| Growing Up As A Gay Jehovah's Witness |
| Friday, 09 March 2007 00:00 |
 I feel the need to express how I feel and felt about my life as a gay man. I was brought up from birth as a Jehovah’s Witness. This has played a major part in my life and it has been a real struggle to get past.
I remember when I was really young, feeling strange whenever I would see a man without a shirt on. I used to get really giggly and flustered. Picking up little crush’s for some men I didn’t understand that I was gay. As the years went on I continued to have these feelings and as I got into high school they started getting stronger. At this stage I started to realise what I was considered by society and the boy that was once bright and open and very talkative ceased to exist and I replaced it with shyness, quietness and sadness. I had also started experimenting with masturbation, to me I think it started off harmless enough, not realising at first that what I was doing wasn’t accepted by Jehovah’s people or Jehovah. Finally realising that I had a problem (A problem considered by Jehovah’s Witnesses but normal by society and for most teenagers) with masturbation I desperately tried to stop. I would feel so guilty for doing the act and for the things I was thinking during. Afterwards I would plunge into massive depression and guilt. I felt that if I was redeemable in the slightest to Jehovah I had wrecked my chances of that by sinning so badly. I felt totally disgusting, I had no self worth. Many times I had thought out how I was going to kill myself. I would often be crumpled on my bedroom floor behind my closed door and cry my eyes out till I fell asleep. I would beg Jehovah to help me, I was so scared that he didn’t approve of me. But Jehovah never answered my prayers which made me feel worse, to me it was proof that I was disgusting in his eyes. I can’t tell you how that can make you feel, I was never, not even from birth, worthy. Mum used to worry about me a lot, I learnt to cry when she had gone out so as not to concern her anymore than she was. She thought that I was upset because I had no friends, she didn’t realise that was a result from me withdrawing myself from people. Not even understanding myself at the time fully what would have happened had I been my real self in front of people. (Witnesses) To me telling people how I felt and that I was gay was never an option, I couldn’t have been further from the idea of reaching out for help about it. As far as I had been taught about such things, I was beyond help. I was simply waiting for Jehovah to destroy me at Armageddon. At that stage I think I started to decide that I had nothing to lose, so I started doing my best as far as becoming a servant of Jehovah. It was difficult to say the least. Being a single parent child isn’t the easiest thing to be at the Kingdom Hall. Putting my best effort in I would regularly go out on field service after becoming an Unbaptised Publisher, I would pre-study my watchtower for the Sunday meetings and we were nearly always in attendance. I would prepare for the book study. And would answer up and take notes during meetings. But despite doing all of this on and off up till the age of about 19 Jehovah still didn’t answer my prayers. Things were becoming tight for Mum and myself monetary wise and we didn’t get a lot of support from the brothers and sisters. Despite Mum being a regular pioneer and me reaching out for more responsibilities we felt very alone, we were never invited out with other brother and sisters. I remember many a time mum and I would cry ourselves sick holding each other asking why we were not being helped, what were we doing wrong ? I remember there being a specific talk being given about Jehovah’s blessing not being given to those that are sinning. I remember it being said that Jehovah doesn’t even hear your prayers because of your sinful state. At that point I came to the realisation that my inner feelings for other men was the cause of our lack of blessings. I felt completely blood guilty that mum and my punishment was all because of me. After all of that effort I still felt disgusting in Jehovah’s eyes. How could I live with myself ? I was constantly fearful that Armageddon was almost here. At this stage I dropped off from my meeting attendance, no pre-study, no prayer … nothing. Feeling as though I was already condemned by Jehovah and his people, I no longer saw the point in actually breaking my back for Jehovah, why would I serve a person that would condemn me for not having a choice in this stinking life I was given ? So there I was, I had no friends, I had no life, I was useless to everyone. Even having come this far I was still not even thinking about coming out of the closet. I never thought I would ever be accepted for who I am. Being isolated the way I was kept me from knowing that gay people are widely accepted as part of society here in Australia. Eventually in the lead up to my ‘coming out’ I started to become very sick. I was never hungry so I never ate, I felt as if I had the worst flu. I was sick like this for I think about 9 weeks, it was continually getting worse. Mum had to make me drink meal replacement drinks just to basically keep me alive. Doing nothing but crying and sleeping the days became darker and darker for me. I had started thinking that I might be dead soon and how that wouldn’t be such a bad thing. My mum was desperately worried about me and forced me to go to the doctor once more. The doctor finally diagnosed me with extremely aggressive depression and I was prescribed antidepressants. To me saying I was depressed didn’t seem to click with the way I was feeling. I actually physically felt sick, I felt like I was dying. Not realising that after a life time of suppression and feeling like I’m waiting for my death sentence that depression could make me feel any physical problem under the sun. Not long after I was diagnosed with depression we were waiting at home for a visit from the elders. Mum was so desperate with how sick I was she rang one of the elders she felt closest with and as soon as he got on the phone mum broke down and pleaded with him to come and see me, she was so choked up with tears on the phone she could barely speak. To see mum like that was unbearable for me. I was laid on the couch, I couldn’t move from exhaustion. I remember that it was getting dark outside and the lights weren’t on in the lounge room. Mum sat down after getting off the phone and pleaded with me, was there anything she could do. With tears constantly welling in my eyes I told her there wasn’t. I told her that I can’t fight anymore, I feel I just need to let go. The room went silent, I could see mums face dimly lite from the street lights. And then she said it - “Is there anything your not telling me?” My brain went straight to my being gay but I stayed silent. She pleaded with me and asked again .. more forcefully. I said to her there was something but I didn’t want to tell her. She asked me why. I said that I couldn’t say. She pleaded again. “Mum, if I told you, I’m scared you wouldn’t be able to accept me.” I managed to force out. She went very quiet for a while. The quietness was agonising, I knew that I had given her to much information already, she had to realise now that I am gay. Finally she said that no matter what it was that I was hiding she loved me and was worried that if I didn’t stop hiding ‘it’ I would get sicker. I stayed silent. Mum finally said “Are you the same as the guy in the Pet Shop Boys?” She had often heard me listening to a few PSB’s albums that I had, I guess it was my only gay expression I was able. I don’t think she wanted to say the ‘gay’ word. All I said was “Mum!” in a way that told her “Please stop!” I guess she was really determined though, she came out with it … “Are you gay?” Having no fight left in me, physically weak, mentally extinguished and emotionally dead I managed the word yes. I felt like I was falling into the deepest endless pit of blackness and I was on the edge of passing out I began to weep for my death. Mum assured me that she loves me and wants me to become well again. Looking back I remember saying to her after that, that she was only saying that because I was sick and I knew she couldn’t accept who I was. She denied it and I think she believed it to. About half an hour after coming out to mum the elders arrived. I must have looked a pitiable site because they seemed completely moved as soon as they saw me. They said a few encouraging things about Jehovah loving me which I knew wasn’t true. Mum asked me in front of them if I wanted to tell them what I had just told her. I said I didn’t and mum asked if she wanted her to tell them. I just started weeping again. Mum told the elders that I was gay and they told me that Jehovah loved me no matter what and that he wants me to get better. I started to bawl my eyes out. They started to pray for me and I couldn’t keep conscious any longer, I passed out. It's so hard making that step .. my body forced me to come out .. I’d had a nervous break down. This secret had to come out. Days afterwards I still wasn’t any better, mum called the locum to come and visit me. When he arrived he doctor he spoke to me quite a bit and told me that I needed to go to hospital immediately, it almost felt like he picked me up and carried me in his arms there. I actually don’t remember how I got to hospital but I was admitted to the mental problems ward in Charles Gardener Hospital. I started slowly getting better after that. One of the nurses on the ward was gay and came and spoke to me one night I was crying, he spoke about being gay and that he was gay, that everything would be alright. I remember hating him because I still believed that being gay was wrong and he was telling me to be open about my sexuality. It was so confronting and I fought against it with all my will. What an idiot I was. For those that haven’t been brought up from birth in a religion such as Jehovah’s Witnesses it might be very difficult to understand the way I felt. Anyways I continually got better and better, I started to gain weight again after dropping down to 49kgs. I went home from the hospital a few weeks afterwards and started my recovery at home. So what happened after I got better ? Well hell started to break loose didn’t it ? Many Witnesses said they accepted me for who I was. But what that meant for most of them was "I will tolerate you but you have to change your thinking." The elders came and saw me again a couple of times with a completely different attitude to the night I came out. You see it wasn’t good enough for me to simply not talk about being gay, I actually was told that I had to work on not thinking gay. I couldn't work out how to do that, I had always been the same. One brother actually asked me “If you were to look at pornographic material of a girl would it arouse me?” Of course I said no .. and then he asked the same thing about seeing a man the same way and I said yes it would arouse me. He looked completely disgusted. This kind of thing seemed the theme of their visits. So as far as I was concerned .. enough was enough. People who said they would help me only ended up stabbing me in the back. Soon the entire congregation knew my sexuality. So I stopped having anything to do with Jehovah’s Witnesses. After I had got better I had began to realise that life was very different than Jehovah’s Witnesses say it is. I started learning a new way of life and started healing myself. I think though I will continue to heal myself for a very long time from now. I guess me writing this is all part of the healing process. It took me till the age of 21 to finally come out, I have found the man I love and adore and he treats me so well. I am very happy for the place I stand at this point in time. It hasn’t been easy to write this and I have been crying for most of the time I have been typing it. There isn’t anything left to say except I wish I didn’t have to go through all of this to get where I am today.
Hits: 4578 Trackback(0)
Comments (51)
  written by Adrian , May 11, 2009 Email me. Im in a similar situation... report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +5
 written by Javi , May 23, 2009 I'm so glad that you found peace with yourself. Maybe you have some words of wisdom for me? My partner of 5 years had now ended his relationship with me because of his desire to regain his acceptance Of Jehovah. He states he loves me very much but our relationship will cost him his salvation. I am not of the same Religion Background so this is so hard for me to understand. Is this a lost cause for me (us). Note: he's having struggles with his decision but it seem that his new devotion to the Jehovah Witnesses is winning. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Tim , July 22, 2009 its hard, even among our friends and lovers, they try... but never can understand what it was like report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by jake , July 27, 2009 hey same is happening but im 13 i dnt kno wat to do im attracted to a guy in the same relegion please help report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Todd , July 31, 2009 Please e-mail me, I'm in the same boat and it's sinking fast!!! report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Mark , August 06, 2009 Well, I too have gone through the same experiences listed above. I fell for a young man who was also a witness. We shared a house and put up a good front for about 9 years. One day, he said that he could no longer chance someone finding out and that he would be starting to date girls. I was crushed. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and placed on medication. That happened 5 years ago. Between then and now, my sister came out. She was disfellowshipped for being gay. I felt I could never tell my family that I too am gay. I decided to look up some old friends shortly after my partner left me. In doing so, I called up a friend I had known since 7th grade. Little did I know that the best friends make better partners. We decided to go away one weekend. My father was watching the house. Through a series of events, he came across some hidden items that made it very clear that I had a relationship with my former housemate. I have since been disfellowshipped. My family communicates with me only when necessary. Everyone I grew up with has pretty much discarded me. I have to say, however, I have made my own family with the people that support me every day. While the whole experience was the single most difficult thing I have ever had to go through, I admit, I am happier now that I ever have been. I still struggle with the fact that I have left "the truth" behind. Being a witness is all I knew for the first 33 years of my life. I still adhere to all of the other restrictions strangely enough. I guess what I am trying to say is, the Witnesses will NOT understand your situation. They will be kind, "accept" you, and allow you to stay as long as you don't act on your feelings. That can be an extremely loney existence. You obviously won't be attracted to the "sisters" and you won't be allowed to forge close friendships with the "brothers" since "things could happen." During my judicial committee meeting, I was told that I would need to change my mannerisms, the way I dressed and the way I thought. If i did those things, who would I be? As hard as it is right now, things do get better. Stay strong, surround yourself with people who will support you in your decision to either stay a witness if that is what you want. Or find others who will help you leave. This is not something you can do alone. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +6
 written by Joseph , September 27, 2009 I am a inactive witness. I still believe in the goodness of Jehovah and strongly believe that he will forgive me. I consider myself to be a bi-sexual male. All I want is to find true love whether with a woman or man. I believe the witness have forgotten to follow in Jesus' footstep. Wasn't he sent to earth to help those that were lost. Didn't he hang out with leapers and harlots? He wasn't spending most of his time with the ones that were on the right path, but those who needed his help and understanding. I think that if God is love and we should love everyone and not just those who think like us. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +2
 written by Jess , September 30, 2009 Hello fellow ex-JW, You are wonderful the way you are. I love you even though we are strangers far apart. Please trust me when I say this, I KNOW YOUR PAIN. Please know that Jehovah and Jesus still loves you. Only Satan will make you think you are dirty and unwanted. Only Satan will want your relationships with Jehovah and the people around you go to ruins. Think. Please think for once, would Jehovah want you to feel miserable? NO, he doesn't. Being Gay is OKAY. So please read more, and let me give you light and hope again. G...A...Y... G-od A-ccept Y-OU. I am now 30 yrs old, and I have found a church in Dallas, Tx called Crossroads (www.crossroadscommunitychurch.us). Through this church, I have re-learned and found versus in the bible that states it's okay to be gay and to love Jehovah. This church has college educated theologists and Hebrew readers who will let you know the ABSOLUTE TRUTHS, and that Jesus loves all. Right now, I have happiness in my life and I feel alive and whole, because I know God loves me. I am in a committed god-centered loving relationship. My partner and I have been active in this church, we are reaching out to all the gays who have been in exiled and shunned from churches, temples, and kingdom halls they went to. I HIGHLY suggest you to buy a DVD that talks about "The Bible and Homosexuality," by Shaw Ministries, my church is selling this. It will explain to you the truth about what the Bible REALLY says about Gays. I even encourage and challenge all conservative JW to get this DVD. Please visit the website and the choices are yours to make. TRUTH will set you FREE, lies will keep you in captivity. So PLEASE I urge you to find out the truth in the Bible. Believe me when I say understand You... I use to be JW, and I too have prayed, and prayed for Jehovah to heal me from being GAY or turn me to another gender, instead I realized Jehovah has lead me to find my true calling in this lifetime. So please brothers and sisters don't wait. I believe we are one of the last "gentiles." In the Bible, it speaks in Revelations, the last gentile that accepts Jesus, shall be the first that Jesus will takes to heaven. I would talk more about myself but time is short. Armageddon is near. I pray you happiness, I pray you love, peace, comfort, and most of all, God-blessed. Even though we are strangers far apart, but I love you no matter what are and you will remain in my heart. And if you are a conservative JW reading this, I will love you too. By you reading this, I know I have fulfilled one of my duties from Jehovah. I LOVE JEHOVAH. This why I am reaching out to you. One day I hope to see you at my church and forever in paradise or with Jesus. You have my warmest hugs, J. Ly report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: -3
 written by karl , October 03, 2009 Wow, everyone's comments have totally blown me away. Most of what was written could have been said by me. I also from birth was raised a witness, and even though I knew I found men attractive from the earliest age, I didn't realize I was gay till I was about 8. Once puberty hit and hormones were racing, I too went into a massive depression, like most of you, thinking, if I just try harder, and pray harder, and try to please Jehovah more (have faith the size of a mustard seed) somehow everything would come out just fine. Oh, how wrong I was. I never heard, even once in my life "you are beautiful just the way you are, no matter how that is". All I had pounded into my head was "think wrong thoughts and god will get you". I went as far as to get married, which was a living hell and ruined my 20's, what should be the most vibrant, fun, easy go lucky years of your life. My wife - may she rot in hell for all eternity - outed me to my mom and 'elder step dad'.......nothing I have ever experienced in the 22 years since, has been as difficult and as hard as admitting to the 'elders' and my step dad that I was gay. Needless to say everyone took on a 'don't ask don't tell' attitude, which suits me just fine. I didn't choose to be gay, no more than I chose to be right handed, it is what it is, and if God - Jehovah, has a problem with that, then it is his problem not mine, I feel he rejected me, not that I rejected him. If being gay is such a horror and a sin, why is it possible? If Jehovah is all loving and all knowing and all caring, then why torture people and put them through years - decades of mental hell- trying to get them to change thier most basic makeup - their sexuality - their sexual being? If someone had said when I was 5 - "there are lots of different types of people in the world, straight, gay, bi, follow the golden rule and we will love you and accept you with all our hearts", life would have been so different. All the witnesses want to do, is be narrow minded, and exclude everyone how doesn't goose step just like they do. The only good thing from my marriage, I have a beautiful daughter and now a grandson who is 1 year old, but christ I could have done that with artificial insemination with a dyke, for crying out loud. I think if any of the elders, had to go through what gay witnesses go through, they'd all have nervous break downs and no doubt end up gay and accepting them selves as gay in the end. I view it this way, 1) will the world be a better place, once I'm gone, (died) because I was part of humanity? if yes, then I did my job as a human, 2) I didn't choose to be gay any more than I choose to have a certain size foot, or ear, or eye color, or be left or right handed, I just am, always was, always will be, if the witnesses and god, can't accept that, then this is their problem, not mine. I love me, if Jehovah or the witnesses don't love me, oh well, too bad for them. I'm a good person, and my own best friend (if you follow what I'm saying) - I guess all I'm saying is you have to accept youself for who you are, untill you do that, life will be so hard, once you love your self (in a wholesome way) then you are free to love other people, regardless to their - religion, nationality, creed, sexual preferances, or anything else. And who is to say you can't love god, with your whole heart and still love men or women, or be gay? Come on.............you can be a good christian, or bhuddist, or muslim, or any religion or no religion and be gay and still be a good worthy person. I bet if you pray to god, no matter how whole souled and ask for an answer, "why am I gay".........you will never get an answer.............this is because the witnesses pound into your head you have to think, breath, live, act in one way and one way only to have any self worth........in my opinion, it just aint so...........I hoped this helped someone............ report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +2
written by karl , October 03, 2009 Jake, email me, lets chat..........karl...tsp1kxl@yahoo.com report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by karl , October 03, 2009 jake sorry, wrong email address, email me if you want to chat at kfl611@ayahoo.com report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Daniel , October 05, 2009 I'm in my last year of high school. I came out to my school and my mother in the middle of 10th grade. The elders have spoken to me and everything but for some reason they don't anymore. I know that once I leave home I will not be a Jehovahs Witness anymore. Frankly, I just dont believe in their version of a hypocritically loving God. But, the thing is that my mother knows my stance and still continues as if everythings will turn out the way she wants. She always says things like, "When you marry a good sister," and stuff like that. Is she in denial? And how can I make it clear who I am without hurting her anymore? My email is dandyfellow00@gmail.com. I would really like it if someone could help me understand why my mother is acting like this. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Richard , December 23, 2009 Hi. I am not a Jehovah Witness but do appreciate your pain. I am from am Evangelical Christian background and even though there is a gulf between areas of our belief, the struggle is none the less real. Can I therefore recommend a novel that I have just read called “The God Box” by Alex Sanchez – it is aimed at a teenage market but older people of faith will find it helpful too as they struggle to identify with their sexuality and faith. If you want further details please email me at rfreeman24@hotmail.com report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: -1
 written by Conde , December 28, 2009 There is so much of me in all you your stories. Wow!! I cant beleive I have found this site. I will not bore you all with my testmonies about growing up and how I no longer go to the Kindom Hall. But i will say this.....I have lived a good life, I have learned so much about who i am and what i want in life. One thing missing is a person who understands what i have gone through. You all seem to have the same things in common with me. I wish there were a way for us all to become friends and get to know each other and see what our simularites and differences may bring. I am a single african American male age 44. I live in Northern California. It was a challenge growing up in the religion....when I stopped attending years ago I felt lost.....I didnt have the friends.....yet I learned to have high standards, so I don't quite fit in the world. I'm sure you guys know what i mean? Right? I have hopes that some or one of you will write and i may find a friend to chat with and get to know. PS..And if more were meant to be? I am open to explore that as well. feel free to email me....don't laugh at my screen name...LTR4YA@aol.com report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Luke , January 30, 2010 Hey Josh, I just found this site and read your experience. All the way through reading it I was crying my eyes out because I can truly identify with what you went/are going through. I would dearly love you to email as I don't want to talk openly about my experience here, but it's so similar and I have no one to talk with at the moment. I think it would help if I could chat with you. Please email me if you can. I'm in the UK mate. Hope to hear from you. Luke report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Christopher Lawrence , January 31, 2010 I recently started speaking with a Jehovah's Witness because I'm curious about the Bible. We agreed that this would be an academic study because of my sexuality. Recently I started having dreams that my sexuality is wrong and that Jehova is going to smite me. This is strange, I came out when I was 15 and I have always accepted my sexuality... and I still do. The struggle I'm having is, why do I keep studying the Bible if it's just going to tell me I'm wrong. Is the Bible wrong? Is it truly inspired scripture? How do I know it wasn't just written by law-makers as opposed to people inspired by God? How do we know there really is a God? report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: -1
 written by Karen , February 04, 2010 I consider myself as a bisexual woman and though I haven't come out to anyone apart from my "worldly" friends I have felt the need to leave the organisation due to my passion for body modifications such as tattoos and body piercings. I got my lip pierced a few years ago but not before researching the Bible and the organisation's "Bible-based" publications. As a university student of law and social anthropology; and having studied Sociology, Psychology and English Literature during 6th form; I have become aware of the way in which people filter new information, namely that they use their cultural prejudices to inform their judgements. Therefore, when I approached the Bible and the organisation's publications for advice on whether Jehovah would approve of my getting my lip pierced, I came to the conclusion that he did not, so I went ahead with it, even though I knew that it would stumble some people. But you shouldn't judge your brother for eating meat just because you don't eat meat, right? How wrong I was. I got my lip pierced and all hell broke loose. My father is an elder so after every meeting, there would be a lengthy elders' meeting discussing me. On two occasions, two elders came to my house to discuss this matter with me, but they could find no Biblical sanction on my jewellery. Neither could the circuit overseer when he visited and writing to Bethel didn't help their case. They could only tell me to obey my parents and avoid stumbling my fellow brothers and sisters. I finally took it out after all the pressure made me suicidal and led me to flee to relatives living in another part of the country. My uncle is also an elder and he made sure he knew that he was on my side, but in order to promote peace in the congregation, we must obey the instructions of the faithful and discreet slave even if we disagree with it, because they too are progressively receiving the light. I obeyed, but I couldn't help yearning for a beautiful tattoo or piercing; for me, this is as part of who I am as my sexuality is and isn't a just a "lifestyle choice" or "preference". The pressure finally got too much so I left home, and stopped associating with Jehovah's Witnesses. Being inactive, people in my old congregation still try to reach out to me but I can't go back. If they knew who I really was, the love they profess to have for me will quickly evaporate. This is one of the hardest things I've had to go through. I've lost my friends (even though they don't know that they are lost to me); I've lost my God, because of the believe that has been instilled into me that the only access to Jehovah is through the Watchtower and Bible Tract Society. In order to take my mind off my problems, I've taken to drowning my sorrows with alcohol and engaging in sins that are far greater than what led me to leave the organisation in the first place. I suffer from clinical depression and can't find the mental energy to study for my degree and so my dreams and hopes for the future have been shattered. I'm a ghost of my former self and I don't know what to do. I thought I'd just tell my story.  report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +3
 written by Scott Terry , February 21, 2010 I love this story, and the subsequent comments. It's interesting that JW's aren't the only religious experience that gives gay kids such a hard time....and none of it makes sense. And it's interesting how some religious people can take that mentality and apply it to things like body piercing....go figure. Life doesn't have to be so complicated, and it seems to me that the purpose of religion should not be to complicate lives and/or denigrate its followers. I hope Josh posts an eventual follow up to this story, just so we know how he's doing. And for that matter, I hope the other people who wrote with such pain are doing better as well. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Bill , February 26, 2010 I was in a similar situation as Josh, in fact,as many of you. I felt my heart tugging as I read all your comments. I have over the past few years found some peace and peace of mind. I hope you have or will, too. It tears me up inside seeing others fighting with themselves, their families and their faith because they don't know who, if anyone, loves them. Even themselves. I've also found that the Bible isn't as concrete about homosexuality as some say it is. In fact, Jesus, the head of the Christian congregation, never once brought the topic up. Perhaps it wasn't an issue with him. Hmmm. Anyway, hit me up if you want to chat. I've only found one other person who is gay who has left the organization. Sometimes I feel alone, or in the very least, that no one quite understands what I have gone through. Even other gay people. But it would be nice to meet others. I'm at matt.2414@yahoo.com (Don't let the email address fool you; it's easy to remember after years of indoctrination. lol.) report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Aaron M Peck , March 07, 2010 Hi Josh, I'm extremely moved by your experience. I was also born and raised as a Jehovah Witness. The depth of the back stabbing of the society is always surprising to me. My self I didn't realize I was gay until later in life. When I started to masturbate as a Teen I felt bad but not as horrible as yourself. That was mainly because even though we went to all the meetings and went out in service we weren't as active in the organization. When I was growing up my parents had stopped pioneering and trying to give talks and so forth. If I grew up when my brother was born, which was 9 years before me it might have been more similar. When I started knowing I liked guys I felt ashamed and that Jehovah hated me. I felt like a drug addict, that I would hide all my gay porn more so then straight porn. I specifically had the gay porn in a multi-step area which took me at least 10 mins to access haha, it seems so strange now. Also I should point out I'm 29 now and only came out to my parents last summer. I denied my male attraction and said it was just a phase but of course it didn't. In my early 20's a finally moved out and dated a girl. I didn't date much because I liked guys, so my relationships lasted a long time. But also in my early 20's my association with the Witnesses trailed off as well. Since I was never baptized the elders didn't care too awfully much. And by this time my parents were inactive and my dad due to another reason was disfellowshipped. So when I finally came out my parents were really supportive and at ease with it. My heart really goes out to current homosexual children of Jehovah Witnesses. They have been classified as a "Cult" by many psychiatry professionals and organizations. So the effects can be amplified in our cases. Strange enough my Kingdom Hall doesn't know that I am gay. With me coming out I choose to no longer associate with them. I believe everyone can have their own opinion about being gay and trying to still be a part of the organization. I try not to air my dirty laundry about them unless asked. But if you are gay and trying to be a part I wish you all the best luck. If anyone wishes to contact me either for support or what not ampeck@mac.com also I'm in the Central Florida area. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Steve Cannon-English , March 09, 2010 All of your stories remind me so much of my own. I am 52 now and most of my family hasn't spoken to me since I was 22. That's 30 years. In those years, I got a masters in biblical studies, became an Anglican priest, married the man of my dreams (we've been together 27 years now) and have come to the conclusion that God does love me just the way I am. In her book "Mind of the Maker", Dorothy Sayers says "It is impossible for God to make something that God cannot love". God made me. I am made in God's image. I am gay. God loves me just the way I am made. I am sending prayers out for everyone here that God can reach them where they are and that God will let each of you know just how perfect and loved you are. You are important to God and your stories can help so many others, just as you have helped me today. It's awfully lonely for all of us. I felt like I was the only ex-JW who had ever gone through this and now I know I am not alone and neither are you. Grace & Peace my friends. Steve report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Jane , March 10, 2010 I found your story very touching. I just wanted to say that you being gay is not much different than if you were straight in God’s eyes because we are ALL imperfect and fall short of the glory of God. God does not hate people for what they are, because they cannot help that, but he does hate wrong actions. Notice that 1 Cor. 6:9-11 does NOT say: What! Do you not know that unrighteous persons will not inherit God’s kingdom? Do not be misled. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor men kept for unnatural purposes, and 'ESPECIALLY' men who lie with men…….. A man who has sex with another man is classed the same as a straight person having sex outside marriage. And not only that, but is classed the same as a thief, greedy person, a drunkard, reviler, idolater and extortioner. The verse goes on to say: “And yet that is what some of you were. But you have been washed clean, but you have been sanctified, but you have been declared righteous in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ and with the spirit of our God”. What does that mean? Well, those who were thieves stopped stealing, those who were drunkards stopped drinking……and so on. Do you get the point? In practice and put simply for you this would mean you became celibate. Pretty much what many straight people that want to please God are doing because they cannot find a mate. That is the issue at stake. Not your homosexuality as such. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: -3
 written by sacsmt2 , March 10, 2010 Wow again....what great comments to this story. I wonder if Josh has any idea what his story has stirred up? I love the stark contrast between Jane and Steve's positions. How amazing it is that two people can have such a strong belief in God and be polar opposites in reaching their conclusions. And for Jane...I respect your opinion and I admire your ability to explain your thought process without being hostile, but I think you are missing the point in your analysis. It's clear that you want to compare celibate heterosexuals who cannot find a mate to homosexuals who, under your analogy, must also remain celibate, but the concept that you are missing is that most human beings, homosexuals and heterosexuals alike, share a common desire to find a mate. Sexuality is not all about sex. It's about love. It's about having a dream that you might someday find a partner in life, and what you fail to mention in your comparison is that those celibate heterosexuals still have the ability to dream. They have the freedom, under your philosophy, to date and attempt to find someone to love, as long as they don't consumate that love without a marriage certificate. But the homosexuals in your analogy are not given that same ability. It is not an equal comparison, as much as you might like to make it so. You would never concede to allowing homosexuals to search for the love of their lives. Under your scenario, those homosexuals are doomed to spend their lives alone. They can't even dream about it, under your philosophy, and it's unrealistic, unfair, and unkind to expect a human being to resign themselves to such a barren existence. I think it is wonderful that Steve has found someone to love and still maintains his belief in God....perhaps God smiles when he looks down at them. Perhaps God isn't as rigid and unforgiving as some people wish him to be. He has been much more flexible over the centuries than people sometimes wish. He has changed his stance on slavery. On plural marriages. We like to think, in civilized society, that He has also changed his position on the requirement that we must kill all women who are not virgins when they marry. Perhaps He has modified his stance on this homosexual issue as well??? I would suggest that a loving God would do so. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Kitty , March 11, 2010 I am a straight current JW. I have always been ashamed of this organizations stand on homosexuality. I have never felt it is right to tell anyone else who they can love. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +3
written by Jane , March 11, 2010 sacsmt2 I agree with you that comparing a straight celibate with a homosexual celibate is not quite equal. After I wrote my post I was thinking about those things even before you wrote them. I appreciate the civil way in which you have addressed the issue as many people get very aggressive and unreasonable on these type of sites(ex-JW versus JW type of thing). I just cannot get past the scriptures which so clearly say that practicing homosexuality is bad in God's eyes. I know what you are saying, that a lot of things have changed. And also I accept that every human being has the right to be with a mate. But God definitely did create the opposite sex to be together and not same sex(sexual and/or romantic) relationships. I is obvious because a man has a penis and a woman has a vagina. Thinking about the bigger picture, it is imperfection that makes people want to be with the same sex, as God definitely did not create them with that desire in the first place. In saying this, I do not want to demean homosexuals and say they are imperfect and other people are not because obviously that is not true. It is just another type of imperfection that we inherited from Adam. Every person is warped in some way and falls short of how they were supposed to be in the beginning. I know it's easy for me to say, I am happily married, I have a mate who loves me and who I love. I just wish that there was some way JWs with homosexual feelings were able to just wait until the new system....and then their feelings would be put right, because everyone's imperfection, whatever it might be, will be put right..... report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: -1
 written by dale slazenger , March 12, 2010 Sista jane, i must say, u the best. It is so tru dat evryone is warped one way or the other. I also look forward to a time wen all our imperfections will be made perfectly rite. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: -1
 written by brook , March 12, 2010 @OP: I'm not gay but I feel your pain with not being accepted because you do not follow the JW path. I have accepted that I will live one life- this one. I will not be resurrected in the new system and may be destroyed if Armageddon comes in my life time. I figure if I am destroyed my pain can't be any worse than a person who suffers to death such a victim of war or someone with a painful disease. And if I don't get resurrected, well i won't know any different because I'm DEAD. Since this is my fate, have chosen to live my life to the fullest. I'm no hedonist but if I have one life to live then dang it, I'm gonna get the most out of it. I'm just coming to terms with how I was raised because it's not obvious like being physically or sexually abused. The mental agitation, for lack of a better word, is much more subtle. My mother was a JW. I went to live with my father at 13 and we haven't spoken since. I'm 27. I know she will never have anything to do with me unless I come back to the truth and I have learned to accept it. Thanks for sharing your story. *hugs* report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Patrick Hopchas , March 20, 2010 Even though there are differences in opinion on this board about Homosexuality, I would l still like to honor Jane for the way in which she chooses to support her perspective, it appears to be from a place of kindness. As a gay man and former associate of JWs, I appreciate this section, but I fear that others may not be as respectful as Jane has been. Obviously procreation is an important RESULT of sexuality and it insures our survival - that IS right and good. However, sexuality doesn't exist in in a vacuum, at least not for human beings. Sexuality is also about expression, passion and celebration and extends beyond the biology of making babies. For me, having been around heterosexuals all my life, I have discovered that being straight is NOT contagious - and neither is homosexuality! Mankind has the capacity for change and flexibility and if we are made in God's image, certainly these qualities must originate with Him. Scriptures aside, what may have applied during primitive times to create a nation, or set that nation apart from other cultures (i.e. Hebrews vs. all others) may have suited its purpose for the time, but is now outmoded for our times and the expanded covenant. To bring my point home, I have pasted an open letter to Dr. Laura Schlessinger related to this topic. This sharing is only meant as an opportunity to expand thinking, and is not meant to condemn or judge anyones interpretation of scripture or moral stance. For those of you who have read it, you'll understand my point, for those who haven't read it, it's certainly an interesting perspective: Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses Advice to people who call in to her radio show. Paramount Television Group is currently producing a "Dr. Laura" television show. Recently she has become a convert to Judaism and has made some statements about homosexuals that have caused the Canadian anti-hate laws to censure her. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet..... Dear Dr. Laura, Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind him that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the specific laws and how to best follow them. a) When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord (Lev. 1:9). The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? b) I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? c) I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness (Lev. 15:19-24). The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offence. d) Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? e) I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? f) A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an Abomination (Lev. 11:10), it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? g) Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? h) Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die? i) I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? j) My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them (Lev.24:10-16)? Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws (Lev. 20:14)? I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. Your devoted disciple and adoring fan. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +3
 written by Matt sydney , March 20, 2010 Wow, I can't believe I stumbled on this. Unreal! I wish I had known, when I was growing up in the truth, that there were other witness kids out there who were also wondering what on earth they were going to do about having gay feelings. Maybe I wouldn't have felt such shame and so alone. I wouldn't wish that ugly experience on anyone. Thanks Josh, for starting this. Reading your stories guys, I feel like I somehow know you. What a bizarre, screwed-up thing to have in common. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by No More Knocking , March 21, 2010 I am not gay, but I have much sympathy for the gay community. Here in the United States they are fighting for their civil rights but the religious fanatics are doing everything possible to block them. It is so unfair and so unchristian. I think all of you should try to forget what the Bible says about gays. That was written many, many years ago when they didn't understand that some people are born different. Adhering to those ancient beliefs doesn't make sense. It's like the fanatic Muslims clinging to ancient laws that called for chopping off the hands of thiefs and stoning women to death for adultery. I was a JW for 17 years before I realized I was in a dangerous cult that called for people to willingly die by refusing a blood transfusions and destroying families with their evil doctrine of shunning. Try to forget everything you learned as a JW and remember Jesus words -- do unto others as you would have them do unto you. That sums up the whole meaning of life. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +2
 written by Teboho , April 04, 2010 To Karin Karin you might want to speak to psychologist or psychiatrist. I'm writing this with you in mind because I'm also experiencing similar blocks with my studies and I just can't get done with them. I personally hate anti-depressants and their opposites but I would suggest that if your psychologist or doctor prescribes them that you alt least use them for a year ... That is long enough for you t complete your studies ... I don't know what to say to you personally except to say, I know what you’re talking about. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by matthew , April 22, 2010 I found your life experiance so sad,but i cant believe how much i am in the same posion.for the last 4 years have been soo incredible hard for me as all i wanted to do was to leave home and experiance the gay world a little bit...i knew i was gay i was 13 but until 3-4 years ago i never did any thing about it as i loved the mates i had in the congregation,and all the things the brothers and sisters did together. i never really felt that i was ever loved in my family and i often thought would it be easier to just try and act straight,i tried to act staight for 6 months but never felt that it would ever work for me. i was the same in that i often used to lie in bed and cry myself to sleep thinking how much i had to bottle up inside.i was so scared on talking to anyone in the congregation or friends at school about me being gay. because i couldnt talk to anyone about it i went into depression for two years when i was 17 and those seemed to be the longest two years of my life as i would often find that arming myself was the only way to take the pain away.it became a habit that whenever i looked at a man i used to cut myself as punishment and after a while cutting myself jst seemed to little and then moved on to thoughts of killing myself with an OD.in the second year i started to talk to a friend at school who was studing counseling. after some long tearful conversations with her i managed to overcome my depression.this time last year i had finished school and my parents wanted to send me off to college here in cambridge. one of the first things i did when i came to uk from south africa was to go on to a gay website to meet some gay guys to see what the gay world was like.my meeting attendance fell and i found my self not wanting to go to the meetings as i felt like i was one of those people you read about in the watchtowers who live a double life.it was so hard moving to a new congregation where you have no one that you can talk to about problems,not that i was going to tell anyone that i was gay but jst the thought of me being able to talk to someone was comforting to me. i found myself whenever i went to visit my sisters and their witness friends tring be all normal when really i felt so different amongest them.i have been in a relationship with someone who is so special to me and he is always there for me.but resently i have been thinking so much of tring to give up the gay life cause when i think that i wont be judged rightous in jehovahs eyes and that i will be destroyed at Armagedon leaving my family behind,it really hurts me.i miss going and having a good time with my witness friends. please if there is anyone out there that is willing to chat with me about it i would so appriciate it.thanx report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
written by Scott Terry , April 30, 2010 Hi All.....I just wanted to post a comment to notify everyone that, due to the number of comments on this topic, we have formed a new LGBT forum on Freeminds for everyone who is struggling with sexual identity, and the Kingdom Hall. The new forum is called In and Out of the Kingdom Hall Closet, and you can post stories and offer support to everyone there. Thanks so much. Scott Terry http://www.freeminds.org/lgbt-forum/ report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by Jesse Perez , May 16, 2010 My name is Jesse. I also grew up Jehovah Witness for the most part. I love these stories they are encouraging. I'm 34 years old, and barely discovered this site. I wish I had discovered this before and wish there was something like this in the late 90's when I was trying to come to terms with this. I'm okay with being gay now. So should all of you. I believe this could be the start of something great. A network connection to other gay former Jehovah's Witnesses or gay children of Jehovah's witnesses would be ideal. I live in California and would love to meet other gay people who were brought up in the faith like myself. I have dated six men unsuccessfully, and have somewhat started to believe that I would only be happy with another person brought up as a Jehovah's Witness (like myself) to be truly happy. Does anyone out there think or feel the way I do? report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by GR , May 22, 2010 TO Patrick Hopchas , March 20, 2010 : ALL of your scriptures are part of the OLD Testament. When Jesus came to earth, the laws of the NEW Testament replaced the ancient practices of the old. So no, none of those laws apply to you. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by mikey , June 16, 2010 do u know i really thought i was the only person who went through this! jehovahs witnesses granted are lovely people if you like cults who tell you who your allowed to be attracted to! yer because jehovah a god of love "suposedly" would allow you to surpress feelings you have! wat a load of shit! all they want is to controll everyone and they dont care who they mess up on the way! its crewl and discusting to make someone feel like they are wrong to like someone of the same sex! and anyone who thinks there view is ok is just as bad! report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +1
 written by k jee , July 07, 2010 so i was rasied as a JW and pioneered for 5 years and was an MS for 4 years. I took the foreign language class in spanish and switched soon after. I have many similarities to this experience and many of yours. I stopped attending meetings about 6 months ago without any explanation. The elders have been trying to contact me alot - my JW 'friends' are noticing that I'm not associating with them much. I have a few gay friends - been trying to build up a close knit friend group before i came out they're mostly worldy but i've also come in contact with 3 men who were raised JW and have come out or are coming out and one youngin who's not sure how he's gonna come out. I'm thankful for all of them. The elders in my spanish congregation just contacted my parents this last weekend to tell them that i haven't been attending meetings or been to the assemblies or the convention this year.... My mom called last night to see what is going on...and i froze and couldn't say anything. She made me promise to come over tonight to talk with her and my dad about what i'm doing and how they can help me. I guess i'll be coming out tonight....i know jw's don't believe in luck but please wish it for me anyways. I'll let y'all know how it goes. thanks for all your experiences and comments you've given me courage. - k.m.j portland, OR jee.topher@ymail.com p.s. my brother texted me today to say that he heard that i was going to talk to our parents....and that they and him would love me no matter what. I'm not sure if he has any idea what I'll be telling them soon...but here's hoping he's right report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
written by Scott Terry , July 13, 2010 Hey K. J.......how did it go? We're all on pins and needles here, wondering how things went...... report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Jesse , July 17, 2010 I've started taking the easy route and it's working out great for me. I'm figuring out that life is all about the journey and I no longer believe anyone who wants me to take a narrow cramped road when there is a 16 lane highway of joy at the next turn. If you can't love yourself how in the he11 are you going to love somebody else? - RuPaul report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
written by Scott Terry , July 18, 2010 Hey Jesse.....have you found the group A Common Bond yet? You said you live in California, and ACB has a large chapter in the Bay Area that you might enjoy socializing with. The link is http://www.gayxjw.org/content....ommon_Bond Also, there are several groups on Facebook devoted to gay exjw's....You can find me there as well. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Christopher Munuc , July 23, 2010 I hope my words may be of some encouragement to some of you writing here, especially those battling depression and fear. You need to be open and honest with yourself in order to move forward in accepting your sexual orientation. By 'open' I mean you need to consider perspectives other than the ones you have been brought up to accept, almost without questioning. Although it may not seem like it now, especially if all you've known is 'The Truth', there is a whole world of reason and hope to explore and gain comfort from. Jehovah's Witnesses are just a small, insular group of people who cannot rightfully claim, as they insist, that they are the sole custodians of truth. Just think: is it really reasonable to consider that millions of intelligent people are all mislead? Have you never, even once, thought that there is a certain amount of arrogance in the notion of 'The Truth'. It is difficult, especially when your loved ones and friends are Witnesses, to challenge the assumptions that you confront every day as a member of this religion. This was something in the end that I was moved to do. It wasn't an overnight thing, but eventually I realized that being gay wasn't a crime against God, nor a sin, nor unnatural, nor perverted. In case you are wondering: I was a married elder and a pioneer, and at times I believed I had a very close relationship with someone I believed was my Heavenly Father. I even remember my last prayer telling Jehovah that I couldn't worship him anymore. As the years have passed (it has been about eleven years since I left the JWs), I've learned to think more for myself, to test what I believe and don't believe. I now understand that 'Jehovah' was almost like an imagined friend, someone I needed to fill all the emotional gaps in my life. I have also learned to accept the responsibility for both good and bad decisions that I make. This attitude of mind has made me less judgemental about others and certainly about myself. I live as an openly gay man. I no longer want to be that 'real' man that was forced, both overtly and subliminally (think of all the pictures of happy, heterosexual father figures), into my conscience by a group of men who see themselves as God's spokesman. I have had a very supportive partner for almost ten years (who still though doesn't quite GET Jehovah's Witnesses - who can blame him?), and though life is not perfect, it is happier, more settled, less anguished and tortured, and far more rewarding. I didn't want to emphasize the mental struggles about being gay - all that self-loathing and disgust - but rather I wanted to suggest to some of you having such a terrible time that maybe the first thing to do is question the fundamentals of your belief system. From that you may be able to grow, and gain the strength from inside yourself to free yourself from all that anguish. Love and best wishes to you all, Chris report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
written by Scott Terry , July 23, 2010 Fantastic comment, Chris. I agree wholeheartedly. Thanks for writing. Scott report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by oli , July 25, 2010 i totally agree with matt from sydney! Im 23 and came out when i was 21 after being brought up as a JW. It would have been cool to read all your experiences about coming out before i did, suppose i felt i was the only one going through this! it was a good read! im in the uk and if there are any guys going through the same thing and wanna chat then email me! gblad87@hotmail.co.uk lol dont worry im no freak, iv got a bf and we really happy but support for others is always needed. oli report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by ANGEL , July 26, 2010 wow. this story made me cry, mostly because im qoinq thru the same thinq  , and the bad part is that im only 14, ihave a LONG way to qo and i raise as a JW but so were my mom and my aunts, so if i ever come out i think i miqht kill my self because of how horrible they would make me feel and not only that but their are 8 qrandchildren (includin me) and their are only 2 left me and my cousin but everyone considers me "more spiritual". If only the KNEW that i am Gay, idk what to do i fear the armaqqedon comin and me beinq destroyed. I've prayed MANY times and have beqqed qod to answer my questions in the meetinqs for the past 4 years and nothinq . I just wish I could happily have a boyfriend in the conqreqation and preach and qive parts and pre-study the watchtower and bible study and everythinq ! but i quess that wont ever be possible i just dont understand WHY if Jehovah KNOWS how we feel report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
written by Chris , July 26, 2010 Try not to be overwhelmed by your situation. Perhaps you need to keep a few things in mind: First, your faith/belief is personal; you don't owe it to anyone, no matter how much you love them, to follow a particular form of religion. Make sure it is you yourself who believes the teachings you are learning, and that you are not trying to please others first. Second, don't second guess how your mom and others will respond if you do make the decision to come out. Though they may be shocked, they may also find a way to come to terms with what you tell them. And, as you can see from this forum, there are many people who understand what you are going through. You are never alone. You seem a very sincere person. That should tell you something about your sexual feelings/orientation. You cannot alter these; they are part of your unique make-up. You will find a way to communicate this to those people in your life that matter. Sometimes, though, being gay and not out about it seems the hugest thing in one's life, something too difficult to overcome. But we are all more than gay, or straight, or bisexual (or any other label). We have many qualities that form our whole person. If it helps, try to think about who you are as a whole, including all your good qualities. Perhaps that may help you to face any tough times ahead by keeping things in perspective. I hope these few words offer you some encouragement. Chris report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
written by Scott Terry , July 26, 2010 Hey Angel.....I'm glad you found this site. I'm the moderator, and hopefully you find some comfort in reading other people's stories. First of all, you gotta promise to not consider suicide when you're feeling troubled. Almost all of us who post on this site have been through what you're having trouble with, although not everyone felt suicidal. Hopefully you were just using that word to describe your conflict, but not in a literal way. In any case, I hope you've read the other stories/blogs on Freeminds from people who are gay. You'll find that you aren't alone. It's a struggle to come to grips with you are when you have a religion like the Witnesses preaching intolerance. Please make sure that you visit the In And Out of the Kingdom Hall Closet forum that is posted on this site as well. And you might find some similarities in my history, which is on my blog on this site. I predict that eventually you will come out of the closet, and come out of the Kingdom Hall, and find that life is so much better once you do. You'll find that to be a recurring theme in the posts on this topic. But in the meantime, realize that you are only 14. You have a long life ahead of you, and you'll find your way...but Armageddon is not going to solve it for you. Take care of yourself, and let us know how you're doing. You can also email me directly if you wish. Thanks for writing....Scott report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Shwn , August 11, 2010 I just came across this article from doing a search. Shame I didn't read it three years ago when it was posted. I am in a similar situation. I have been a gay inactive JW for several years now, and all my family are JW's. We are a closely nit family financially and spiritually, but sex is like a taboo subject around them. I have tried so hard to distance myself from them and love them from afar (when I had employment), but after finding no employment, having a degree and still no work in our horrid economy, I have been forced to move back in with family members all pressuring me be like they are, as they continuously say, "come back to the truth". I so love God but I do not buy into their idealism of how God views gays, nor do I want to be apart of the organization. I want to live on my own with accepting loving people in my life of which I have none. Living with them has made it difficult for me to find independence these days, yet alone find anyone to date, or be-friend since I am always surrounded by JW's. I live far away from the more gay embraced metro areas of the State so its very difficult for me to venture out and find support. I recently applied for food stamps and am depending on my JW mother who I am closed to for support. Its agonizing each day to suppress a way of life that I want to embrace but can't because if I do , I could end up homeless, without shelter and without financial support and could spiral down even further into a depression like this guy who wrote this article. The only gay expression I currently have is the internet and a distant friend I rarely ever speak with ,who is too self absorbed and too naive to understand and relate to my situation. I am not sure who would read this, it being such an old article post. All I can say is, to the moderators... thanks for sharing this story and keeping it posted. They are still many of us out here who still need support and run into articles like these which make us feel a little less lonely inside. report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by Michael Chapuis , August 12, 2010 I was born and raised as a JW. My whole family is JW. My dad is an elder. Iam a french straight male and was disfellowshipped 18 years ago for fornication. Iam 39 now. All the stories I read so far on this site just broke my heart. I faced the same mental torture for many years because I started masturbating at an young age...i of course can't fully relate to the pain and anguish most of you have felt or still feel today but I would like to tell you that there is a way out of it. An illogical premise will never lead to a logical conclusion. God cannot judge you or condemn you for something you haven't chosen for yourself. This is complete nonsense. Noone chooses to be gay, or straight, or black, or white, or tall, or short... I believe that we all come into this world to fulfill a unique destiny. We are all different, with distincts taste, needs, physical and intellectual habilities etc...and a religion that negates and stiffles all these cannot be "the truth". this is the epiphany I had 18 years ago. One day I just asked myself "what if"? What if everything I have been taught wasn't true? There are only 6 or 7 million JW in the world...what about the other 6 billion people ? Are the doomed because they don't go to the Kingdom Hall? God cannot possibly have created humanity just to "save" a handful of people... Iam now an IFA priest (babalawo) and IFA religion, which by the precedes christianity, can be summed up by these simple words. CHARACTER IS RELIGION & CHARACTER IS DESTINY. This is all that matters to the eyes of God. Spread goodness into the world. I learned that logic and study of world report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
written by k jee , August 18, 2010 so i had posted last month that i was going to come out to my parents.... so i went to their house. we sat down they asked what was going on - i first eased their minds let them know that no one was pregnant, wasn't doing drugs or anything like that....they asked why my elder had to them that I wasn't at meetings anymore. I told them that i didn't feel comfortable and that i had really only been active (ms, foregin language, reg. pioneer) not for myself but for my family and 'friends' and too distract me. they said 'something has to be making you feel uncomfortable....they asked a couple questions and then asked i was gay. I told them yes. fortunately they didn't freak out! my dad said he wanted me to be as happy as i could be in this system....my mom took it a little harder. she said that if i choose this life that it would only be filled with diseases and eventually death. I wasn't ready to tell them 'everything'....because i'm not ready for the disfellowshipping issue...i felt this was already a big enough step for now. i told them i was still trying to figure things out. they want me to go to meetings maybe with them...or my brother. they want me to study and talk to my elders. overall it went well - they didn't kick me out or disown me or scream at me like many stories i've heard about other comer outers. the next day my brother texted me and made arrangements to get dinner. i told him what happened with ma/pa...and he loves me and supports me no matter what. i think that it has even brought us closer. a couple days later my other brother called me to see how i was and mentioned that mom had said that i wasn't doing well...i told him that i had come out to our parents...he said it was a suprise but that he loves me and is there for me no matter what. he even mentioned that he wished he knew how i felt so that he could better understand. him and his wife have come to visit me and are both very supportive and loving and joking around with me. i still feel on edge...especially since i know so many witnesses in the area in many congregations and language groups. i'm constantly nervous about running into them...or what to say if they see me out with friends that they can tell are 'worldly' - but at least a great relief has been lifted having told my family. i would like to tell a couple of my closer jw friends soon...not sure how they'll react...but i'm preparing myself to lose them but hopefully i won't. thanks for reading. thanks for the support. hope your experiences go well. - kmj jee.topher@ymail.com report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
 written by B , September 07, 2010 I was brought up as a JW until about the same time... This was so hard because I too had to grow up thinking the same things. I wish I knew I wasn't the only one. This has pushed me away from JW and makes me sad because I would love to be closer to J. Please email me so I can have someone to talk to about this issue. intuned@blazingimage.net THNX. I am so glad I found this and wish this was around long ago! report abuse
vote down
vote up
Votes: +0
Write comment
|
TrackBack URI for this entry
Subscribe to this comment's feed