copy of COC, which I admitted to have read, and a few days later he phoned me, asking me to go to his home on the pretext of a family emergency. I rushed round there as quickly as possible, to find, instead of an emergency, the PO and another elder waiting for me. My own son had set me up! I was furious, but spoke to the elders long enough for them to establish that I was having a crisis of faith, and then left. Later that week, the PO called to invite me to a meeting with 3 elders at the hall the following Friday -a judicial committee! I decided to save them the trouble by writing a letter of disassociation, which they didn't want to accept, but which I informed them would be forwarded to the UK HQ, so they announced me as being no longer one of Jehovah's Witnesses a few days ago. 

So after almost 60 years, 28 of them as a pioneer, during which time I have guided 25 people into the organisation, many of whom are still in, I am no longer a JW. My son rang me the day after the announcement to inform me that he would now be shunning me, and I would no longer be permitted to see my grandchildren, and I am expecting a lot more of the same in the coming weeks and months. It is, of course, heartbreaking to be denied access to my family, and to lose friends, but nonetheless I feel that I have made the right decision in leaving. I don't feel that all my years in the organisation were a waste of time, after all I had a wonderful husband, 2 fine boys and made many, many friends, but I do feel I could have used them better if I'd never been a JW. As for my future, apart from retiring in November, I have made no real plans. I will take each day as it comes, and enjoy it as a free person. I have of course lost most of my friends now, but still have Linda and Trevor, the best two friends I have ever had and will ever have. I owe those two far more than I could ever even start to repay, they have helped set me free after 60 years of slavery, and I can never thank them enough for that. 

A few weeks after leaving the Watchtower, I started to become aware that I still have a spiritual need, and knowing that going back to the org could never satisfy it, I began visiting churches in the area. I went to a Baptist church only a few minutes walk from the Kingdom Hall I used to attend, and the very first time I entered it, I felt at home. The people there, some of whom I have preached to in the past in the field service, were genuinely welcoming to me, nothing like the "love bombing" that first time visitors to a Kingdom Hall are subjected to. There was a definite feeling of joy in that congregation, and I have been going there ever since. On the 21st of January 2007, I was baptised as a Christian in that church. I did this entirely of my own volition, not through "encouragement" from the church elders, as so often happens in the JWs. As I came up out of the water that morning, I had a feeling of peace and joy that I never experienced at any time in my almost 60 years in the Watchtower. I knew that, after all those years of being misled, I had finally found the true path to God. After all those years of thinking I had to earn my salvation, and all the works I did to try and earn it, I had come to realise that we are saved by grace, not works, and it is a free gift to all who will accept it, we don't have to earn it. I am so happy now, and have a deep sense of joy and belonging that I never had before. My friends Linda and Trevor, who rarely visit a church were there that day, and both of them said they have never seen me look happier. It is so wonderful to know that I am finally worshipping God in the way He wants to be worshipped.

Love doesn't make the world go 'round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. --Franklin P. Jones

Changing Old Patterns of Thought and Behavior

The longer the amount of time you spend in a group like the Watchtower, the more likely it is you will have certain cultic traits ingrained in your personality. The most common of these is the black-and-white mentality that oversimplifies the moral issues of everyday life. Additionally, a siege mentality is created by stressing the battle of light over darkness, of God over the devil, and truth versus error. Since the whole universe is watching to see what choices one makes each day, a great deal of pressure and guilt is put upon the cultist to make sure he/she doesn't disappoint God and his angels. They are watching to see what movies you go to, what clothes you will wear, and with whom you fellowship. The Watchtower occasionally prints guidelines for making right decisions in these areas. These guidelines are never phrased in terms of rules, but rather in terminology such as would it be wise to wear a beard... or some other phrase that pretends to show the choice one has in a moral matter, whereas in reality the phrase indicates a new unspoken rule for Witnesses to follow. Fear of punishment by God and/or the organization is used to enforce these unspoken rules.

Overcoming Mistrust and Suspicion

Cults will tolerate only so much loyalty within a family circle before they will attempt to divide the family. They do this by stressing loyalty to the organization at all costs. A family member who is caught smoking or reading pornography is to be reported to the elders if he does not come forward and admit his sins first. A JW woman who has a secret abortion is to be reported, even if the laws of the land are broken in order to make such information known. Since members of the local congregation can earn brownie points by reporting their straying brethren (i.e., they will get on the good side of the elders), the temptation is strong for weaker ones in the congregation to bolster their standing by turning others in. One might call it a cheap shot to the top!

It is precisely this attitude of mistrust and suspicion, as well as self-righteousness, that must be recognized in the old cult personality and overcome before you can move on. One must learn to trust others and to show grace to others who are as immature as you once were.

Making New Friends

It can be said that in a cult you have few peers. You are either a teacher or a student. Often you are both, always having someone more powerful than you to look up to, and someone lesser than you to train or correct. Equals among peers is rare, precisely because of this mistrust and suspicion. You dare not get too personal or reveal too much to another, for they are apt to use the information against you later. In a cult, relationships are best kept on a teacher/student level or on a superficial level as peers. For those leaving a cult, however, gaining new friends you can trust may be the most wonderful experience you can have in life. It can be quite difficult at first to learn to trust a new friend. You are gambling that they will not betray you or be insensitive to what you feel. You may find it easier to meet the friends of those already your friends, widening out the circle of friendships around you, while having the advantage of meeting others on the recommendation of those you already know (sort of like a trustworthy referral service).

Coping with Your Family

Leaving the Watchtower affects a woman's family in a wide variety of ways, depending on circumstances. One divorced woman who had been in the organization for two years and who was trying to raise her eight-year-old son in it confided in me one day that she was disassociating herself. Her eight-year-old son was in the car at the time she said this, and his eyes lit up. He started counting the reasons OUT LOUD as to why he was glad she was leaving! For her family, at least, it was good news. For some, leaving is a happy, positive event in their lives.

husband in agreement

If your husband/partner shares good communication with you in matters of religion and faith, chances are that you will discover foul play in the Watchtower simultaneously. Cults are perpetuated through ignorance and fear, and their methods are exposed through dialogue and documentation. If your mate will listen and weigh the evidence, the odds are overwhelming that he will see that the organization is not of God. That does not necessarily mean he will choose to leave the Watchtower, especially if he knows his Witness family will shun him. If this is the case that he chooses to remain in simply for family reasons, while you choose to disassociate, the marriage may not suffer much at all. In some cases, both husband and wife may decide to remain in the organization, in order to try and reach others and rescue them as well.

husband opposed

Other women are not so fortunate who decide to leave. If their husbands are JWs and refuse to look at any documentation that discredits the Watchtower, or they refuse to discuss issues that bring up doubts in their minds, their wives are in for much frustration and disappointment. If this is your situation, make sure you have non-JW friends to lean on, and start developing a new social life of your own. If you feel comfortable in going to a church, have others pray with you for the strength to start a new life, regardless of whether your husband remains by your side or not. If he does love you enough to remain by your side and treat you with dignity and respect, you will at least be strong enough to ride through the storm. If he chooses to treat you with the customary condescension that Witness men often have towards their wives, or turns emotionally cold on you, then you can at least escape with your own sense of individuality and self-respect in spite of the inevitable pain and separation that will ensue. If, on the other hand, you have no real individuality in your life, and your identity is entirely wrapped up in your husband, you will suffer devastating pain and much anger towards your mate. Try to prepare for this situation as early as possible if you are able to do so.

children receptive/ anger issues

Younger children (pre-teens) may not find it difficult to stop going to meetings if you explain what human organizations are all about, and how dishonesty and deception can creep in over time. See the article on the back cover to help you discuss the matter with your children.

For older children who have entered their teens, the Witness life is unusually harsh and makes them feel antisocial among their peers. This causes them to develop self-defense mechanisms such as attitudes of pride and elitism in order to survive these tender years. When you begin to communicate to them that mommy has made a mistake and that the Watchtower is really not of God at all, anger will usually surface sooner or later in your child. Why? The anger surfaces once the child realizes that all the rejection, mocking and pain he/she has suffered for this religion was all for nothing. All the things that he/she dreamed of doing but was not allowed to do now come to mind. Competition skills such as sports, scholastic contests, dancing/ beauty/cheerleader projects that one was only allowed to dream about (don't kid yourself, they DID dream about them!) now come back to their memory and haunt them. Anger towards you, the one who kept them from these things, may surface in the form of rebellion against you or against all forms of religion, especially Christianity.

How can you cope with this anger now directed against you? Above all, don't lose your own temper. Be vulnerable and sit down and share your own frustrations regarding the years you have lost with your child. Go over a list of the things you had to sacrifice over the years, and encourage them to do the same. Be attentive to what they have to say in this session, and ask them for your forgiveness in this matter. If you have never before had this kind of vulnerability in your communication with your child, now is the time to start. It may feel awkward and embarrassing at first, but it will go a long way towards relieving their anger, and you will likely end up with a much closer relationship with your child. Show your support in helping them start over as well, and arrange projects for both of you to do in order to accomplish this. Set a date and time to start working on it, don't leave it to be determined later.

They need to see your sincerity and that you really love them and are seeking their best interests.

children opposed/anger issues

In some cases the child will express anger and will rebel against you. Suddenly they will appear to side with the Watchtower and oppose your decision to leave. Anger towards you regarding the sacrifices they had to make over the years because of having to be a part of your religion can surface in the form of selfrighteousness and the desire to punish you for leaving the truth. For the first time in their life, the tables may be turned, and you are now seen as the weak Witness, and they suddenly see themselves as being spiritually strong. This is a kind of unexpected euphoria for them, and they will often play it out for all they can get out of it, which includes the satisfaction of punishing you and of feeling like they have a clean conscience before Jehovah for the first time in their lives. In reality, it is simply a form of manipulation that they find quite to their liking. Don't play along with the game! This is a test of your maturity, i.e., your ability to be vulnerable and sensitive while at the same time not allowing your child to manipulate that vulnerability. Discussing the subject of manipulation is often enough to disarm its use, as no one, not even children, like to see themselves as manipulators.

in-laws

Whether your husband chooses to remain a Witness or not, inlaws who are also JWs will be a problem (unless you have had exceptional communication with them!). Inlaws are often quick to punish you for being weak in the faith and causing their dear Witness son so much grief and embarrassment. They may very well call you an apostate and shun you for your decision. Again, this is a form of manipulation; do not play their game. Explain to them that you have made an intelligent decision to leave the Watchtower BASED ON YOUR OWN INVESTIGATION, and mention that you have full documentation if they are interested in seeing it (NOT!). Mention that any attempts to punish you for leaving this religion will not be effective, as you have a clean conscience before God and man, and that it does not change your love for your husband (their son). They need to know that you are not weak in your constitution, and that you have spent much time thinking about these matters. If they sense hesitation or spiritual weakness on your part, they will lose any respect they have had for you.

As was highlighted in the Sep/Oct 1993 issue of the Free Minds Journal, cults often function like a drug in a person's life, helping them to escape from something undesirable in their life and to create a counterfeit form of self-esteem. However, this happens at the cost of their own natural personality, which becomes buried under the cult personality as if it was something to be ashamed of and kept hidden away. Along with the loss of the natural personality, one may experience the loss of one's natural chemistry of romance and sexuality. Though in most cults sexuality is permitted among married couples, there are often certain prohibitions in the bedroom. Not a few Jehovah's Witness' wives divorced their husbands because they refused to engage in oral sex during the seventies. Witness teenagers were not generally allowed to date non-Witnesses, and often married another Witness without ever really falling in love with them, just so they could have sex and move out of the house. I get many, many calls from former JW women who married the worst example of a man I ever met. Physical affection is often lacking among Jehovah's Witnesses in particular, since they stress the dangers of touching their brothers and sisters, and how it can lead to fornication.

Some wives did find a loving husband, only to watch them become an elder in the congregation and lose their natural kindness and taste for romance. They found out the hard way that an organization man is rather sterile emotionally.

Thinking of Dating?

As was mentioned earlier, Witnesses were told not to date non-Witnesses, and dates with other Witnesses were to be chaperoned so that the two were not left alone. After considering the selection of men available in the local Kingdom Halls, many JW women looked outside of the religion for emotional and sexual fulfillment, which brought a great deal of guilt upon them. Thus began a cycle in the lives of some JW women of getting involved with non-Witness men, feeling guilty, being manipulated and later abandoned by these men or abandoning them, only to fall into the same pit again. Sadly, they never experienced the JOYS of romance, due to the guilt and ostracism by their fellow Witnesses.

Are you too afraid to start over, now that years have gone by? Do you feel you are no longer in your prime, or that you are no longer desirable to most men?

My own observations tell me that a woman has to be downright UGLY not to be able to attract a good man that she could fall in love with. Now if she is ugly, there is plastic surgery that will cure facial abnormalities, large noses, wrinkles and warts. If you feel too fat, realize that a lot of men like robust wives (big, beautiful women), and such men are often quite attractive. Or, you can find a good weight loss program. Whatever it takes to make you feel good about yourself should be considered, as long as it is safe and worth the cost to you. Why let the Watchtower ruin the REST of your life??? (As if several years weren't enough?) Men often fall in love with a woman due to her character, i.e., her outgoing personality, her sense of humor, etc. more so than her youthfulness or numerical rating (a "10" is in the eyes of the beholder). If you look at yourself in a negative light, others will perceive that and see you the same way. If you begin to see yourself in a more positive light, you will shine and attract others to you. Women who have a good sense of spirituality and depth in their lives are all the more attractive, by the way!

Have You Remarried?

Many women who have left the Watchtower are now remarried to non-JW men. In most cases, they seem to be happy with their mates, but often find their mates cannot relate to their past experiences in the Watchtower, it seems so unreal to their husbands that anyone could get involved in such a strange cult. If you find yourself in this situation, it would be helpful for your husband to read Steve Hassan's Combatting Cult Mind Control or my own book, Understanding Mind Control Among Jehovah's Witnesses. The slow and deliberate process of cult indoctrination is very clever, and can overcome the most intelligent of persons under the right circumstances. Your husband will respect you much more if he understands the indoctrination process. Few things in life are more rewarding than your mate's respect for you and your intelligence. Get them to commit to reading these books!

Another good reason for your husband to read these books is if they will not tolerate your getting involved in another church, for fear of your getting sucked into another cult. What they don't realize is that if an ex-member of a cult is EDUCATED as to the cult dynamic and how it works, they are the LEAST LIKELY of anyone to get involved in a cult again. Such husbands need to appreciate that their wives may still have a heart for spiritual things, and that there are many good Christian churches out there that are not cultic or legalistic. You should not suffer being starved spiritually just because your husband does not trust you--the trust will come by mutual education regarding the cult phenomena. Fellowship with other ex-members is very helpful in overcoming lingering fears and any shyness at meeting new friends!

Rediscovering Spirituality

There are certain growth stages that I believe an ex-Witness must pass through in order to recover from the cult experience and enjoy their new life. The first is:

Stage 1: Discovery

By this I mean taking the time to examine the Watchtower from an outsider's point of view. Apply to it the same tests you would to any other religion that claims to be the only truth. Have they been honest with their followers? Do they claim to be the only channel God is using on earth? What makes them so special? Have they covered up or sugarcoated their past? Do they insist you must believe whatever they say, claiming authority over you without taking responsibility for being false prophets if they later change their teachings? Humility is a mark of God's servants, but arrogance is the mark of a false prophet. How do they gauge their own importance in the scheme of things? Do they keep their people uninformed out of fear of excommunicating or make them feel guilty for questioning the organization? Such are truly wolves in sheep's clothing.

There are a number of books and tapes available on our order form that come from a wide variety of sources, yet consistently expose the deceptive methods of the Watchtower. Take the time and do your research!

Stage 2: Decision

What will I do with this knowledge? How do I handle the anger I feel over being deceived all these years? What about my family, who still believes this nonsense? Can I ever set foot in a Kingdom Hall again, knowing what I know? What will I do with the REST of my life? Should I go to a church? These are hard decisions. It is helpful to talk to others who have been down the same road. Find some other ex-Witnesses to talk to regarding these matters. Locating a support group is even better.

Stage 3: Practical Planning

Since cults like the Watchtower act as drugs that help one escape from one's own inadequacies, it's high time to deal with those issues NOW. Starting a new career, pursuing a romantic relationship, becoming wellread, getting involved in sports or social events, or even getting involved in community or national affairs are some of the many possibilities that you should have considered years ago, were it not for your cult involvement. DO IT BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE! Don't be a bitter girl the rest of your life. You will be amazed when you look back after a couple of years and see the growth you have made, and the joy it brings you!

Some choose to get involved in helping others out of cults. While this is enjoyable and helps many, just make sure that you yourself are OVER the healing process, or at least most of it. If not, you will do better to stay away from the cult/religion scene for awhile. Get a life! Don't be known as an ex-JW to EVERYONE you know.

Stage 4: Matters of Faith

It should be appreciated that the Watchtower is a counterfeit of Christianity. Don't equate one with the other. Many ex-Witnesses find a church to fellowship with right away, and live happy lives knowing the Lord. But there are many others who are not ready for formal religion again, as there are too many triggers in the Bible that bring them back into the Witness mindset. If this fits you, perhaps you need time alone to pray and/or meditate, and take things at your own pace. Don't feel compelled to read the Bible. If you have a love for God, you will come around in time. If not, you can't force it, so why try? Experience life a little, and you will desire something deeper in time. Then you can pick up the Bible again some day and come to terms with Jesus on your own. If you believe that if there is a God, He will watch over me, that gives Him enough of an invitation to do His own hidden works in your life, without your being motivated to serve Him out of fear.Before you start attending any local churches, you should be educated as to what to watch out for that is harmful. I recommend reading Churches That Abuse by Ron Enroth for a start. Don't make the same mistake I did of getting involved in every eclectic movement that Christendom offers. You may get burned! Be conservative. Don't expect to find the same degree of comradery in the churches as you had in the Witnesses. Such a close degree of comradery is ONLY obtained by forced acceptance of certain beliefs and mass indoctrination (mind control). Instead, look for the love of others who are different than yourself, who do not insist you be just like them, but accept you as a sister anyway. Learn the meaning of grace, that God loved you and therefor you are now able to love others freely (John 1:16,17).

Especially if they were a Witness in your congregation and are now out! I will call her "Joy" as she wishes to remain anonymous for now, but this is the dialogue I've had with her over the last week. Notice the typical aspects that often accompany those that leave the organization, such as elders covering things up, stalking issues, shunning, little income due to pioneering or Bethel life, finding better friends and moving on with your life, but not wanting to remember a lot of it.

]]> randy@freeminds.org (Randy & Joy) Women Fri, 02 May 1997 00:49:16 +0000 http://freeminds.org/sociology/women/barbara-anderson-s-resume-from-bethel.html http://freeminds.org/sociology/women/barbara-anderson-s-resume-from-bethel.html Over the last couple of years, many people have asked me to share my Writing Department resume' and basically that's why I'm doing this. I hope that the knowledge of what I did at Bethel helps Jehovah's Witnesses to understand that the Watchtower organization misleads the flock by inferring that all "spiritual food" somehow emanates only from men and particularly from the Governing Body.

I was the one at first searching for truth from the bible. Therefore I felt and still feel responsible today for some of the things that happened to my family and me. I wont go into all the details of how we met the Witnesses except to say I called them. Over a period of 25 years, I bounced from Church to Church looking for somewhere to belong. Looking for the "true" religion. I realized that I had spoken to representatives of almost every Christian religion except the Jehovah's Witnesses. Therefore in the winter of 1993, I decided to call the local kingdom hall and have someone come to my home. Immediately they offered a bible study for me and my husband expressed interest also so we agreed. We started the next week. Now we did not realize at the time what we were getting into as no one really does. The indoctrination into their interpretation of the bible began early on. We studied the book "You can live in Paradise on Earth" for about a year. During this time, there were subtle things I noticed that bothered me. For instance, there seemed to be teachings not specifically mentioned in the bible. (A governing body over the congregation, reporting time spent in service to elders, and other things) Also, they made a big deal out of not celebrating holidays, and no blood transfusions -this was based on only one scripture. For some reason I am still not sure why, I would suppress my feelings. My family tried to warn me to stop my study, but of course they tell you Satan will try and stop you from serving the true God. This is a self-fulfilled prophecy I found out after leaving the organization. And this is what keeps many people in early on. The belief that they will be persecuted for following Christ and thus any time someone says something against their study, they feel this is coming true and it 'proves" to them that this is the true religion. Before we knew it we jumped in with both feet and did not turn back.

The first 5 or 6 years everything was going good. I pioneered a lot. Studied for the book study and taught my children about Jehovah. I never really studied the Watchtower though and since I had very young children, I never really heard much of the Sunday meetings either. Because I was always taking the children out of the kingdom hall when they fidgeted or cried. But I did begin to notice some things that did not sit right with me. For instance, everyone was required to study the same material and go out in service, although people are very different. They have different circumstance and abilities. But the very young and old were held to the same requirements. Also it did not matter if you were sick or elderly. You still had to comply with the basics of your duties or you would be labeled as 'spiritually weak". Another thing I noticed is the elders did not take an interest in anyone. They seemed out of touch with the problems the congregation was having and their talks seemed to always focus upon works. Another thing was that Jesus was hardly mentioned in the kingdom hall and the 'faithful discreet slave" was often thanked for spiritual food above Jesus the head of the congregation. Then after the first few years when my children got older, I did read the Watchtowers. But this made things even worse. I noticed that they were twisting scripture out of context to prove their views. Since the organization gives you the WT questions and puts bible texts in the paragraph to back up the view they want you to have, you cannot get a different answer. Unless you look up the bible text in its context. Which is what I did.

After a while, I was getting really upset by how they were changing Gods word. And after a few years, I finally could not suppress the feelings I was having any longer. In addition to this there were all the other problems I was noticing. The last straw in one congregation we were in located in Hingham MA, I found out there was a known child molester in the congregation for well over a year. And the elders did nothing to warn anyone. One family even had this man stay over their house for the night with their young daughter present! Also my son who was 7 at the time was going to the bathroom unsupervised with this man in there. I only found out because a sister warned me about him but said not to tell anyone she told me. She had gone to the elders and they told her if she spread this around, she could be brought before a judicial committee for slander! Why? Because as far as the elders could tell, this man had not been accused LATELY of molesting any children. They just took a lets wait and see attitude. By the way, the Police department in our town makes child molesters register so that the unsuspecting public is warned. But Jehovah's Witnesses in Hingham MA don't do anything at all.

How can people who are considered worldly, and thus ungodly by the organization have a better sense of justice than God's only True Religion? I told my husband I did not feel safe there with the children and at first he would not leave. That's because he was a Ministerial Servant (like a church deacon) and had responsibilities in the hall. But soon the children and I stopped attending altogether so he finally agreed that we should go somewhere else. So we started attending a new congregation in Holbrook MA. In this one the elders were nicer but still the emphasis was always on works, works, works. They also were out of touch with the congregations needs. Many families were stressed to the maximum trying to keep up with all the works they were commanded to do. After a short time, the routine became very tedious and I slowed down in going. I told the elders I had personal problems and depression due to past sexual - abuse which was partly true. But the main reason why is I had no desire to attend any longer. You see while we were the Holbrook congregation, we discovered that a dear elderly sister in the Hingham congregation had been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer. I went to see her several times over the last few weeks of her life (almost none of the elders in her congregation went to visit her). Well this women had been serving the organization for well over 30 years and raised 5 children in it. She was a widow and had a mentally challenged son. Did she not receive support from the congregation (except from a few sisters like myself and two others), but her last words to me a few days before she did were, "I hope I did enough for Jehovah to remember me in the resurrection". After thousands of hours of works, she still was not sure she would be saved! Because the Watchtower Organization teaches that you never really know if will be or if you have done enough. This is so they can scare you into doing more and more works. I knew right then and there, I could no longer serve the God of the Watchtower organization. But I still did not know where to go or what to do.

I started to research the organizations history. Something I should have done in the beginning. It took me over a year to do and I went all the way back 100 years to the first President Charles T. Russell. Also I began reading the bible every day and praying to our heavenly father for insight into his word. This opened my eyes even more to all the false teachings and prophecies of the Watchtower. I even read hundreds of old Watchtowers from the CD ROM and found that they reversed so many teachings. And they did say the world would end in 1975! And 1874 and 1914. Now they teach 1914 only marked the beginning of the time of the end. They teach even today that Jesus appointed them as the only true religion in 1914 and based that fact on the teachings of their then President Charles T. Russell who they felt was "anointed" to teach the truth. But, what many Witnesses today do not know if this: They have over the years completely discarded ALL of Russell's teachings. And if anyone holds to his teachings, they would be considered an apostate! I even read Russell's "Studies in the Scriptures" which were the original books starting their own organization and which they currently do not even print. At this time of my deep research, my eyes were opened wide!

When I started even hinting to my husband that I wanted to leave and that I disagreed with the WT, the arguments followed. We fought about it day and night for weeks at a time. He was sticking to all the WT interpretations. We really thought at one time our marriage would dissolve. We were all in such an emotional state. I started to consider Suicide at this point. One day in particular, I had been fighting with my husband over the phone (he was at work) when I hung up I thought about taking an overdose of pills. Why? Because I knew if I left the Witnesses, I would loose my husband and kids to the organization and my husband would not want to be married to an "apostate". Which is what they call anyone who disagrees with them. I had no one to lean on because if I told anyone how I felt, even my close friends of 12 years, they would turn me in to the elders. Then I would be disfellowshipped and shunned. At that point I felt death would be better as I would not have to suffer anymore-emotional turmoil. Interestingly, a sister (an elders wife in fact) from my old congregation (Hingham) called me. I forgot what for but she obviously did not realize I was not attending any meetings in my new congregation. Anyway, she commented on the fact that I did not sound well and in a last ditch effort for help, I told her I was thinking about harming myself that day. In fact I was going to take an overdose of pills. She did not even respond to what I said when she suddenly received a beep and said "I got to go take this call". I don't even know if she heard what I said! This was one other thing I noticed about a lot of Jehovah's Witnesses, they are totally self-absorbed. By the way, she never called me back.

When we hung up I began to pray even harder. Tears where coming down my face, I was shaking, I told God I wanted to kill myself. I not only prayed to Jehovah but also to Jesus (something taboo for the witnesses) but I felt I needed help from both. This is what happened: Immediately upon completing my prayer, I felt a calmness come over me I had not felt in weeks. I actually "felt" something touch my head and go all the way to the bottom of my toes. It was a very peaceful feeling sort of like God hugged me. I never experienced anything like that before. I knew at that moment that I was going to be o.k. And that I could leave the Witnesses and God and Jesus would take me in. (No I do not believe I was actually touched by God, I am using this illustration to describe how it felt to me) But I do believe God gave me the calm spirit so that I did not harm myself. Once I thought about it later, I realized how crazy it would have been and how I would have hurt my husband and children. But had God not intervened, it would have been too late. I officially wrote my letter of disassociation in 2004 and my husband wrote his a few months after. Of course, we lost all our friends and children's friends we made over 12 years. We have had to rebuild ourselves and our family from scratch. But it has been well worth it. We are continuing to heal each day.

Before ending I want to say my husbands eyes did open to the false teachings of the WT. The only regret I have at this point is since leaving (OCT 2004) I have never felt closer to God and his son Jesus. I finally understand Jesus when he said, " I am the way, the life and the truth". I have a personal relationship with him and his father and finally am free from all false religion. I also now understand that Jesus did not teach a religion but a faith. The Christian faith. But my husband is still learning where his place is. For that I feel bad. Because I wish he had the same assurance and peace I have. But in time, I know he will. Finally, the reason I am writing this now is to tell people to please do research before joining this organization. I wish I did. I can see why the Watchtower wants to close down certain websites about them. Knowledge is power and if I had the correct knowledge in the beginning, it would have saved me a lot of heartache and pain. But I am glad to be free! Lord bless every one of you!

Lilly Cruz

A month later we completed a new hall, and my last act as a witness was to vacuum the new building. I never went back. I wrote a letter to the Society and DA’d the next week.

Dear Brothers,

Thirty-one years ago on March 14, 1970, I was baptized as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses. Along with 55 others at a circuit assembly in Lafayette, Indiana, I answered yes to the following questions:

Have you recognized yourself before Jehovah God as a sinner who needs salvation, and have you acknowledged to him that this salvation proceeds from him, the Father, through his Son Jesus Christ?

On the basis of this faith in God and in his provision for salvation, have you dedicated yourself unreservedly to God to do his will henceforth as he reveals it to you through Jesus Christ and through the Bible under the enlightening power of the holy spirit?

I ceased from serving men or any manmade organization. It was a happy time in my life. I was baptized in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, a scriptural course. I had separated myself from the blood-guilty churches of Christendom. Or so I thought.

What follows is a self- examination on whether aspects of my life course over the past 30 years have been in harmony with my vows. Can I say “I am clean from the blood of all men”?

Shortly after I was baptized, the brothers in Malawi started having trouble because they would not purchase a political party card. The Watchtower Bible & Tract Society had admonished them not to as it would break their Christian neutrality. The results were horrific; thousands died at the hands of maniacs, sisters were raped, young and old, and others were severely beaten. Almost all of our brothers lost their property and jobs.

I admired their Christian stand and was honored when the brothers asked me, a young pioneer, to help in contacting local officials to request that they write to the Malawian government to put an end to the persecution of my dear brothers. I carried out that assignment at the side of the pioneer sister who had studied the Bible with me.

I specifically bring up the matter of the brothers in Malawi because of the vacillating view of the WTB&TS regarding neutrality, the superior authorities, and civil service. Sufficient to say is that at the time our brothers were dying in Malawi, Mexican brothers were bribing officials at the sanction of the WTB&TS to obtain an ‘Identity Cartilla for Military Service’. This put them in the first reserves of the Mexican army.                                       

Four years after I was baptized, I met a brother and married. Although he did not share my “zeal” for the ministry, he was a good, kind person. Five years after we were married, we moved to the Bloomington, Indiana congregation. Jim knew the brothers there, having lived there for many years, and it was my hope that they would encourage him spiritually.

Although elders were counseled to make regular visits on the sheep, we lived in Bloomington for three years before such a visit took place. Two elders made arrangements to call, but they only wanted to talk to Jim. I took this as a good thing; they were going to help him as an individual.

When they left, he seemed rather upset. It seems that someone had seen him smoking and reported it to the elders. I was shocked that he would do such a thing, but he assured me he would try to quit. Two weeks later, he was disfellowshipped. I can’t remember if I was pregnant at the time, or had just given birth, but needless to say, it was a hard time for our family.

My view at the time was fashioned after comments from the WTB&TS such as the one that follows from the April 15, 1988 Watchtower: “Cutting off from the Christian congregation does not involve immediate death. Thus, a man who is disfellowshipped or who disassociates himself may still live at home with his Christian wife and faithful children. Respect for God’s judgments and the congregation’s action will move the wife and children to recognize that by his course, he altered the spiritual bond that existed between them.” (Bolding mine). Such comments would gradually destroy our family life.

Taking the WTB&TS view on disfellowshipping quite seriously, I took a hard line against my husband, as did others in the congregation. Our marriage over the next five years deteriorated. I was angry at him for his weakness. We separated and divorced after another year and a half. By then, I had “scriptural” evidence of unfaithfulness. Approximately two years later, Jim committed suicide. The despair wrought by not being able to overcome his addictions, and the lack of compassion exhibited by those who would no longer speak to him, persons who had known him for years, took their toll. I’m examining myself in this matter, remember, and I am one of those who lacked compassion. Jim is dead. His two children miss him. His family and friends miss him. I miss him. It feels good to admit that I miss him. But it’s too late…

Regarding the so-called blood issue: I have a terminal cancer. My illness (ovarian cancer) was diagnosed approximately the same time last year as the information the WTB&TS published on accepting a variety of blood fractions. I did not examine the article at the time due to my being ill and refused a blood transfusion for my hysterectomy. My surgery was cut short because of my low blood count; a complete “debulking” could not be done in which more small cancer clusters are removed from tissue surrounding larger more obvious cancer masses, thus affecting my prognosis (I am a single parent with two young children). At the time, I was glad to take a “stand on the blood issue”. Now I have concluded that there is no such Biblical issue. Blood parts are blood. The command not to eat blood is just that, not an injunction against blood transfusions.

How many of our dear brothers and sisters (including children) have died because of a policy concerning blood transfusions which apparently is going the way of the dinosaur? Does this make the WTB&TS blood-guilty? What about those, such as myself, who sincerely taught that transfusions were against the law of God? Blood-guilty?

I remember the 1975 debacle. Yet references are few in the WTB&TS’s new indexes to articles that were preparing Jehovah’s Witnesses to view the end as coming in 1975. Why is that brothers? Could it be because Acts 1:7 plainly states that it “doesn’t belong to you to know the times and the seasons that the Father has placed in his own jurisdiction.”?

How are we to view predictions of such a nature?  Deuteronomy 18: 20-22 states,” ‘However, the prophet who presumes to speak in my name a word that I have not commanded him to speak or who speaks in the name of other gods, that prophet must die. And in case you should say in your heart: “How shall we know the word that Jehovah has not spoken?” when the prophet speaks in the name of Jehovah and the word does not occur or come true, that is the word that Jehovah did not speak. With presumptuousness the prophet spoke it. You must not get frightened at him.’  I am no longer frightened.

I have asked my Heavenly Father to forgive me on many counts including: (1) My part in contributing to the despair that led to the death of my first husband. We would have been married 28 years as of July 14 ; (2) I am the one who introduced my sister to the teachings of the WTB&TS. When she decided to leave because of false accusations from a sister, she experienced great fear and anxiety because she thought she had damned her four children to eternal destruction. I am sorry for this. (Incidentally, I no longer believe that our Creator is going to slaughter billions of human beings. The horror this scenario presents, which I have suppressed for three decades now, transcends the tortures of hell-fire that some churches present. I will love my neighbor as myself, not picture him or her as the victim of such cruelty); (3) My part in teaching now changed views of the WTB&TS regarding blood and neutrality that resulted in decisions that caused mental and emotional anxiety to those who believed me. Am I blood-guilty? If so, may the ransom of Jesus cover my sins.

I am thankful for having known the few associated with the WTB&TS who have developed true Christian qualities and continue to manifest the fruit of God’s spirit, especially kindness. I have a special place in my heart for many of Jehovah’s Witnesses and always will. I think that they know who they are.

I have not forsaken the vow I made on March 14, 1970. Those becoming Jehovah’s Witnesses now take this vow which I cannot agree with: On the basis of the sacrifice of Jesus Christ, have you repented of your sins and dedicated yourself to Jehovah to do his will?

Do you understand that your dedication and baptism identify you as one of Jehovah’s Witnesses in association with God’s spirit-directed organization?

What happened to baptism in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit? My loyalty is to God, not a manmade organization.

Who will I go away to? I don’t need to go away to anyone. My previous vow is valid. Regarding Jesus–there is not another name under heaven which we might get saved. And his yoke is kindly, the load light. If men make it unbearable, are they following him?

I hereby disassociate myself from any connection with the WTB&TS. May our Father, with his Spirit, direct and protect those of honest hearts within the congregation of Jehovah’s Witnesses. For those who have carefully considered this letter, I thank you.

Sincerely,

CJ Maurer

When I was 14 years old I was pursued by a 21 year old man who eventually 'got' me, he was older/had money and I wanted to have some fun with him. I only wanted to date, but as you know, this is not allowed in the JW religion, only with the intent to marry. I sure did not want to marry him, but eventually one thing led to another and we had premarital sex...the BIGGEST taboo and guilt trip laid on JW teenagers! He told me that the only way to get rid of this sin was to get married and that would nullify our sin by making it 'pure'. I was sick with guilt and agreed.

We got married (when I was 17) in a Kingdom Hall with everyone oblivious to the fact that we were already having sex. (Over the years I have talked many of my JW friends-MOST had premarital sex) Anyways, I should not have married him based on that kind of a foundation, but I did. The other foundation was that he was an abuser from day one. He punched me when we were dating and I was only 16, he punched me and slammed my head into the wall repeatedly before our 1st year anniversary, he beat me up in the bathroom because he thought I liked another man (NOT TRUE) by spitting on me in the shower then when I was drying myself off sitting on the toilet, he punched my head with both fists over and over again alternating sides. I was only 18 years old.

This kind of abuse continued throughout the early years of our marriage. One time at his sister-in-laws house, he beat me in the bedroom beside them where we were sleeping, I sat on the apt window and almost threw myself down. He did not try to stop me. When I was pregnant with our first, he shoved me backwards, I fell on a chair and it broke due to his force. When that child was 2 (I was 23 now) he punched me in the mouth WHILE I was holding her!! That did it, I phoned the police. They came and basically did nothing, told him that he can't treat his wife like this anymore in our society. BUT from then on, he knew I had had enough and did not touch me.

He was abusive mentally by telling me things like I must be a lesbian or something was wrong with me physically because I did not want to have sex with him. DUH...wonder why???? He would order sex videos from TV and play them for me. I was horrified that he would simplify my emotions like that and NEVER EVER recognize the hurt that I was in because of the abuse. BLAME blame blame me always for everything is what I lived with for years. I knew that people would never believe he was like this. I was part of the problem because it was me that felt I had to sacrifice myself for God-the congregation-the organization's reputation and remain silent. Pretend.

When I was 31 years old, I was tired, alone, introspective entirely and quiet towards him because for years I had tried to right my marriage and do the Christian thing by trying but there was nothing from him. I had given up long before he was aware of it. I had met someone else, but was not having a sexual relationship with that person. I was forthright with my husband and told him everything, that I wanted OUT. I wanted a divorce, a separation, anything. Well, he went totally off the deep end. Threatening suicide, telling me that the devil and him wanted me dead, telling me that I asked for the abuse, threatening to burn down the house with me and the kids in it, forcing me to stand before him naked so he could see if I had shaved my pubic area, stealing my credit cards, cutting off long distance on the phone so I could not call my family and friends, going through all my personal effects on my person and elsewhere, stalking me, on and on the story goes.

He begged me to meet with the elders, I did because he was so sick in every way, I felt sooo sorry for him that I agreed. For the first time ever, I told them EVERYTHING about our marriage. They cried, one elder turned to my husband and said, "Did you really do all this to your wife?" My husband said, "Yes" with his head hung down. I told them that I still wanted out but would try. It did not work out, I was done.

One night, I kindly handed him a separation agreement. He again reacted with anger and ripped it to shreds. Told me that if he ever saw me and this other guy together he would put his hands around his neck and squeeze until all life was gone and would do this right in front of me. I said horrified, "YOU can't say things like that! I am phoning the cops!" He said he would just lie and tell them he never said it. BUT the thing was, my 10 year old heard it, came out of her bedroom and told him so. He went white and ran to our bedroom. I phoned the police. A woman came to the house. I went out to the car and told her my entire story. I lost it, I was bawling and could barely breathe. She insisted that she go and arrest him. She said that she did not want to be back tomorrow morning picking my body up from the ground. He was exhibiting all the signs of murdering me and she knew that he had lost control. She marched in, arrested him, to which he was so belligerent that she almost drew her gun on him. He was charged and he admitted guilt in court, he pled down to a lesser charge so that I did not have to go to court and tell the above story.

We are divorced now. I met someone AFTER the separation and am happier than I could have dreamt. 2 years married now. Of course I was disfellowhipped for this. My ex-husband was only publicly reproved before the congregation for beating on me for years as well as all the other things he committed. My sin was leaving an abusive relationship that should have never happened in the first place and finding unbelievable love that is stronger every day I am with him. I would not trade my new husband for one family member that is currently ignoring me. I could not care less about those that do not want to associate with me now. HE broke the marriage bond first, not me. I should have had a scriptural divorce and been free of him.

Has it all been worth it? I have 5 siblings. Only 1 will not speak to me as the others are not Witnesses and 1 refuses to buy into their disfellowshipping regime. My mother has nothing to do with me as her new husband is the overseer in her congregation. Appearances are everything. My father is not a JW so NO problems there at all. JW are a camouflaged race cleansing regime. They believe that they are superior to all and that God will interrupt and destroy the lives of billions to save 6 million hypocrites. They have silenced me and branded me an unrepentant sinner. For this, I am very bitter. How can they judge my heart? I have met amazingly loving people since I was freed and KNOW that God would not and will not operate so unlovingly either now or in the future. God is love. JWs preach and practice hate, yet sugarcoat it with promises of paradise, love for neighbor and thousands of other false words. Worse of all they do it all in the name of God. Members are lulled into a sense of righteous indignation and made to feel that they are justified to hurt one of God's children.

Your supporter from the depth of my heart.

Michelle

The following is a heartfelt poem of mine:

HOW CAN YOU?

How can someone raise and then not

How can someone's blood run through another yet not?

How can someone say they love another, and yet not show it ever?

How can someone say that they will be there, yet never are?

How can someone assume that they are not needed for eternity?

How can someone say they listen yet always talk?

How can they act like God approves of tossing off their blood?

How can they love strangers more than their own?

How can they treat others with love, yet their own with anger and apathy?

Where do they find endless patience for strangers, yet not an ounce of understanding for what is theirs?

Why would they side with hurt and danger, and not with true love and safety?

Why do they act like they do not feel?

How do they feel when they do not act?

How do they feel when they are needed, yet refuse?

How do they sleep at night?

How does one bury a natural instinct?

How do they stop it from welling up and exploding?

Where do thoughts of the past go?

How do you not ache for what should run so deep?

What is their life about if not about pure love of what you brought here?

How can you shut the door when not one of your very own could shut the door on you, ever?

How can you judge when not one of yours could eternally judge you?

Why are you angry when we are the innocent ones?

Why don't you know better?

Why don't you learn?

Why are you the only one that has the right to try again?

Why are you always right, and others always wrong?

How can we be misguided and the one that should have guided, claims they have guidance?

Why did you not impart guidance?

Where are you?

Why do you want to be alone in this world?

Why are we never worthy of your expectations?

What must we do?

What could we do?

Why even try?

How could you call yourself a mother?

Where do I start? I was baptized in 1970 at a convention in Newton Mass. My husband at the time, was a Catholic and not at all interested in the JWs. It was my step-sister and her husband who studied with me.

I had my first child who was not even a year old yet. I took her to the meetings with me and to conventions.

Three years later my son was born. Against my husbands wishes, I raised my children in the JWs. My story is typical in that I did all the 'right' things trying to be the good Christian wife and mother always praying that someday my husband too would come and join Jehovah's people. We moved to Maine in 1978 where my third and fourth children were born.

I did well in the religion, thought of highly in the congregation. I studied hard and commented regularly at meetings. Sometimes I would even pioneer. I developed close friendships through the years with sisters that likewise had 'unbelieving' mates and we'd travel to conventions together.  Sometimes we'd have yard sales to get the money to get there!

We worked hard trying to win over our mates so that they too would want to serve Jehovah. Finally after fifteen years, my husband shocked me and started studying the bible. It didn't take long before he too was baptized and sharing in all that was part of being a Witness.

Friends would come up to me and say: "Isn't it nice that Ken (my husband) is a Witness now, too, and you have unity". Little did they know that all hell broke loose! He took that 'headship' principle and let it go straight to his head! There was no stopping him. He was very controlling, and even though he told me that it was my good example that encouraged him to study with the witnesses, he started to criticize me.

He really developed a holier than thou attitude.

One time while attending a district convention, we had been arguing in the motel and he said to me : " You've been going around in circles all these years, now that I'm head, things will go right"! He always put me down and caused arguments, especially when we were at assemblies.

It was often in front of the brothers that he would criticize and verbally abuse me. He would also pick on the children. And there were times when the abuse became physical. He slapped my oldest daughter one night. Another time he pushed my oldest son down on the floor and yelled at him. And sadly, the kids had to witness their father shoving me around too. Then there was verbal and emotional abuse. For example, He said to my youngest Daughter once:  "I can tell that you didn't read the Watchtower and Awake! magazines because they are still in the same place"!

He would go to the elders and tell them that I wasn't giving him his 'due'. He actually lied to them on more than one occasion. There is so much more to tell and I have begun writing a book about my experiences to help others avoid making the same mistakes.

I will share this. It got so bad in the marriage that I was slipping spiritually. I was believing that I was not a good Christian wife, as I had been told that by Ken more than once. I started to hate him and Jehovah. I could not understand why god would allow this misery. I feared for my two youngest children who were still living at home at that time.

I started to think about making a plan to leave him, but didn't quite know how or when. One of the final straws however, was when, due to one of our many fights, he was so angry at me that he cancelled our 25th wedding anniversary party that my oldest daughter was planning for us!

He was serious! I made him call her to tell her! I had gone and spoke to the elders many times about our marital problems, and especially this time. Even the elder I told this too said that was really bad! But I did not get much satisfaction from them through all the years that I tried to get help. They chose to believe Ken.

Then one night , after a very heated argument earlier, I came home from the video store with my son. My son wanted to watch his movie, but his Dad, seething from the fight earlier, and having had a few beers as well, was just ready to attack! He told his son NO, he couldn't watch the movie rental, because: " I'm watching TV"!  I came running out of my room, and in defense of my son, asked why he couldn't watch his movie. Ken just started his yelling and screaming and I said to my son: "Come on, we'll go over your sisters and watch it". Then Ken, who was furious, that I suggested that, screamed: "Well pack your things and stay there until your attitude changes"!

He actually told us, both me and my son to get out, he threw our cat out and locked the doors behind us! We left in tears and fled to my daughters house. I was crying when we arrived and I asked her if we could stay for a few days. She assured us that we could stay as long as we needed. I took her up on her kind offer and decided that I wanted to stay away from Ken. This was the 'separation' that I wanted and that Ken would not grant me earlier. ( will tell more on this later)

Through all this turmoil, and pain, I still went to meetings. I did not sit with Ken. The congregation knew what was going on, of course. As if it wasn't bad enough that my marriage was falling apart, I was treated as though I was disfellowshipped by many in the hall.

The brothers tried to convince me to get back with Ken. They tried to get me to say that surely the problems were 50/50, right sister? But because I didn't agree, I was a thorn in their sides.
I armed myself with information right from the Watchtowers and Awakes to make my point. There was one about a brother who was an adult child of an alcoholic, that I had Ken read and that I  (tried to share) with the elders. I did so much research over those months. I became like a 'spiritual' lawyer to plead my cause. They seemed threatened by the fact that I had done my 'homework' and was able to refer to the Society's own publications to make my point.

But no matter what I presented to the elders, they just didn't get it. I was trying to help them see that my family was being emotionally and spiritually abused by my husband. None the less, I would still keep them updated on things, as they hoped that we would eventually reconcile. This way they could see that I was trying to work things out. I was still living with my oldest daughter at this time. Ken and I would talk on the phone sometimes. One night we even agreed to go to 'worldly' marriage counseling! I made the appointment for us but the night before the appointment Ken phoned me and said that he didn't think it would do any good and he called it off!

This was a real wake up call for me. I thought, if this man really loved me, why, he would do just about anything to make things right for us and the kids. From then on I just focused on getting myself and my young son healthy. We stayed at my daughters for about one year, when I, after lots of prayer, found a cute little apartment that was very affordable. This turned out to be a little haven for us. We had been able to heal from some of the wounds that we suffered. I only continued going to meetings for a few months when I just could not deal with the hypocrisy any longer. So, I wrote my letter disassociating myself in October of 2000. I divorced Ken in November of 2001. My young son lived with me until he turned 19 and then decided to go live with his dad. His choice right now is to remain a Jehovah's Witness . My prayer is that he too will see it for what it really is and make his escape someday. He is the only one of my children that is still 'imprisoned'.

Interestingly, I am more spiritual now then I was all those years that I was a JW! I have never felt better in my life!  I have since met someone very wonderful who treats me with respect and dignity. Was it all a waste, those many years as a JW? Not really. I did take away some good things and a few good friends, (who also have left the organization.) The most important thing is that I escaped the bonds of a very controlling organization and have now found the freedom to be myself!  My journaling hasn't left me. It kept me 'sane' during the rough years. If you'd like to hear more just let me know, or wait for my book.

(I'm about half done)

How could I have believed it all? http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/21569/1.ashx

Sexual Abuse of wives in the Borg http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/27530/1.ashx

Definition: Spiritual Abuse http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/31114/1.ashx

Social Death: The Practice of DFing among JWs http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/31116/1.ashx

Emotional Blackmail and JWs http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/31197/1.ashx

Mind Control Techniques and Jehovah's Witnesses http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/31235/1.ashx

Why do we tell our stories? http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/8/32755/1.ashx

Why don't victims tell about their abuse. http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/8/45869/1.ashx

Baptism - The Issue of Consent - for children http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/34266/1.ashx

Matthew 23 and the WTS http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/35854/1.ashx

Only the strong survive http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/16/42485/1.ashx

Til death do us part - divorce http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/43881/1.ashx

Putting on the NEW personality http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/51400/1.ashx

NEW personality 2 - The armor http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/51532/1.ashx

Using your anger to make positive changes http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/53831/1.ashx

Recovery and jigsaw puzzles http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/57366/1.ashx

Date Rape - What is it? (Warning: Graphic) http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/57914/1.ashx

Memory - How it works http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/16/58884/1.ashx

Toxic Parents Toxic Religion 1 http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59414/1.ashx

Toxic Parents Toxic Religion 2 http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59448/1.ashx

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Part 1 http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59888/1.ashx

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Part 2 http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/59937/1.ashx

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Part 3 http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/60068/1.ashx

The Subtle Power of Spiritual Abuse - Part 4 http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/60069/1.ashx

The Program Within http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/9/61340/1.ashx

Black and White Thinking. http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/61439/1.ashx

Trusting ourselves vs trusting the org http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/64057/1.ashx

Emotional Blackmail and ex-JWs http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/67481/1.ashx

Brainwashing http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/12/69347/1.ashx

Addicted to Misery http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/20/70569/1.ashx

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/6/73090/1.ashx

by Jeanne Jackson

At the age of five, my mind was fresh,
my parent's taught me the Religious mess.
They sat me down in hard back chairs,
in Kingdom Halls full of stares.
They told me GOD put men in power,
mediating for us in an Ivory tower. 
Illuminated from the top,
I don't think I like that thought!
giving my mind, soul and body.
belonging to them - that was my folly.
We had the truth - it was not lies,
our Governing Body was so wise.
 A well-trained parrot I came to be,
for the Watchtower Society.
They taught me my duty - like it or not,
get up on the platform and give a talk.
I did exactly what they said,
Ignoring what the scripture read.
If we didn't give a real good talk,
we lacked GOD'S spirit and we were a flop.
Never able to use my mind,
with the GODLY freedom given mankind.
Interpretation and prophesy
was all figured out for you and me.
My nose was always in their books,
Nowhere else did I ever look.
I preached to some about failed dates,
and wondered why hearers were full of hate. 
Knocking on doors until my knuckles were sore,
was never enough, they wanted more.
A man may work from sun to sun,
but the Society's prodding is never done.
Mountains and mountains of hills I climbed,
I thought this Work was truly Divine.
A brother told me "DO YOUR PART,"
"IF YOU DON 'T BRAVE THAT DOG
THEN YOU'VE GOT NO HEART."
A great judge he came to be
for the Watchtower Society.
I braved that dog on a mighty chain,
while the ministerial servant in the car remained.

Chased by a herd of geese,
and vicious dogs biting at my feet.
For the Society I only spoke,
using scripture's they would quote.
People would laugh and candidly say,
"You're playing your own tune
on that scripture today."

I thought I was doing what I should,
minding Mother and being good.
They told me GOD would bless me well
if all their literature I would sell.
I never took a donut break -
that time was sacred, for heaven's sake!
Like a cop out on the beat,
a day in service was my retreat.

Missing meetings was a sin,
you'd get the cold shoulder if you didn't attend.
Peer pressure was there for hire,
the ambition of the Society's desire.
The Watchtower was their IDOL for study -
JEHOVAH'S LETTERS for everybody.
They said they were an Organization of love
sent to us by the GOD above.
Titles they use, like SISTER and BROTHER
while secretly they inform on each other.

Crushing sheep like broken reeds
was part of their daily deeds.
Making up a thousand rules,
for sheep to keep like little fools.
Adding to the scriptures, and taking away,
you can be assured, that they will surely pay.
The cost in stumbling has been great,
not to mention the spilled blood they take.

They said we were all equal, part of the body -
but the Eldership was their "apple toddy."
They've done the judging, meant for Christ,
thinking their judgment would suffice.
They always point away and say
out in the world the Pharisees stay.
Pretty pictures they love to paint,
You'd think that they were man made saints.

To the sheep they will not tend,
they simply cannot comprehend.
Calling their publishers the "RANK and FILE"
slandering with reports all the while.
I saw plenty in forty years,
some which sadly brought me to tears.
They talk about the widows mite,
if you don't measure up, she'll surely bite.

In committee meetings, they feel power -
over their victims they can tower.
To your face these cowards won't speak,
playing platform games of hide and seek.
They feel their rights just never end,
and to their questions you must bend.
What is your history? from where have you come?
Digging up gossip, their work is never done.
Where are your relatives?
Are they living close nearby?
We need to know your maiden name,
because we NEED to spy!

Jesus said, "TAKE NOT THEIR MONEY,"
but to the Society, that's their honey!!

Racking millions - that's what they take!!
Trusts, wills, real estate, even jewelry
would be just great!!
They say that you'll he greatly blessed,
If only you'd build up their little nest!!
As I grew older, I could plainly see -
there's a Watchtower conspiracy!!

I opened their books and what did I see?
RUTHERFORD and RUSSELL, looking back at me!!
I thought to myself, "What can this be?
It sure does look like IDOLATRY !!!
They GLORIED in men, what a disgrace!!!

Now the Governing Body is taking their place!!
Jesus set the example, giving to the poor.
The Watchtower Society just keeps asking
for more, more, more!!
Keep YOUR eyes SIMPLE, that is what they say.
Don't build a house, keep materialism away!!
They want more members, they have from the start.
Their doing all they can for this,
INCLUDING  SUBLIMINAL ART!!!

To forward a letter to Jeanne Jackson, send it email to Randy or in a sealed envelope to:
Free Minds, Inc.
PO Box 3818
Manhattan Beach CA 90266

Dear Mr. xxxxxxx xxxxxxx

Re: Disassociation Letter

It has taken me a long time to write this letter because I could not decide what to say. I thought about discussing every point were I do not agree with Jehovah's Witnesses. I thought about pointing out how the past false prophesies of the religion has made it obvious it is not governed by God's holy spirit. (Deut. 18: 20-22) This letter also might have been about my objections to a group of men I have never met, nor know their names deciding my beliefs and my inability to have any thoughts based on my personal study and relationship with God. But instead, I decided to relate to you my own spiritual journey and to show you that my motives are pure, and how I have developed an ever closer relationship with Jehovah.

How beautiful it is to experience the freedom and joy of a love relationship with God! Yet how sad it is that Jehovah's Witnesses insist on relating to God in a legalistic way. Their righteousness is based on what they can do for the Jehovah instead of on what He has already done for them. They carry around a huge list of "do's and don'ts" to keep them bound to God.

I am no stranger to that depressing kind of negative righteousness. As I was growing up, I considered myself one of the most godly kids because of what I didn't do. I didn't smoke. I didn't associate with "worldly kids." I didn't go to watch rated "R" movies. I was taught that such things were utterly sinful. So not only did I avoid those things, I also believed I was far more righteous than my weaker friends who indulged in them. I thought I was much more holy than some elder's kids, who was known to sneak around and go to school dances or kiss a boy at the skating rink. I was above all that, and I was sure Jehovah noticed.

Still, I had a big problem. Although I didn't go to school dances, I longed to pick out a prom dress, so I felt condemned. I would get a new determination again every Sunday night and would promise Jehovah that next week was going to be different.

Because my righteousness was a matter of willpower and effort, before long my relationship with God became a tremendous strain. Every summer I would attend our district conventions. On the last evening we would sing the last song and clap, ending a spiritual paradise. I would have written in my assembly program things I would work on to bring me closer to Jehovah. I remember one assembly in particular where tears would roll down my cheeks knowing that I was going put away my teenage fleshly desires. I would tell God that I wanted my life to be consumed by His love and that I wanted to give myself completely over to serving Him.

As we left the assembly I would reflect back on my notes and my new determination to live a life completely acceptable to Jehovah God. I would keep the program in my Bible to look at when I attended the meetings, remembering my promises to stay no part of this world that was passing away.

I was careful to keep all my commitments - but I also ended up in a draining, legalistic relationship with God. I had very little joy in my walk with God because I was tied to God by a contract. I couldn't break my agreement; hadn't I signed and dated it, and didn't I carry it around with me in my back pocket? No, I was committed to keeping this agreement and I fiercely believed that God owed me something for my efforts. God had to be good to me... at least, better to me than He was to those who didn't follow through on their commitments.

Imagine how let down I felt when no matter how hard I tried, I still did not feel like I was happy. I spent summers pioneering. I had set Bethel service as a goal for myself. I worked hard to get above average hours in the field ministry. I tried to place more magazines. I set goals for more return visits. The more I thought about it, the more confused I became. Here I was keeping my end of the bargain, yet God seemed to pay no attention at all. I constantly felt let down. I was not having any amazing results in field service. Things in general did not seem to be working out any better for me at all.

Every once in a while, of course, I would get honest with myself and begin to see that I wasn't nearly as righteous as I liked to think. I knew that my attitude frequently was not what it should have been. There were moments when I knew I had thoroughly fallen short of Jehovah's will for my life. I recall a time when I had a boyfriend for 23 hours. For six months afterwards I lived in utter condemnation because I had a weak moment. Often I would give up on the idea that Jehovah would ever see fit to bless me. There were a lot of things I wanted to pray for, but what right did I have to ask Him for anything when I had failed Him so miserably?

This heavy burden of works-righteousness carried over into my early married years in. It didn't take long for me to realize that there had to be more to ministry than what I was experiencing, more to a relationship with Jehovah than what I enjoyed. I wanted to feel his presence in my own personal life!

In the summer of 2005, soon after our district convention I had a hard time understanding a particular point in the scriptures. I pointed it out to my parents and they really did not hear me. It was two weeks later we got a new WatchTower article that featured "new light". The article said exactly what I had been thinking. It hit me. Why could I not read the scriptures and discover the message they held for us with my own two eyes through prayer and meditation? It was scary for me to believe in "present truth" all the while knowing that any number of "truths" could later be changed due to "new light." This is when I began to read the scriptures with a new goal. I read them without taking any of my preconceived notions to see what they said. I read the words without literature of any sort and prayed for Jehovah to give me accurate knowledge.

Therefore I began earnestly to seek God with Bible study and prayer. I would study for days at lunch breaks, at night, and every spare moment. I begged God for His blessing, His power, and His love in my life. What I got out of it was completely unexpected. I was amazed that what I was reading was telling me something completely different from what I previously believed. But later I discovered that the ultimate witness we can offer the world is the love we have for one another, a love that flows from the very heart of God Himself. Conforming to rules and regulations simply can't produce that kind of love relationship. We can try to impose the law on our relationships, but God's love is the only way to gain the stability and security we long for. The Bible tells us that love is the fulfillment of the law. In fact, when asked which was the greatest commandment, Jesus replied that it was to love the Lord with all our heart, mind, soul, and strength, and to love our neighbor as ourself. Love, not the law, is the key to our relationship with God and with one another.

God wants us to experience the beauty of being drawn to Him by a cord far stronger than the obligation and guilt of the law. If we were still bound to God by a list of rules and regulations, we would soon find ourselves chomping at the bit and struggling against the restraints. There is a huge difference between being bound in relationship by the joy of love, and being tied up in obligation and guilt.

God never intended that His people be bound by an endless list of external pressures. It isn't pleasing to God to hear us moan and complain, "What a drag! I have to go to the meeting again when there are a hundred other things I'd rather do. But if I don't go, God won't love me anymore and the elders will give me the evil eye for missing his talk."

If we find ourselves laboring under such burdensome attitudes, it is a sure indicator that we are not operating in a love relationship with God, but have instead fallen into legalism. God certainly wants better things for us than a drab, loveless existence!

God never made out a long contract that says, 'Abide by all my terms and I will love you and bless you; but if you violate even the smallest provision, it's all null and void and you are out of My kingdom!" Christians are not bound by any heavy contract to God. Paul declared that the only thing that constrained him was the love of Jesus Christ (2 Corinthians 5:14).

It took months of God's patient work in my life before I was able to break free of the bondage of self-righteousness. I had heard of others getting a tremendous blessing out of the book of Romans and the book of John. Since I was always looking for a blessing, I finally decided to dig into it. I remember my dad calling me once and asking me what I was doing. I replied, "Reading Romans." He said, "Why Romans?" And yet, try as I might, it was difficult for me to relate to. I decided to persevere anyway and see if I could discover what it was that others found so compelling.

One day as I studied this great book, God did nothing less than revolutionize my relationship with Him. It was there that He revealed to me the meaning of that simple, well-worn, but rarely understood word: grace. From that time onward I encountered such a free and loving relationship with Jehovah that I could not have cared less if I ever saw a spectacular miracle in my ministry. I discovered that even though I was prone to stumble and fall, my mistakes didn't alienate me from God. My relationship with Christ became less a roller coaster of highs and lows and more of a steady ride in His wonderful love.
Imagine how I felt when I discovered the profound truth, "If God is for us, who can be against us?" (Romans 8:31). For years I had labored under the misconception that God was against me. I pictured Him waiting for me to step out of line so He could send fiery judgment crashing down on me. I finally understood that Jehovah wanted me to enjoy the peace of His unconditional love, not the fear that always accompanies legalism. I began to relate to God in a whole new way.

I learned that the law was intended to serve as a protective guide to God's people. Its restraints were to function like a parent's safety guidelines, intended only for the welfare of a child. Once we discover the wonder of God's grace, we need no longer be locked in by the law. We can approach life freely because we love God and won't want to do anything to harm the loving relationship we have with Him. When we know the joy of fellowship with God, we won't want any barriers, any blocks, to come between us.

In fact, the more we experience of God's love, the more He Himself becomes the primary desire and focus of our life. The coercive aspects of the law become unnecessary. We find ourselves longing to please Jehovah simply because we love Him.

And that is the greatest joy in life - to experience a genuine love relationship with Jehovah. To know that He is for us, that He loves us, is the greatest source of security any person will ever know. Discovering the glorious grace of God was one of the most important events in my whole spiritual experience. I learned to relate to Jehovah on an entirely new basis: not on the basis of my works, or of my righteousness, but on the basis of God's love for me through Jesus Christ.

That is grace, and that is what makes life worth living. In fact, it is what makes life - real life, abundant life, fulfilling and satisfying life - possible at all. For when our eyes are opened to the astonishing truth that our relationship with Jehovah does not depend upon the puny pebble of our own efforts but upon the massive rock of His unchanging and loving character, life opens before us in a technicolor explosion of awesome possibilities.

Grace transforms desolate and bleak plains into rich, green pastures. It changes grit-your-teeth duty into loving, enthusiastic service. It exchanges the tears and guilt of our own failed efforts for the eternal thrill and laughter of freely offered pleasures at the right hand of God. Grace changes everything!

Sincerely,

Renee xxxxxxxx

It is difficult to express myself openly because my life has been packaged with so much humiliation, shame, and guilt. On the other hand it has proved to be of great benefit to me, as it all serves as a tool in the healing process; to be able to come alive and come out of the closet and to have a voice that can be heard.

Growing up with the sexual abuse from my father, and emotional abuse from my mother, has obscured my vision in dealing with spiritual abuse in a religious organization that claims exclusive rights to an acceptable relationship with God and to salvation (i.e., the Watchtower).
Why I needed to leave Jehovah's Witnesses organization

Several years ago, I was a very active pioneer averaging ten studies at a time. I had encouraged many to join the pioneer ranks with me. I felt I was a real motivator in the work of the Lord and a very productive "company" person. But all of this changed in one week.

I was studying the delicate subject of oral sex in their United In Worship book with a new sister and fellow pioneer. I felt uncomfortable when the sister told me that this was a very big thing in her marriage and asked me for more information. I wasn't sure how to handle it so I told her I would ask an elder friend of mine, who was a long-time Jehovah's Witness and the Presiding Overseer of our congregation, for his advice. He informed me that anything to do with the mouth during sex could constitute oral sex. I was totally unaware of all that was involved, since this was the very act that terrified me in my childhood which I did a master job of suppressing. I took the information he and I discussed and shared it with her, along with my thought that it was probably a conscience matter since at that time I couldn't find much information in the Watchtower bound volumes.

This was the beginning of an explosion like that of an atomic bomb. My study discussed our conversation with a long-time JW and told her it was OK to have oral sex. As a child, the sister was terribly abused by her father with oral sex, and remembered it well. She was hysterical at what she thought I had taught my Bible study. She got on the phone, contacting a close relative of mine, also an elder, and went crazy over this. He went to the other elders, and then everyone was all whipped up into a frenzy over what I had done.

Next, he went to the sister (my study) and told her she must make an accusation against me, in order for this to be handled right. The sister was shocked and said she needed to talk to me first, in harmony with Mathew 18:15, and that it was probably a big misunderstanding. The elder said "No!" He told her to trust him as he was an elder and acting in behalf of the rest of elders and in the interest of the keeping God's organization clean. If she did not come forward and make an accusation, I could die at Armageddon, and she would be responsible for my death because of not getting me help. I had always taught her to trust the elder arrangement, because it was God's arrangement. She quickly reminded me of this. She pressed charges.

A meeting was set up right away. They called me in and I wasn't allowed to have anyone with me, not even my husband. I have never been through such an ordeal. They wanted to know details about my sex life both in my previous and present marriage. They yelled at me, telling me I was lying to them. They were all over that room, shaking their fingers at me. I felt so terrible. I told them repeatedly, I didn't know I was wrong and that I was sorry. I said I did not tell her anything about my own sex life. I didn't feel right about that, even though she kept asking me, so she could gauge her sex life by mine. I was so unclear about what oral sex entailed and kept asking them to be specific about what it was. They would not explain it to me saying I knew full well what it was.

As this interrogation was continuing, it got to a point that I felt I should tell them anything that they wanted to hear because I was so scared, and maybe then they would stop yelling at me. I was so terrified. Constantly, I was told that I was lying and that Jehovah would punish me. They said they were there under the direction of holy spirit and I needed to trust them. I said I did, but this was being blown all out of proportion.

Raising their voices, I was told repeatedly that I had a very rebellious attitude and they were shocked to see it. Eventually, they called the first elder in to hear his side. He had phoned me prior to this to brief me on what to say during the above meeting. He said the rest of the body was out to get him, and using me as a decoy. I really trusted this brother and I went along with it. Little did I realize, I was the "fall guy" and I did fall! It was not until a year later, that this elder approached me privately at an assembly and told me that he was fully aware of the misguided information he gave me and that he used me to get the attention off of himself. He then apologized for his actions and for hurting me so much.
After a week of intense meetings with me, my study, and the elder, it was decided I would be reproved and stripped of all privileges because of my unrepentant attitude and rebelliousness. I was informed they did me a favor by not disfellowshiping me. Well I was devastated!

Word spread like fire as to what happened. There was a talk, "needs for the congregation," with all the clues anyone could want to hear, just no name attached. Then it was followed by many prayers in the meetings for God to please forgive those who were not repentant of their sins, and not willing to accept counsel.

At the meetings, during the next few weeks, each elder on the committee made comments using the same sentences used in my meeting. The husband of my study was constantly put on the platform to offer prayers for the congregation and his wife was allowed to continue her pioneering and was offered many parts on the platform. This is the same sister who openly confessed that she and her husband were practicers of oral sex. Interestingly, one of the elders on the committee was an ex-boyfriend of mine, with whom I became very involved with emotionally a year before all this happened, but then I chose to marry another man.

Many of you are probably wondering right now, why didn't I leave then? Well, I had hopes Jehovah would clear this up. My letters went pouring into Bethel pleading for help, explaining my situation time and again. They even have my life story, filled with my traumas of childhood experiences, yet the response I received was that there is no arrangement to appeal a reproof and I needed to get over it and get on with my life.

It wasn't until six months later that I found out what the actual charges were. They finally told me, "practicing and advocating oral sex." I said, "There was no witness, no confession, and that the study admitted in front of all, that I did not say I did this." I also wanted to know, how did I advocate oral sex? They said that I told one person that it was all right. They read from some older article that had one sentence that said 'telling one person can constitute advocation.' They refused any further discussions, saying that all of this went along with my bad attitude and refusal to acknowledge my sins.

I moved away from that Hall three months after the first meetings, as I could not bear the comments that were going around. So when I arrived at the new congregation, elder body #1 wanted elder body #2 to know how terrible my attitude was, so they met and informed them of the whole thing. Elder body #2 shared it with other folks too, and some wives. So congregation #2 became involved in the most humiliating, shameful thing I could imagine. After getting my privileges back a little over two years later, I was working hard to put it all behind me, so I approached an elder and told him that my goals were to pioneer again. He shook his finger, two inches from my face, and said, "just because you turn in an application doesn't mean you'll get accepted," so I never asked to pioneer again, in fear of rejection.

Over a period of time, I began to wonder if maybe I had done these things and that I was blanking it all out. Surely God would not allow this to go on for nothing. There had to be a reason, I thought. Perhaps Jehovah was allowing me to be readjusted, but, yet, I wondered, what had I done that was so wrong? My life became filled with depression and feelings of inadequacies that were overwhelming. Seemingly Jehovah would not clear this up, and then I began to feel it was because I did not deserve this from God, that I was bad, and my service was unacceptable to him.

Consequently, from all that happened to me, and being a victim of childhood sexual abuse, I then set myself up by making a mistake which reinforced to myself and to all onlookers that I was the evil rotten person they thought I was.

During the last elders meeting I was in, I carried a loaded gun. I was ready to blow my brains out as I could not take it any longer. Evidently, I won my way into the hearts of a few caring folks who were kind to me and seemed to understand my dilemma. They were kind and merciful, barely giving me a slap on the hand. But, it saved my life. If they would have disfellowshipped me, I was gone, as I had all my affairs lined up. I was resolved in my heart and was at peace at death's door. I would save God the effort to kill me.

After this, I had an injury that landed me in bed for nearly eight months. It proved to be the best rest I could ever have had. Several of the JWs came to visit me and tell me that if I did not have surgery and get back to the Kingdom Hall, that I would miss out on Jehovah's spirit and would suffer spiritually. But after I got away from the whirlwind of activities that kept me so wound up so that I didn't have time to think, I really started to look at things! I asked why would a religion cause so much harm to anyone? My question led me to a long, in-depth study of the origin of the religion I was a part of for most of my life. In time, I could see that the things that I had experienced were evil and destructive. It was not from God! I was ripped apart by wolves who wore sheep's clothing.

For these reasons, I no longer have anything to do with Jehovah's Witnesses. I nearly died and I feel they don't care. I don't need this any more. It is life threatening for me if I were to stay in this organization; I want to live and share my life with my family. I am ridding myself of this baggage and the feeling that I am an unworthy person because I cannot measure up to all the rules and regulations of this organization, many of which I was obviously unaware of. I cannot allow myself to endure the beatings and pain of such brutal treatment. I need to heal my wounds and heal the scars that cover my spiritual being.

If you could read between the lines, there is more pain than anyone can imagine; a thing I hope no one else has to go through. I think it's equally terrible to live with threats to keep silent over such trauma. To threaten with supposedly, God's backing, is an unscriptural, authoritative threat, a pulling of rank. It is "abuse of power." It isn't love.

I was raped by my father, with my mother quietly standing by. I had to live with that in silence for many years. I felt spiritually raped by these elders who falsely accused me, while the Mother Organization quietly stood by. I have lived with threats (if I became verbal) about my experiences in this organization, not only by the elders, but by relatives and friends. Many have chosen not to have anything else to do with me because of my need to cry out my pain. I think it's time that the world should know the truth about my treatment. If this were a court of law, they would all have to look and see first-hand the damage that has been done to me, and my husband and children. They would have to see the bills racked up to get help to deal with all of this. If justice were really done, someone somewhere would have to take responsibility for what happened. But Watchtower has covered over, not only its own transgressions, but those of its managers. Swept under the carpet, denied like the rape by my father.

I am finished setting myself up as a victim anymore. I hope others can see from my experience that they don't have to let this happen. It is a terrible crime. Healing is not only recognizing, but taking positive action; fleeing, getting help, and taking charge to make healthy changes. Healthy choices. Speaking out has helped me to heal and helped to break free from the silence and enslavement of spiritual abuse.

Thank you for reading my story,

Melanie

As a teenager I was an over achiever always striving hard for Good grades, I loved to learn. I excelled in many areas, like music, art, debate, oratory, athletics, and drama. But I became bitter as a teenage because everything was off limits to me, honor clubs, marching band, dances, softball, any and all of the things that, as children help us to explore our strengths and weaknesses, were forbidden to me. So I was not very proud of my religion and tried to hide it as much as I could. I always avoided all the normal questions people asked, and if possible, I never admitted to being a JW (short for a Jehovah's Witnesses).

Hurry up. Don't think about it. Just swallow.

One-hundred-seven tablets of the drug Desyrel, AKA Trazadone, were all that I had left of the order I had gotten filled as I left San Diego 3 weeks ago. I sat on my air mattress on the floor for maybe ten minutes, consuming them one by one. I wanted to know how many I was taking. I wanted to take them one at a time. I wanted to do this right.

Desyrel is sometimes used as an anti-depressant, my doctor prescribed it as a sleep aid. Not that I hadn't used anti-depressants before. In the past 12 or 13 years I'd tried Imipramine, Xanax (I was a zombie on this stuff), Welbutrin, Prozac (nope, I didn't get suicidal or homicidal-any more than I already was, that is), Zoloft, and several others I can't remember. "Better living through chemicals." Ha. There was something wrong with each one of them. I rarely consulted whatever physician I was seeing at the time as to what adjustment might be made in dosage. I just quit using. Then I'd try to 'snap out of it'. People who've never been depressed-clinically depressed-always say: "Just get busy!" "Take a walk!" "Quit dwelling on your problems!"

Yeah, like it's so easy to toss off that anvil on the chest. So simple to turn off the tears constantly lurking behind the eyes. Those people just jump out of bed in the morning. They've never felt lead in their veins and cotton in their head as you contemplate dragging yourself to the bathroom for a shower. I'd call my friend, Sandy.

"Guess what I did today?"

"What, sweetie?"

"I actually got up and took a shower!"

"Great! I'm proud of you!"

"Yeah, then I went back to bed."

There always seemed to be good reason to be depressed. After all, I came from a 'dysfunctional' family. I didn't meet my birth dad until I was 21. I was repeatedly estranged from my mother. I hadn't spoken to my sister in years. And my brother-well, he just didn't get it. My husband turned out to be a pervert and my religion didn't allow divorce under the unique circumstances of my marriage. My son was learning disabled and nobody could decide how to help him. And, he was encopretic. That means he shit his pants. Several times a day. For no apparent reason. All the psychiatrists said: "He's very angry." I was angry too. So here I was in an empty apartment in El Paso, Texas, downing every last sleeping pill I had.

I'd been divorced for a year. Since then, I'd floundered around in San Diego doing part-time office work and house-cleaning. I made great money working as a maid, but at the end of the day I was worn out. I'd have kept doing it in spite of the exhaustion, but the economy changed and people figured out that they could spend a couple hours on Saturday morning cleaning up after themselves. I lost most of my accounts and panicked.

Dear God, please give me guidance. Help me find a home for Shawn. Help me know what you want me to do. Don't you want us to be safe? What am I supposed to do?

On impulse I moved to Texas, where I had a couple close friends, Tom and Sara. We shared the same religion-we were Jehovah's Witnesses. We'd spent many hours in the door to door ministry together, and generally encouraged one another in the faith. We had a special bond, having come from abusive families who professed the same belief. Anyway, they'd painted a sunny picture of the place, telling me about how cheap food and rent was. They forgot to mention that there were no jobs. Or maybe I "forgot" to notice that they got by with Tom delivering pizza.

I had arrived in town with just enough cash to rent an apartment. I was able to get food stamps, but nothing else, since I was awarded child support of $327 a month. Never mind that the checks rarely came. I looked diligently for work the first three weeks. I'd never had trouble finding a job. There just weren't any here to find.

Hot Texas wind wailed relentlessly at my apartment window. Sixty-three pills were left now. I started taking them five or six at a time. I hadn't thought about listening to my Beatles albums one more time, or having one last Cherry Coke. What would I do if it was my final day on Earth? Go to the beach? Dine at a fabulous restaurant with friends? I just wanted to get this over with.

I'd written brief notes to Shawn and Sara.

"Dear Shawn- I love you, I'm sorry. Love, Mom"

"Dear Sara-What can I say? Please call my brother to come and get Shawn."

Then I'd pored over Shawn's baby pictures, sobbing and choking on images of unfulfilled dreams.
By now, everything was rushing in on me. Many times, I'd been close to this point, but I'd think, Shawn needs me, I gotta stay. He was almost a teenager and had not heard a word from his dad for a year. I was both mother and father to him. Because of his learning disabilities, I had become skilled at advocating for him, too. He needed me and I needed him. We were the only family each other had. Yet, the sadness that suffocated me, stemmed partly from watching him grow up without friends, without a 'normal' family life. I had failed him. This day there seemed to be no need to stick it out. Shawn will be better off without me. I'm just too messed up. I gotta end this pain. Then I counted the pills. There had been 107 of them when I'd started. Now there were less than a handful.

I gulped down the last of the orange juice. I remembered I had some valerian root (an herbal sleep aid) and stumbled to the kitchen for it. This was no cry for help. I wanted it to work.

I laid on the mattress for two hours or more; my eyes streamed uncontrollably while I waited for relief. The empty room matched the desolation I felt gazing at the walls. Pictures of southwest scenes, with their simple haciendas and towering cacti stared into the vacant room. Photos of Shawn smiled down on me, mocking the misery that gripped my soul. There had been no space in the car for furniture when we left Southern California, but I'd saved a few pieces of wall art. I'd never owned much, but this relocation had shoved us into the lowest level of poverty ever. I knew I'd end up like this. I'm gonna die with nothing to my name.

When I was a kid I often pictured killing myself. I'd see the funeral. Everyone would be sorry. They'd be so sorry.

Today it wasn't about 'them'. It was just about needing, no-craving- an end to the black cloud of grief that loomed over every waking and sleeping hour. Was this a permanent solution for a temporary problem? No. This was by no means a short-lived condition. It had dragged on for decades.
I lay there and waited to die.

Next, I don't know why, but I bolted upright. Some part of me had made a decision.
911. I gotta call 911.

I had no phone. I stumbled across the bare living room to the door, down the steep stairs and across the parking lot to Tom and Sara's apartment. Sparkles swarmed at the edge of my vision. I couldn't see more than a foot ahead. I caught a whiff of stale sweat emanating off my unwashed body. I climbed the stairs with cement feet and knocked on the door, swaying there in malodorous pajamas. Sara answered.

"Karen! What's wrong?"

I pushed past her, mumbling: "The phone. I have to use your phone."
I dialed deliberately.

"911, emergency."

"I need an ambulance."

"What's happened?"

"107. I swallowed 107 pills. Come get me."

I hung up the phone and trudged toward the door, without looking at Tom's or Sara's face. I gotta get back to my apartment. I don't want the paramedics in Sara's house. She'll be so upset.

Sara was upset. She supported me down the stairs, across the parking lot, and to the sidewalk in front of my apartment to wait for the ambulance. Through my haze, I could feel Sara's anxiety. I had to ignore it; this time I needed soothing. I didn't get any. I swooned, nearly blacking out from the overdose. Brilliant sunlight made me shield my eyes and a deafening ringing in my ears kept me from hearing the siren of the approaching ambulance. Neighbors began to gather around. I could see tomorrow's headline: "Crazy California Woman Brings Suicide to Our Town." I'm going to die surrounded by strangers and rednecks.

Blood-red lights now whirled before me. A man I had met the day before emerged from the emergency vehicle. He was Ed, a member of the local congregation of Jehovah's Witnesses. Sara and I had run into his family while we shopped for groceries with my food stamps. Ed had mentioned he worked as a paramedic.

Ha! Here I am committing this great sin and it turns out the paramedic is a Witness. Who cares? I'll just be dead. So what. (Witnesses teach that there is no tortured after-life, no burning hell. So I had no eternal punishment to face for my deed.) Eventually, I would have attended the three weekly Bible study meetings conducted at the local Kingdom Hall. I'd been going to these gatherings for 22 years. All my friends were Witnesses. We were "the happiest people on earth" since we had The Truth. We worshipped the True God, Jehovah. We were a "united world-wide brotherhood". So why did I feel so alone?

I'd known Sara for 18 years. We'd suffered through nervous breakdowns together. The day before, while grocery shopping, we'd discussed our difficulties adjusting to life. "What's gonna happen to people like us, Sara?" Desperation and fear peered back at me through her eyes. She said nothing.

The day I pulled into town Tom took me aside. "Don't take this wrong, Karen, but don't count on us for much support while you're here." He was straightforward as usual. He and Sara had their own demons to wrestle.

I'd taken them at their word. I hadn't bothered them that morning with the hopeless desperation I'd felt after talking to Sam, my ex, on the pay phone. I had gotten the deranged idea that Sam and I should get back together. Why I wanted to reunite with a man who had admitted to molesting a friend's four-year old daughter, is hard to explain. All I can say is I was sick-as sick as the religion that would not recognize my husband's act as "adultery" because he (supposedly) had not penetrated the little girl's vagina. She had only been "fondled"-by a grown man. According to the WatchTower Society, if I divorced my husband on theses grounds, I could not remarry and remain in good standing. The WatchTower Society only recognizes conventional adultery as grounds for divorce. Any sexual relations (as defined by the Society) outside marriage are grounds for excommunication. My husband was not disfellowshipped, since it was the 4 year old's word against his. And the Organization's definition of "adultery" is very specific. If no penetration takes place, there is no adultery. Years later I learned that he'd said she only sat on his lap. He'd lied to the church elders. At home, he told me he had molested her, but it wasn't his fault-she'd asked him to do it. Typical perpetrator. I assumed he told the elders the same thing. Of course, they didn't ask what I knew about it. I couldn't volunteer information, either, since the religion made him my "spiritual head." That meant they left it up to him to tell me what was going on at the judicial meetings-an ideal cover for a pedophile. In the twenty-two years I'd spent as a Witness, I'd learned to take this patriarchal set-up for granted. I accepted it as scriptural, God's way of dealing with humans. At that time, I had no comprehension of the price I paid for this "truth."

In spite of all this, I worked myself into a frenzy for two days anticipating talking to Sam for the first time in a year. I called my ex-sister in-law, Linda, the previous Monday. She told me Sam was living in an old car he'd picked up. He was barely working and drank regularly. He hadn't done this while we were married. There had been plenty of other problems, but I needed to remember only the "good times". Linda said Sam had been competing in a local bar's Karaoke contest. I'd always told him he had a great voice. He was an unassuming person, unable to value his own talents. Apparently his confidence had grown. I hung on to the image of Sam standing in front of an audience belting out the Righteous Brother's hits. Certainly this meant he was becoming less passive. That night while I showered, the radio blared out "Ebb Tide". I fantasized Sam singing to me: "At last we're face to face/And as we kiss through an embrace/I can tell, I can feel...are you still mine?" I ended up in a heap on the bathtub floor, the steaming water washing away a torrent of tears.

The next morning I reached Sam at his brother's.

"I miss you, Sam."

"Well, I was just wondering how we ever got divorced, anyway."

That's weird, it was because you asked for it.

"Yeah, lately, I was seeing this woman. Boy, I thought you were a bitch, but she was a hundred times worse."

Thanks. I think.

"Well, did you ever think about us getting back together?" My stomach wrenched and my breath came in jerks as I asked the fatal question.

"No, not really."

Well, there it was. That was it. Not: "I'm sorry, Karen, but not really." No "maybe," just "no." Okay, fine. I'm not even good enough for a child molester anymore.

I didn't hear the rest of that conversation, there was too much screaming in my head. By the time I hung up the phone and drove back to my apartment, hysteria had taken over. I got out the pills, wrote the notes, and poured the orange juice. I locked the front door, went into the bedroom and locked that door, too. I didn't want Shawn to get home from school and find my corpse. That's when I started swallowing the pills.

The emergency vehicle's lights still flashed and the siren continued to whine. I floated over the body and watched as it was loaded onto a stretcher and into the ambulance. Gravel cracked on the windows as the ambulance spun off. The sweatshirt was peeled up and sticky nodes leading to an electronic monitor were attached around the bare breasts. I could sense embarrassment in the part of me still in the body. This is absurd. She's dying and she's worried about strangers looking at her flat chest. Their comforting touch on her skin wasn't felt, she could not open her eyes to see, yet every sound was as a needle jabbing the eardrums. From far away they were yelling vital signs and urging, "Karen! Stay with us! Open your eyes!" Silly people. She doesn't want to wake up. This is what she needs. Go away. Soon she can leave this scene and slip into sweet, peaceful oblivion. The pain will be over.

Moments (hours?) later, the emergency room. I could hear, but not see, a dozen doctors and nurses scurrying around me. My mind had somehow been raised to a higher level, rendering a preternatural acuity-every sound told me that the end was near. Cold, bright, white lights overhead drove me deeper into the dark cave in my head. A nurse tried to force a tube down my parched throat. No! No! I wanna go! Leave me alone!

"No! That's what my stepfather did to me!" I heard my voice say it but felt unconnected to the accusation's meaning.

"I'm sorry, honey. We have to pump your stomach."

Deep, heaving waves began in the abdomen. The throat gagged each time the hard, plastic hose entered it. On the fourth try, the tube snaked down.

Shrill voices reported my condition. It didn't sound like I was going to make it. Still, they poured powdery charcoal down the shaft into my churning belly. How long was it before that black bile was sucked back up and out, bringing with it my hoped for release? I have no clue. Giving up, I let them minister to my limp body.

Hours later: Shit. I'm still alive. Something hard intruded between my legs. A catheter. Cool, pure oxygen entered my lungs through a slender tube attached under my nose. A delicate Texas accent informed me, "Honey, you're in the ICU. We need to keep an eye on you for awhile." ICU? Oh yeah. Intensive Care Unit. Twilight met my lethargic eyes. An IV protruded out of my left arm and the nodes stuck onto my clammy chest told my heart-rate. I felt detached from my flesh. The meat and bones had survived and I was still trapped inside. Once again, I could feel the leaded veins pulling me back to the black place. I pushed away the reality and crawled behind the wall inside my head.

"Your mother's on the phone dear. Can you talk with her?"

I rolled my closed eyes in a familiar gesture. "No, leave me alone."

Clicking heels told me the night nurse was leaving. In spite of my rancor, she returned with a message. "Your mom wants you to know she loves you."

Her attempt at compassion was acknowledged with a silent stare.

I don't remember much else from that night, except that I begged to have the catheter removed and I tried to refuse the juice the nurse brought each hour. I didn't fight much, though. She won every time. I knew with each sip I was helping her purge my system of the drugs that I thought would be my ticket out.

The next day I woke in a private room, my skin sweaty and crusty from the ordeal the day before. I wonder what day it is. Oh! Yesterday was October 13! Shawn will be thirteen in 3 more days. No! Don't think about Shawn. I went back to my sleep cocoon. I sucked in musty oxygen and sank beneath stiff institutional sheets. God, I need a shower. Later. It doesn't matter. I'll do it later.

Sara visited me just once in that colorless space. She fidgeted and couldn't look me in the face. She didn't stay long or ask how I was.

"I called your brother. They're coming down from Iowa."

"Thanks."

That's the last time I saw my best friend. Months later I called to talk.

"No, I'm sorry, Karen, she can't talk to you yet." Tom was shielding Sara, yet again. He had told my brother that my attempt had scared Sara, that she suffered similar notions about ending her life. She was afraid to have contact with me, afraid of how I'd almost made the fantasy come true. Sheesh, if you're that fragile, get therapy. I never got to tell her how much it hurt to be cut off like that. Or how angry it made me that I had hung in with her through so many crises, but she couldn't see past her own fear to give a little support when I needed it. I never got to tell her how much I miss her, even now.

I lost my friend, but the suicide attempt saved my life. It nudged me toward a new direction. I can't say I had an intense conversion from "I hate my life" to: "I'm so glad to be alive". I was sent to a rehab center for three weeks, after spending two days with the hospital shrinks. Rehab didn't provide much more than a brief time-out from my pattern of surviving disaster to disaster. And I was diagnosed with manic-depressive disorder. More and more drugs. But I'm not bi-polar. That's another story. After my stay in the treatment facility, I headed up to Iowa to reunite with Shawn. My brother had come down, loaded up my stuff and taken my son back to Des Moines to start sixth grade. Thank god my relatives did that much-if merely out of a sense of obligation.

Not much changed in my life, right away. Even though I'd moved to Texas, San Diego still felt like home; I never really want to leave the west coast. When I moved to Iowa, it felt like a defeat to me. I've always felt like a fish out of water in the midwest.

My family's hospitality only lasted a couple weeks. I had to quickly find a job and get a place of my own. There was going to be no time to figure out my life, heal from the suicide attempt, and plan for a successful future.

My brother came to me. "Sorry, Karen, but you're going to have to move out today."

"Even if we have to live in my car?" There were no other immediate options.

"Sorry. Mary just can't take having house guests any longer. You're just going to have to get it together."

"Bill, it's the middle of November, in Des Moines-not exactly beach weather out there."

"Sorry." He walked away, taking away most of the respect I'd ever had for him.

My sister-in-law had run out of patience. Christian kindness had its limits. (My relatives were True Christians, too - Jehovah's Witnesses.) After all, her worldly brother and his wife had stayed with them several months. She'd had enough. Predictably, my timing was bad. A woman in the congregation took us in for a couple days. I got a job as a grocery clerk and was able to rent a floor of an old farmhouse for Shawn and me. A "worldly" (that's what Witnesses call outsiders) woman allowed us to move in and pay rent later. It felt good to be trusted, if only by an unbeliever.

My irrational, downhearted mode of thinking continued to dominate. I obsessed on making enough money to get back to San Diego. I had a few real friends there. There was still Sandy, a fellow survivor of childhood abuse and bad marriages. She was stuck in a loveless union. She understood the black pain, the desperation. Sandy would call around midnight.

"How're ya doing, Karrie?"

"Oh, you know. I want to come back. I've been thinking about taking on a second job, part-time. I could save enough to get back there and get started again."

"What about Shawn, though? When would you see him?" Sandy was never accusing; the questions were presented gently.

"I know, that's a problem. It's hard enough to find someone to take him on Saturdays And I don't see him on the days when I work 12 hour shifts at the grocery store."

"I'm so sorry, honey. I wish I could do something to help."

"I don't know what to do, Sandy. I hate it here. I gotta get out of here." I sat in the dark, on the floor-we still had no furniture. I was searching for the magic answer to my problems. My friend gave me love and support, but she didn't have the fairy dust I needed.

"You know I love you, sweetie. Hang in there. I'm always thinking of you."

A month later, I got a call from Sandy's daughter. "My mom died tonight, after surgery for ovarian cancer. I knew you'd want to know."

My mood turned as gray and frigid as the January skies over central Iowa. A trip to the public library changed my outlook. I noticed an application for federal aid for college classes. I had always wanted to go to school. People thought I had a degree anyway. Maybe I could do it. The idea slowly gelled in my psyche as the way out of a life I could not bear. With this decision, I faced yet another conflict stemming from my religious affiliation.

The WatchTower Society has always discouraged higher education. In their view a college education leads to faithlessness, "higher criticism", and adherence to evolution rather than creation. Trade school or secretarial training might be OK, but a liberal arts schooling could only lead to ruin. Besides, the end of the world was just around the corner (it's been imminent for over 100 years now) and what was the use of spending time learning foolish, human ways? Better to spend one's time preaching and eking out a living doing janitorial work. Well, I had tried their way. And look what it had gotten me. A charcoal cocktail and 3 weeks in the loony bin. Anyway church leaders were beginning to change their tune about the whole thing. God's truth is so flexible. And it takes money to keep a cult going. Janitorial just doesn't pay enough. The laity has a hard time keeping up with their voluntary contributions. So, "new light" was beginning to emerge: it was all right to attend college-for the purpose of getting a better part-time job in order for one to support one's self in the ministry. Right.

I decided to pursue admission to Iowa State University. I hooked up with an adult counselor who became my guide through the administration maze. For instance, she told me how I could get into University Family housing. My attendance was dependent upon such gifts from worldly people. This same counselor taught me to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. That advice was prophetic. Especially on days when the wind-chill factor was 60 degrees below zero and I had 1/2 mile to walk to class.

I spent six weeks in El Paso, Texas 5 years ago. Three weeks were spent job-hunting, the other three in a mental hospital. This year, when the anniversary of my effort to end my life came around, for the first time, I was grateful. Every year before, I thought, Oh, I wish it would have worked. This is all just too much trouble. I never have had a bubbly "I'm thrilled to be alive" conversion. 1997 was different. This year I've looked back and been glad I'm here to see my son living on his own. He's got a girlfriend now, and sometimes we go to a movie together. A few months ago I met a wonderful man in class. We approach our relationship as equals; another "spiritual head" is not in my future. I've almost got my bachelor's degree and I look forward to grad school. I want to get my Master of Social Work degree so I can work with-yes-depressed people. Mostly I think I've found peace because I decided over a year ago to leave the religion that I now feel is a cult. I make my own decisions. I think for myself. I don't feel controlled by anyone. Or anything. Not by a patriarchal religious system, or lead in my veins. Whatever mistakes I make are my own. So are the victories. They're all mine.

*All names have been changed *Author's name withheld *Copyright 1997-the author

email the author

I am sure that it seems like everything was wonderful back then.  It seemed that way to everyone else too.  I was struggling inside though.  I had a very hard time with a few things.  First, I never felt like what I did was good enough to please my family or anyone in the congregation.  I never felt like I fit in or was included in things.  I remember being left out of the things the other kids did at the kingdom hall.  I had a hard time with this because everyone liked me at school but my fellow believers did not want to have much to do with me.  There was a large family who were all related in the congregation and if you weren't a member of their family, they just did not ask you to do things with them. 

I realize now, even though I did not quite understand then, that I was trying to please the elders instead of trying to please God.  I know my mother had a hard time with the same thing.  I heard her say many times, "Jehovah God understands my limitations.  I think He is more merciful than the elders are." 

Another thing that bothered me was the lack of love.  So many of the sisters and brothers were so rude to me.  I kept telling myself that they were just imperfect humans and I expected too much.  I also spoke out many times about the motivation everyone had for going door-to-door.  They counted hours.  I saw many times pioneers waste time on purpose.  They would go to people who obviously just wanted company and did not care about our religion.  They could give them literature and count it on their time cards.  They did not care about baptizing people.  They just wanted to make their time card look good.  I remember 2 people getting baptized who were converts instead of being "raised in the truth."  In 24 years there were only two.

Please do not get me wrong.  I was not a perfect angel myself.  I had my faults.  I kept trying and trying.  I kept making new commitments to Jehovah, only to find myself sinning yet again.  I would try and fail.  I never really felt like I was growing though.  I felt more like I was just running and then I would get exhausted.  I would run some more, and then get exhausted. 

At this point I was 18 years old.  I saw many things that I thought needed to improve in the congregation.  Never did I imagine or fathom that all of it was a lie. 
I graduated from high school May 2000.  I was very tired of being told every single move to make.  My parents would not let me date even though I was legally an adult.  They told me I was going to have to pioneer until I started college in the fall.  They let me go to college interestingly enough.  I was the second to go to college in my congregation in its history.  I am glad I was not the first.  I remember how much she was criticized.  My parents refused to pay for college.  They told me that I would have to work to pay for it myself. 

During college I began to learn so much about history and how to logically think.  I was bothered that the arguments and logic of the society commonly made little sense.  Their reasoning was so empty to me.  Their arguments were just not sufficient to me.  I remember in the summer of 2005 reading the scriptures and coming to a conclusion about a point in the scriptures.  I tried to show my family and they dismissed me quickly.  They would not believe me.  Then two weeks later the WatchTower had "new light" and said exactly what I had just said.  I showed my family yet again and they said, "You should have just waited on Jehovah to reveal it."  That made me realize that no matter how true something is, they will not believe it unless the WatchTower said it.  I was stunned.

That time in life was when things really started to change for me.  June 1st, 2006, I decided that I could not take being told every single step to make.  I wanted to remain a faithful Jehovah's Witness, but I wanted to have the freedom to let my own conscience guide me.  I left home and eloped with a boy from the kingdom hall.  We married without having been on a single date.

I did not do anything wrong by getting married.  I had some of my close friends disown me at that point.  They did not agree with the decision I made so they refused to speak to me.  They would say hello but that was about it.

The boy was one that had been interested in me for a long time.  He went to school with me and started coming to the kingdom hall when we were about sixteen.  He got baptized in about 1999.  I had suspicions then that he only converted because he wanted a relationship with me.  I did not realize that he knew the whole time how much of a lie it all was.  He pretended for years to be a Jehovah's Witness until he gave up about a year after we were married.  He just faded away.  He never told me or any of the other Jehovah's Witnesses that he did not believe them.  He also never told me until after my disassociation that he had decided he was going to hell for leaving Christ to be a Jehovah's Witness.  Because he had decided he was going to hell anyway, he treated me in any way he selfishly felt like it.

While we were married, he slyly put doubts into my mind.  He would ask me questions like:  "Why do they not welcome people in whatever clothes they have?  Why do they insist that they dress differently even if they cannot afford it?"  He would never agree that Jesus was Michael the archangel no matter what.  He actually got me to think and defend my doctrine.  I realized how little proof I had for a few of the things.  He asked me why a lot but never attacked me.  I do not know how he held back from telling me the truth all of that time.  I guess he knew that I would shut off talking to him about it if he admitted that he did not agree with their doctrine.

Those times were really hard for me.  He was selfishly treating me very badly.  He hit me on quite a few occasions while we were married.  One time was especially bad when he left welts and bruises.  The other times he would just push me down or hold me down.  He would yell and yell to the point where I could not take it any longer.  I began to pull my own hair out literally in frustration.  The yelling and criticism were the worst part of it.  He had such a control over me that he would not let me even go places with my mother.  I was constantly accusing of cheating on him when the truth was that I did not even want to look at a man at that point.  I had little money because he barely worked.  It really hurt me that his "worldly" family helped me by giving me food while the "friends" did nothing.  I called a pioneer once who lived about a mile from me and asked her for a ride to the kingdom hall because I could not afford the gas to get there.  She would not even do that for me.  The lack of love once again hurt me.

After I was done with college and had a job, things did get much better for me.  I was going door to door and had much better results than the other "friends."  Interestingly, I met a Christian who actually defended his faith in the door to door ministry.  It was a thought provoking experience.  I had never met anyone like him in my life.  During that time, I had 2 Bible studies.  I did not have time for anything else in the week because my husband was so demanding of me.  I was taken to the back room for council quite a few times because my service time was so low.  It was about 6 hours a month.  I was so hurt by that because I was studying with 2 girls and doing some good when many of the pioneers could not even say that they had two Bible studies.  This focus on hours and placements and lack of concern for actual people yet again hurt me. 

I finally decided that I could not bear to stay with my husband any longer.  June 2005, I finally left him.  I went to the elders for counseling.  They told me that I should have tried to stay because now I was setting both of us up for sin.  He was abusive to me.  I did not care if I set him up for sin or not.  The elder's reaction in the meeting shocked both my mother and I.  She was so proud of me and the fact that the elders would say such things upset her tremendously. 
I decided at that point that I was not going to be single for the rest of my life.  I did not care if I had to spend the rest of eternity in the silent grave.  I was going to live a happy life now.  I made the decision to leave Jehovah's Witnesses.

I quit going to the meetings except now and then.  I wanted to just fade away.  I knew I would be disfellowshipped when I remarried at some point but I wanted to put that off.  I lived a completely reckless life at that point.  I did whatever I pleased.  I did all sorts of immoral things.  I hid it all from my parents and the congregation.  I was not going to the meetings but I did not want to be shunned so I lied.

I had done everything else wrong in the world so I decided to talk to apostates.  I began to tell them my story.  I met a lady named Mary.  Mary changed my life.  She told me that the way they had been treating me was wrong.  She told me that God still loved me and wanted me to be one of his children.  She told me that eternal life was a free gift and I could stop working for it.  Mary promised me that if I would give my life over to Him that he would take care of me.  It took a while for all of that to sink in.

I began serious research day and night.  Hours and hours I studied the scriptures with a goal to find the truth.  I learned then why they did not want you to go to college.  I had learned how to think critically and could see that their logic made no rational sense.  It was amazing what I found in my studies.  The veil was gone and I could see the real truth.  The first thing that I realized was that I was going to heaven.  I had doubts during a lot of my early days but I kept saying to myself, "But I am sure that they are wrong because the Bible says I'm going to heaven."  I realized that my faith and belief in the Lord was the most important thing and that he would supply all that I needed if I would just trust him.  My relationship with God took on a whole knew meaning.

December 2005 I was called for a judicial committee meeting.  I thought it was because I had asked one too many questions.  I found out that they knew about something that had happened seven years prior.  They had been digging around in my past and found out about something.  I had confessed this sin to them when I was young and had been put on private reproof for it.  They were saying that they found out more about it that I withheld from them so they would probably disfellowship me for withholding the details from them. 

I cried.  I had no idea what to do.  My father came to tell me goodbye.  My mother came to tell me goodbye.  I called many of those I knew who were former Jehovah's Witnesses and now Christians.  They helped me to make a decision about what to do. I remember Frankie telling me that I had to make a decision.  I had to stand for Jesus and make a decision to follow him and depend on him or else to give in to the Witnesses.  I followed her advice.   I prayed to receive Christ into my life and I decided what I had to do.  That was the moment that my life began to transform.

I walked into the room of the judicial committee.  They asked me to describe the details of the sin to them.  I told them that God had already forgiven me seven years prior and I did not have to justify myself to them.  I added that I no longer wished to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses.  They asked me to leave the room so they could talk.  I waited.  When it was time, they called me back.  They said that they wanted me to make a donation for $1282.00 for some work they had "volunteered" to do after the Katrina disaster to my great grandmother's house in which I was living.  For some reason I gave them the money.  They asked me to sign a piece of paper saying that I no longer wished to be one of Jehovah's Witnesses.  It was over.

My family asked me to leave my house.  I had to move.  I found a new place to live.  I found a distant family member who was also an apostate and we were able to talk and he helped me emotionally.  He helped me grow into a Christian.  I found a church home and I am busy there.  It has been less than a year since my disassociation from the Watch Tower Society.  It has been the best year of my life.  I can hardly wait to see where God takes me.  It has been a ride of joy just so far despite the losses.

Renee

click here to read Renee's disassociation letter

"Peter Peter pumpkin eater had a wife and couldn't keep her,

he put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well."

Have you ever had a strong desire to share some deep truth with someone maybe even the whole world? Have you ever felt a burning desire to expose a group or an organization that you feel is steering people down the road to pain and disappointment? Have you ever felt trapped as if you were put in a 'pumpkin shell to be kept very well' and did not know how to find your way out?

I have looked and looked on the shelves at libraries and book stores and have been unable to find anything about a female Jehovah's Witness who has left and her experiences. I found I was asking myself 'why isn't this exposed to the whole world from a female's point of view?'

I am here to expose the 'truth' and to face the lies and dream world created by Jehovah's Witnesses. I lived it, breathed it, and it was a way of life for me. I am ready and willing to tell the truth to the world of what it is really like to be a member. This is my story of my life and it is completely true.

"Feel the fear and do it anyways"

THE BEGINNING

I was born a white female in the year 1959, June 21st in Pomona, California. My mother tells me that she and my father were so thrilled that I was a girl as it rounded out the family having a daughter and two sons before me. My parents were the typical family in the fifties. I think they both really tried to live the family lifestyle and make it work.

But, as things go, they divorced when I was only seven in the state of Washington where we lived at the time.

We were living in 'white suburbia' at that time. After my parents divorced we lost everything and my mother and all four of us children ended up living in the projects downtown Seattle, Washington.

Soon after Martin Luther King was assassinated. That was a horrible time for us as we were the minority living mainly amongst all African Americans. Therefore, we were put in foster homes while my mother worked hard to get enough money together to get us all back as a family living in a safe environment once again.
As time went on my two brothers moved in with our father in southern California and I followed at the age of eleven. My sister opted to stay with our mother in Washington. I remember how much I missed my mom and my sister both!

I settled into the southern California lifestyle and enjoyed it very much! I was always at the beach, swimming in a pool, being outdoors, wearing bikinis and discovering boys and smoking pot which I loved! It wasn't all happy, happy, for me however. My father worked long hours to support us all and I was left alone and on my own. I didn't know where to turn and was at a time in my life that I was very vulnerable. I had questions that kept nagging at me. 'Why does one die? Why am I here? Where am I going?' I have learned since that these are normal feelings and questions, however, I was open to various teachings and beliefs that would come my way.

I was home sick one day from school at the age of twelve. There was a knock at the door and I answered it. It was a woman who had a book called 'The truth that leads to eternal life.' She then showed me a picture as to 'whet my appetite' of a paradise where everyone was at peace. She says to me: 'Would you like to live in a place where no one ever dies, living on earth in a paradise?' What could I say? Of course I said 'yes!'

It felt like my answers to my questions had finally come true! I would never die and everything and everyone would be at peace! On my, how I had wanted that all along!

We immediately set up a time and date for a 'bible study.' Low and behold within four months I was a full fledged, devoted, baptized Jehovah's Witness. I really didn't know what hit me but I was soon to find out. (I was twelve years old...wow, what a big decision that changed my course of life forever!)

The religion taught that you need to keep studying and learning, attending three meetings a week. If everything else fails in your life your utmost responsibility as a 'Christian' is to the 'mother organization' and to 'Jehovah God.' We were not to doubt or questions the teachings. Seems like there was a ready made answer for everything. You dutifully took the beliefs and made them as your way of life. I did this very willingly and eagerly. The main focus was going door-to-door which I shard in often. We were to 'place' the Watchtower and Awake! magazines with the householders. I became quite good at it even though at times I didn't know why I was doing this nor did I question my fierce dedication to this. The 'truth' (as it is referred to) became my life, my security, my all encompassing everything! I continued doing all the things we were admonished to do even though I had some nagging doubts inside of me. I remember one time going to the public library shortly after I was baptized. I looked up the word 'Jehovah's Witnesses' and the book: 'Thirty years as a Watchtower slave' came up. I was excited to read some good experiences about the 'work', I thought. It turned out to be a book by a 'brother' who served for thirty years at the headquarters and then left.

In the book a lot was exposed about the organization. I cried and cried praying to God to "let it all be lies!" I was so scared! I had some anxiety attacks that I was not able to explain.

SCHOOL AND EDUCATION

I was in the ninth grade by now and I was not doing well in my schooling. The religion did not encourage school but rather being out in the door-to-door work. College was unheard of and was frowned upon. Why go to college and learn man's teachings when it is all going to end anyhow? This reasoning I believed and so to further my religious life and 'work' I slowly cut my schedule back until my junior year I dropped out completely. You get a lot of pats on the back when you 'put Jehovah first.' Everyone praises you and you have such a comrade. It truly felt good to have nice things said about me and to me.

My doubts were still with me and nagged at me constantly. I kept wondering: "Why is it that only Jehovah's Witnesses would be survivors at Armageddon (God's war and cleansing of the earth) and why do only a very small number of one hundred and forty four thousand go to heaven? How do we know? Who is deciding all this?" Oh how my doubts were so strong, however, I wanted to stay in the religion and within the 'fold.' It was an awful fear for me that maybe this really wasn't the truth. So, after a brief time I left but came right back with even more of a fury. I felt 'safe' once again as though I had come 'home.'

MARRIAGE AND FAMILY

As time went on my father and I moved up to central California as my two brothers had moved out by then. It was just he and I and at this point I was sixteen years old. By now I was very entrenched in the whole religion and knew the workings inside and out. (I thought) I immediately got in with the local kingdom hall there and continued on with my 'life purpose.' I met a fellow Jehovah's Witness who himself had become a member on his own. At the ripe age of seventeen and he nineteen we were married. I look back on that now and can hardly believe it! However, one of the very strict rules is that you have no sex before marriage nor are you allowed to masturbate, as it is 'displeasing to God.'

What do the young people do? What do we do with our raging hormones? As you can imagine there were many, many, young marriages and almost all ended in divorce! My husband and I had a son and at the age of one month we picked up 'lock, stock, and barrel' and moved to the pacific northwest. I missed the green trees and the beautiful lakes and rivers after living there in my childhood. My husband was young enough to be up for an adventure so we went! We did not know a soul and we ended up in Oregon. Of course we started up with the local kingdom hall there immediately.

You see...being a Jehovah's Witness is like family. Your real blood family is not that important. Your 'brothers and sisters' (as all members are referred to) in the 'truth' were more valued and were to be cherished above all. We were to only associate within the organization and not to get close to 'worldly' relatives or anyone who was not a Jehovah's Witness. So, we settled into life in Oregon as a young family of Jehovah's Witnesses. Yes, my doubts were still with me. I wanted so bad to truly believe everything that was taught from the pulpit.

When our son was three I had another child, a daughter. Oh how happy and thrilled we were to have a girl because we had the 'perfect' family with one boy and one girl!

I remember I would have bad nightmares that my children were in an accident or had a life threatening illness and needed a blood transfusion. As one of Jehovah's Witness blood transfusions are forbidden for yourself or your children even in the face of death! Oh how I hated those nightmares. I hated the fears and phobias I developed over the years. I now refer to them as the 'Watchtower phobia.' Fear to leave the organization, fear to question, fear to ever consider that maybe something else out there may be your 'calling', fear at ever corner.

My children were growing up and I was raising them in the 'truth.' I really feel now that I raised them within spiritual abuse and religious oppression. They didn't experience a normal childhood. No holidays, no school sports, no after school activities, and certainly no college. Never, never would I send my children to college as we were taught that college is bad with only 'worldly' teachings and would ruin you to the core! They were to only associate with like members of the Jehovah's Witnesses. Oh how I 'bought' into the whole teachings and tried to indoctrinate my children! In addition, I noticed there was a popularity contest within the organization. If you were 'strong' or 'devoted' you were very popular and got all the invitations to peoples homes. You were the ones that others looked up to.

DOUBTS

My doubts were getting so strong that now I could not ignore them anymore. I kept asking myself so many, many, questions.

• Why can't my children play school sports?
• Why can't my daughter be a cheerleader?
• Why can't my son play football on the school team?
• Why can't we celebrate the holidays?
• Why can't I read the books I want?
• Why can't I engage in oral sex with my husband?
• Who says it's a sin to masturbate?
• Why is all mankind going to die except Jehovah's Witnesses?
• Who makes the rules and makes the decisions for all these members lives?
• Why can't females head the church and give sermons?
• Why are there all males that are elders, leaders, ones in authority, and no females are allowed to have these positions?
• Why can't I associate and have a good friend of one that is a non- Jehovah's Witness?
• Why can't I leave the religion without feeling massive guilt and be terrified?
• Why can't we vote or salute the American flag?
• Why do we reap the benefits of modern society such as cars, stylish clothing, and yet talk and preach against this society?
• Why is it God is going to destroy all human government and all other religions?
• Why do I have to obey the organization and be in subjection?
• Why does my husband get to make the final decision?
• hy do I have to be in a subjective state to my husband?
• If I am to obey my husband and the church then who am I and where is my strengths and my individuality?
• Why can't we accept blood transfusions?
• Why can't I have sex with my husband when I am menstruating?
• Why does the organization continuously emphasize: 'discipline, discipline, discipline?'
• Why do we force our children to sit quiet for hours when this is not their natural state?
• How can I continue on in practicing this religion when I don't even believe it anymore?

'Why, why, why?' My head was hurting and spinning with all these questions! I could not stop them. I had reached the point when I could no longer 'put a lid on it.' I had to find out what was really going on and I needed answers now!

I became engrossed in reading everything I could read about Adolf Hitler. I was obsessed with him and his teachings. I rented videos about him, read books, read peoples thoughts on him, and his atrocities. I didn't know it at the time but now I see the relation. Jehovah's Witnesses say that there is going to be a 'new world order' and a 'thousand years of peace' and 'only the true religion will survive.' Is that not what Hitler was saying and preaching? His teachings were based on the 'new world order of a thousand years with only the Germans, the superior race, to survive.' Wow, what an awakening! How can I dam Hitler and his teachings when the Jehovah's Witnesses, that I belonged to, were basically teaching the same thing? Right before I left for good I went to the elders and had a meeting with them. I had terrible doubts and I was so confused. I asked them what to do and how do I get myself back believing the whole 'truth?' How do I help my children? I explained the panic attacks, I explained my fears. I really believed they would help me as we were taught that the body of elder is what God works through. You know what they told me? 'Study more, pray more, go out in the door-to-door work more, associate only with the strong ones,' and so on. I left feeling worse than before.

THE BREAKTHROUGH

Why was it so hard to leave? What was I going to do? I started counseling with a licensed Psychologist and was put on medicine for panic attacks. I remember feeling like I was falling off the earth. If there is no 'Jehovah', no organization, then who is holding up the earth? Who is making sure that we are all okay? I had sensations of falling and dying almost all the time. I have learned since that all these were just feelings and they don't really hurt you.
The 'last straw' was when I was at a weekly meeting (as I was still faithfully attending) one evening and one of my son's best friends he had grown up with said he wasn't allowed to hang out or associate with him anymore. My son came to me and told me this. I approached the father (who is an elder) and asked him about it. He made up some excuse but I got the 'real picture'.

You see, my children were teenagers now and I let my son be on the high school football team and go to school dances. I also let my daughter be a cheerleader and I loved going to the games and events. I loved watching my children perform and do normal healthy activities! They were being shunned now and we were 'marked' as weak and 'bad association'. That was it! I am happy to say I never went back!

My husband left, after almost nineteen years of marriage as our marriage was a total shambles by now. I was going one way and he was going another. He has since married and I am happy for him and wish him the best. I loved the freedom I had now. I still had some fears but I was working through them with the help of my counselor. I recall celebrating Halloween with my children for their first time. I kept thinking God was going to get me or some devil would.

My children and I celebrated all the holidays and it was such great fun! I loved it all and I loved seeing my children have a normal life. Neither one of my children are in the religion I am happy to say.

DISFELLOWSHIPPED

I was disfellowshipped soon after my husband left. When you are disfellowshipped, you are no longer considered alive or in good standing with God. You are shunned by the whole church and the whole organization. I was a Jehovah's Witness for all of twenty four years.

It has been six years since I have left. Six years of trying to get my perspective about life. I have been to counseling for years and I have challenged myself beyond what I thought possible.

I am attending a university where ideas and thoughts are encouraged and embraced. So much has opened up to me that I never knew were there. I am learning so much! Humanities, philosophy, sociology, women studies. Through it all I am seeing that I am a deserving person and it is okay to question and make my own choices.

I am so thankful to be out of the religion. I really consider it to be a cult now. I consider myself to have been brain washed, indoctrinated, and misguided at such a young age. I also know now that it is okay to question and speak up! That's why I tell this, that's why I want the world to know. My hopes are that this will help others who have left or are trying to leave.

I am considered 'apostate' by the organization and a small part of my family as I speak out against the belief's now. My former 'friends' (which I had so, so, many, up and down the west coast) now look upon me as 'dead' and do not speak to me or look at me in passing. I lost all my 'friends' in an instant, in one instant when I was disfellowshipped. I have experienced the pain of shunning, isolation, and helplessness that comes with losing all virtually 'overnight'!

THE REPERCUSSIONS OF LEAVING

After I was disfellowshipped and went through my divorce I was really feeling all alone one day and so decided to call a close, close, friend I had in the 'truth'. We were at one time great friends for about ten years. Her children played with my children, we all went camping together, inner tubing in the winter, out dancing as couples, BBQ's and so on. I guess I knew it was coming but when it actually did it was a shock!

When I called her I was so excited to just hear her voice and I know she could tell that I was. She said to me: 'Susan....you're disfellowshipped, don't ever call here again.' I was stunned and hurt as I hung up the phone and cried and cried.

I also had a childhood friend that I was very close to and who became a Jehovah's Witness through me as I introduced it to her when she was a young adult. So, I called her as I so wanted to hear her kind words as I was really feeling low. She said: 'Susan.....don't ever call me again! Don't try to contact me or see me!' That was it, that's all she said. A lifelong friend gone in an instant.

I sat at the table for a long time. I pondered on the fact that I was a faithful Jehovah's Witness for twenty four years. I did everything I was 'suppose' to do and supported and maintained my membership in the organization in the way expected. Now that I was disfellowshipped none of my former 'friends' that I use to associate with even acknowledge my existence. They were my whole group of friends, my whole social world, and my whole support system was gone and no help was offered. No one, and I mean not one person, called me or checked up on me after my husband left me. As I pondered this I wondered 'what kind of religion is this? Is this based on love or is this based on fear and mind control?' It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out!

I sat there as I was hurting and thinking of all the years I wasted! I felt pain and anger both. Anger that I gave up the best years of my life working and doing what I was told for a false sense or security, a lie, and a deception.

I remember when I was a member and I would see someone who had been disfellowshipped, I always would smile at them and say 'hi' acknowledging them. I wasn't 'suppose' to according to the organization but I couldn't go along with that. It felt inhumane, if felt cruel, and demeaning. Was I better than that person?

Was I more righteous or more 'spiritual' by looking upon them with disdain? Hardly!

I haven't mentioned until now that one of my brother's and his wife and six children are all Jehovah's Witnesses. Well, you can imagine what that means! I have been informed that I am not to call their house or contact them as I am an 'apostate'. I am forbidden to share in any of their children's lives, weddings, childbirths, and even a funeral if anything should happen. Can you imagine? My own family not allowing me at my own relations funeral? Is that loving? What does that do to me and to them? Are they better than me? Do I feel inferior? Yes, I did and have.

When I was informed of this, or how it hurt! I was very close to my brother and sister-in-law at one time. I love the children, having five nieces and one nephew through them. This is one of the most painful repercussions of leaving the organization for me. However, I knew it was a reality and I had to choose.

About two years ago, I was in the town where we raised our children, where this all took place, the disfellowshipping, my divorce, and so on. I was visiting a friend (a non-Jehovah's Witness) and I just happened to stop at a 'sisters' house that I was in the 'truth' with. My whole family and her whole family were close. We did pretty much the same things, camping, children, the whole nine yards. She answered the door and didn't recognize me since she had last seen me four years ago. When I explained whom I was, excitedly as I was so happy to see her, she shut the door in my face! Wow, that hurt! I know that this is what they are taught but I ask myself, 'why do they teach this practice of shunning and ostracizing?' I am convinced it is a form of control. If you are not able to be with your former loved ones and friends many have went back and became a Jehovah's Witness all over again. How sad as to me they are not genuine friends.

WHAT NOW?

Does it really matter what religion one is or what political affiliation one is? Aren't we all pretty much the same anyhow? Do we really think we can say; 'stop world, I want off?' We are all on this planet together. We all want to love and be loved. We are all humans in the purest sense. One of the best things I have learned from all this is to be non-judgmental. It is something I have to work at everyday as we were so programmed to judge continuously. However, practicing non-judgment is freeing and it opens you up to many opportunities to meet a variety of people from all walks of life without rejecting them.

There has been many divorces, suicides, child molestations, and alcoholics within the organization, even though it is claimed that there is not! Likewise, I was scared for myself and what I would find 'out there'.

I am happy that my fears were unfounded. I have met wonderful, very loving, giving people who are not Jehovah's Witnesses. I have met wonderful men that embrace a women's strength and honor it. I have now many wonderful friends whom I would of considered 'worldly' and 'bad association' and veered away from them. I had missed out on so much in life. Life is rich with taste and sounds and love that I had never known.

I wonder how many are still members like I was full of doubts but can't find their way out? Those who are afraid to lose all that they know and even whole families? I feel so much for them! I will say it is the hardest thing I ever did in my life, to leave. At such a young age to be introduced to this, it really became me and I it!
I am forty-one now as I write this. How do I explain the things I sacrificed for the religion? A career, an education, a retirement, choices, and travel. How do I make up for all that lost time?

The two most wonderful blessings of my life out of all this are my children. They are my inspiration to keep going, keep learning, keep trying. So far I have five grandchildren that are darling and I am grateful for them. What do I believe now? Sometimes it is hard to get a grip on the present. I see the atrocities and horrible happenings in the world. I do not have an answer for why these things take place or what to do about them. I have come to learn to do my part, not harming the earth as much as possible, showing love to all, to have trust that all is working out and yes I talk to the universe or God, whatever one chooses to call it. I actually feel closer to my higher self now and I know that there is eternal truth's one cannot escape from. 'What goes around comes around, things happen for a reason, trust the universe, trust the higher power, and trust yourself'.

Little did I know that all my doubts were actually my friend and that it truly does pay to listen to yourself. We are too wonderful and this earth is too perfect to think we just came here by sheer chance, of course, I do not know the answers still but that's okay. I am out of the 'pumpkin shell' and free, I am free! I am truly happy to say that I can now have questions even though I may not know the answers.

What could be more rewarding then feeling a warm hand in your hand, observing a young child laughing and giggling, a beautiful sunset, the green trees swaying in the wind? I believe that nature truly brings solace in all things!

THE TRUTH SHALL SET YOU FREE!

email Sue

The marriage to my first husband ended up being one of the biggest mistakes of my life (just short of getting baptized for the wrong reasons).  When I got to California my parents got in touch with the local congregation and had them contact me immediately.  Funny, I was 3,000 miles away from my parents and I still felt so obligated to please them.  I went to the meetings, though not as regular as I should, I was pregnant almost immediately after I got married.  My Husband, was very abusive though, not because of the meetings, just because I guess we were young and that was his background.  Eventually his abuse got so bad he took it out on my 2 year old son.  After that happened I high tailed it home to my mom and dad.  The elders there "encouraged" me to go home and work it out with my husband.  In this case I did not have "scriptural" grounds to divorce. So I did what I was told and went home to the husband.  When I got home he promised me he had received counseling and that would never happen again.  He stayed true to his word and never hit my son or daughter again.  But he did decide he could hit me and do whatever he wanted to including rape.    I quit going to the kingdom hall because I was very depressed about where I was in my life.  I finally left my ex-husband.  But still very depressed from it.  My father told me to call the elders, they could help me is what he said.  So as obedient as ever I picked up the phone and asked for a meeting with them.  They told me in this meeting my husband had told them I was committing adultery (which wasn't true) and they needed to investigate this.  He wasn't even a witness.   I couldn't believe it! So I told them my story of abuse and rape.. And this was their comment to me and I will remember it for as long as I live  "You are married, you can not be raped by your mate, and what are you doing that provokes him to hit you?"  I was in shock and didn't know what to say.  They counseled me on how to be a better wife, prayed and dismissed me.  About 2 weeks later I moved home to my mom and dad for help with the kids.  My husband filed for divorce.  By the way he was living with his girlfriend at the time.

I did not go to the KH for a while.  Then the rules set in, I was living under my parents roof therefore I would be at the KH.  So not having anywhere to go and trying to support 2 small children I did what they told me.  This went on for several years. But I was back to my "Double life"  even at a legal age I was afraid of disappointing my parents.

5 years later I met my now husband Dave.  He lived up north and me in Tennessee.  How was I going to marry another unbeliever?  I mean according to the elders and parents my first marriage was a prime example you shouldn't marry out of the "truth". So true to form, I made up a lie on why I was moving up north.  I couldn't bare the look of disappointment on my dad's face.  

About this time I was questioning the validity of "the truth" so much and a friend was telling me all about Ray Franz and how the end of the world had been predicted by the Society and they kept changing it and now they just deny it completely.  So I started researching trying to understand this stuff I was hearing.  I was five when you left the Organization Randy so figure in '98 how hard it was finding the materials you talked about that had all this proof.  They had discontinued use of the Aid Book even.  It wasn't even in the Kingdom Hall Library.  But it was keeping me up at nights the stuff I was reading on the internet.  I was so confused and really upset.  I called you about 6 years ago and said "I think I am leaving, what do I do?  Do I go to Church?  Do I start celebrating Christmas?  Once I leave what do I do?"  You would think it would be so simple to make the decision.  It's not.

Randy you gave me the best advice.  You told me to take my time read the bible for myself not to ask a religion to explain it to me.  I didn't take your advice.  I figured if I was going to do it I had to do it full force.  So when I moved up north I found a church and jumped right into the holidays. My plan was just to ignore the religion and it would just go away, well ummm let's just say that didn't happen.  My dad who is an elder,  who had been removed a couple of times before because of my unbefitting conduct, called the congregation here and had them in touch with me immediately....I had not even finished unpacking and these people were calling me.   I still just tried to avoid them, then it came out that I was living with Dave (my husband now).  My dad again called the elders to have them set up a meeting with me, I got really upset by this and ended up telling the elders they would just have to disfellowship me because I was not meeting with them. I wasn't one who really cared about the announcement.  But I also was not in a town where anybody new me. Shortly after that I learned I was pregnant but I was in the midst of a miscarriage.  I couldn't even call my mother for comfort.  But life went on.  Of course it went on with a sincere hate for God and the Jehovah's Witnesses.

Okay skip ahead 4 years.  I had a baby boy :) and he ended up being pretty sick he had a chronic lung disorder but no body could tell me what it was or if it was fatal.  I ended up having a conversation with a lady that helped me to see that religion isn't accepting Jesus.  Your words came back to me that night.  Long story short, she prayed with me that night and I asked Jesus into my heart.  My life has never been the same.  My son has grown out of this lung disorder and is perfectly healthy.  I don't concern myself with what has been lost between me and my family.  I have found a church that I am very comfortable in and I do not feel as if I am being forced to proclaim a religion.

Today I am happily married, with 3 Children.  I train my children to have a love for god and they are really good kids.  Imagine that, they aren't JW's and they really are good kids!  It still hurts that my parents don't talk to me.  But I know that they will be forgiven for that, because that is what God is about Forgiveness not condemnation.  

Audra