| Should I Divorce My Jehovah's Witness Mate? |
| Written by Randall Watters |
| Thursday, 12 March 2009 14:08 |
 One of the more difficult issues facing a divided household where one of the marriage partners is a Jehovah's Witness is the subject of divorce. Child custody issues often follow. Even the Watchtower Society acknowledges the increase in court appearances on family issues involving a non-Witness mate. The Awake! of 9/22/92, p. 11 says,One court to which some of Jehovah's Witnesses have increasingly been delivered is the family court. In Austria, Belgium, Canada, France, Norway, the United States and other countries, a small group of opposers have tried to make religion the key issue in determining child custody issues when faithful Witnesses of Jehovah are divorced by unbelieving mates. Just because they were Jehovah's Witnesses, Witness parents have lost custody of their children. The truth of the matter is that religion really IS the key issue in most of these divorce and custody cases. Why so? The reasons a non-Witness mate of a JW seeks divorce are: (1) The children are being forced to go to the Kingdom Hall and/or out in the door-to-door work, (2) The children are taught that mommy/daddy is going to be destroyed at Armageddon for their lack of love for God, (3) The Witness spouse is emotionally/physically unresponsive to the non-JW mate, even going so far as to say they are "spiritual enemies" (very common), (4) Both partners are JWs and then one leaves the organization, often because they discover it is a cult. The other views them as an "apostate," unworthy of respect and attention. While there are other reasons, these appear to be the most common. It is easy for us to practice armchair counseling when it comes to these matters, giving pat answers to those who have been suffering over this issue for perhaps years already. It would be better to empathize with the person, feeling their struggle, before attempting to give advice in the matter. Let's look at these reasons listed above one by one. (1) Typically, the husband is the JW and insists on the kids going to the Hall, while the wife is home or goes to church. Sometimes the wife gets equal time in taking the kids to church, though this arrangement usually doesn't last long. Since the weekly messages given at the Kingdom Hall are quite antagonistic towards churches, the kids get confused and resist going to any religious services or side with the "rebel" cause (the Watchtower) against the established churches. Siding with dad may have more advantages than siding with mom, as well. Mom begins to wonder if divorce and obtaining custody of the children is the lesser of two evils, at least to prevent the children from losing out on life, if not for her own sanity. (2) What can be worse for mommy (or daddy) than her own children drawing away from her, because she is evil? Children are generally not capable of understanding the subtleties of such a complex situation, and tend to see things as black and white. The Witness father promotes such a view as well, implying the mother is morally corrupt. The emotional pressure on the mother becomes too great to bear, and she must make a choice. (3) I know of a couple who have been married for over 20 years where the husband is a Christian and the wife is a JW, and they manage to get along. Yet, the wife has plainly stated that her husband is her "spiritual enemy." How many people can be expected to live for years under such circumstances? Could you? What if the JW cut off their affections, sexual interest and attention from the non-Witness mate? Could you survive? (4) When one mate leaves the JWs and the other doesn't can be the most difficult situation of all, since the WT attacks such ones as apostates and fighters against God. There is no "honorable" way out of the WT in their eyes, so such a one is automatically evil for "leaving Jehovah." If you viewed your mate as "evil," how normal would your relationship with him/her be? So whether the Watchtower likes it or not, the issue is indeed a religious one in most cases. Due to their extreme position regarding outsiders, divorce is often unavoidable. Should you divorce your JW mate? Only you can make such a difficult decision. If the situation is tolerable to you, and you love your mate, the words of Paul may apply, "For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?" 1 Cor. 7:16. Este artículo está también disponible en español: http://www.freeminds.org/languages/spanish/¿deberia-divorciarme-de-mi-conyuge-testigo-de-jehova.html
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Comments (39)
  written by Lyn , May 10, 2009 I am dealing with a spouse who is studying to be a JW and I am NOT. Nor will I EVER be. I have views of divorce proceedings in my head because he will not let me live in peace. Almost every day turns into some type of bible study. Constant reminders of "the end" are given. Just yesterday he informed me that I can no longer say "God Bless You" when he sneezes. I wanted to knock the aire of superiority out of his head when he told me that. Ohh by the way, I forgot to mention he is a raving alcoholic and tobacco user. That's what is keeping him from becoming baptized. Luckily, we do not have children and I have decided when he started this that I will NEVER have his children as long as he is in this belief system. (Well and as long as he's drinking the way he is.) But I don't have to worry about that anyway, since his studies began we practically shake hands and I don't have to worry about that. He's either working, studying or drinking. What a life. And I'm beginning to think my life would be better without him. report abuse
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 written by Ken , June 04, 2009 Lyn, I don't envy your situation. It is a tough one and only you can make the decision whether to stay or go. You probaly know that your relationship with your husband will never get any better as long as he stays involved with the JW. I hope your salvation is in Jesus Christ and you pray to God and trust in him. With prayer God will guide you. My brother is JW and there is no turning him. We respectfully disagree. I have to distance myself at times, because of the insanity in heir cult beliefs. Everything that spews from their mouth is from a Watchtower magazine and is repetitive, I have heard it all 1000 times over and over and over. The Awake and the Watchtower have to misquote people out side their organization and lie about their lies and when they are called out on it, they claim it is ok because it is under the authority of their Bethel ( head quarters ) and they believe it to be a prophet. I studied and debated scripture with him for 7 years and I won the battle, but lost the war. I am a very positive person and reviewing their materials saddened me,So I decided to quit focusing on debating his belifs and converting him to serving God and doing his joyful work. I am happier and my brother Rick is still in his cult and he is happy. Please find a way to serve God joyfully, pray for your husband and most of all Enjoy your life! report abuse
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 written by Pam , June 25, 2009 Hi Lyn, I have experienced the exact same thing as you. My husband starting studying over 9 months ago and I ended up kicking him out as he was doing all of it behind my back. I couldn't stand him and his Jehovah ways anymore. He was drinking so bad and I was tired of being verbally abused by him. He still calls me and screams at me for kicking him out and swears up a storm while doing it. He has had 12 jobs in the last 4 years and blames everyone but himself for quitting everyone of them. He was also quitting these jobs without telling me. I thought being a Witness would have changed all of his bad behavior but no its only made matters worse. I am much happier on my own and the vision of divorce is also dancing in my head and will soon come true. Please think of yourself and your life. Get out while you can and start a whole new life where you will be much happier. Pray to God and he will guide in the right direction. His love and strength will see you through this difficult time. Pray for your husband too as I do that the Holy Spirit will find his way into his heart. report abuse
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written by Pam , June 25, 2009 Lyn, If you would like to talk sometime let me know. I have been searching for someone in my situation to talk to. Pam report abuse
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 written by Kerry , June 29, 2009 I've been married to my JW husband for nearly 14 years. You see, we married when I was pregnant. At that time, I did not understand anything about JW and the faith. Throughout these years its been alot of struggle on my part and alot of compromising. I have been able to do birthdays and holidays for my two kids now but still I am constantly thinking am I in this marriage only for my children. I don't even know if I am in love with him. I know he's tired of trying as I don't go the meetings at all. At one point, I was attending the meetings but to that extent only. I will not convert to being a witness. So I am asking, what is there left if I know in my heart that I will not share the same faith as my husband??? I'm so confused. I know my kids will be loved no matter what but I've been married for so long that I am scared of the outcome of the affects for my children and for me. Will I be able to make it on my own? I know he will curse me which he has before that the next person I am with will probably beat me up and/or leave me, etc. report abuse
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 written by Ramon , September 08, 2009 I found this website hours before I am going to visit a divorce attorney. I have been married to my wife for 11 years and have a 2 year old son. I have also raised 2 stepdaughters from my wife's preious marriage for the last 15 years. My wife lead Purpose Driven Christian bible studies, attended, church, was always getting on me to get involved with the church. 4 years ago I committed myself to the Lord and got involved in the church. Well a year and a half ago out of the blue my wife tells me she has been studying with JW and will no longer attend church with me and my son. She also turned our bedroom into a JW shrine with books, magazines, dvds, and bibles. I have slept in my sons bedroom over a year and told my wife I would wait it out. Have asked her to go to counsueling and she said she doesn't want anyone trying to convince her beliefs are wrong. She has been taking my 2 year old door to door and to Kindom Hall for 8 months now. On 2 occasions I have told her no, you are not taking the 2 year old there. She called me controlling and called the police. The police came to my house, listen to both sides, then told me I need to get a divorce. They said these things always end bad and my wife is "gone". BTW my step daughters (1  and (19 and pregnant) do whatever they want, partying etc. They are not asked to attend JW events, only my biological son has too. I gave up my career of 14 years to stay at home with my son, work nights, and own a small business so my wife could start her dream job. So I take care of my 2 year old all day during the week, then my wife takes him to JW on the weekends. I continue to conusuel with my pastor and small group, but I am finally done. Please pray for me and my son. God bless report abuse
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 written by Michael , September 26, 2009 My life as I knew it ended 2 and a half years ago when my wife joined JW. I have lost everything that I worked for for 30 years. It is so so sad that I never realized what damage could be caused by rligion. I love her but must continue on. Please email me @ michaeltoddpalmer@rocketmail.com report abuse
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written by Pam , September 27, 2009 Michael, I sent you an e-mail. I am so sorry for what has happened to you, as the same thing has happened to me. It is all so very sad that a religion like the JW's can destroy a marriage. I hope I will get the opportunity to discuss our situations. I have waited for a long time to find someone to be able to communicate with that has been through the same thing that I have. Pam report abuse
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 written by LEILA , October 06, 2009 i would like to talk to someone who might have a similar situation as I. i am married to a jw for 6 yrs now. i am a non practicing catholic. we met when he was disfellowship and we dated and fell in love. i have always respected his belief and made a promise to him to help him get reinstated in which he is now. i went to his meetings and i also had a bible study with a Jehovahs witness to undestand their beliefs and to understand my husband. since my husband was reinstated he seems very over righteous and i feel he is pushing his religion to me but i dont like it Ive been going to his sunday meetings mainly but my heart is not in it but i do it because i love my husband, i get depress hearing that the "end" is almost here ALL THE TIME!. im tired of listening to it from all of them telling me to get baptized as a jw so i can live in paradise earth and that i can have everlasting life. everytime i tell my husband how i feel he gets mad he doesnt seem to undersatand me. i am beginning to think marrying him is a mistake. respecting each others beliefs isnt there anymore especially mine, BUT I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH AND WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR HIM EXCEPT BE A JW. my heart is not in it and itold my husband that if i wanted to become a JW i will do it myself from the heart and not for anyone except for me. and my heart is not in it. there is so much to say if anyone reads this and has some advice id like to hearit. I am so confused. HELP. report abuse
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 written by Bryan Moon , October 15, 2009 I was with the same girl for 15 years.I knew her mom and siblings were witnesses.She had been raised a witness but as an adult decided it wasn't for her.Her family always treated me like a son until I developed a bad drinking problem.They swooped in and converted her and had her baptized as a witness.I have now quit drinking and I miss her horribly.I'm still so in love with her but she won't even speak to me.I write to her and send her cards but she never responds.I'm so heart broken.What can I do. report abuse
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 written by EEP , October 31, 2009 To everyone who has posted, I am sorry for the hell that you have encountered through the JW beliefs. I find myself entangled in it as well, recently discovering that i am pregnant by a JW, (I am NOT nor will I EVER be) and we are not married. He is currently disfellowshipped (for premarital sex), and once I told him that I was pregnant, he immediately reverted back to strict Jehovah adherance telling me that this child WILL be a Witness and there is nothing I can do about it. He has threatened to take me to court and fight me there. I already have a 5 year old son, and I made it very clear that I WILL not raise my children seperately in beliefs. I am not sure what to do, and I am scared. I feel overwhelmed, and he is no longer the wonderful man he played himself off to be. T He downplayed his cult like belief systems, never uttering a word about them to me, if i ever brought it up, he would shrug it off like it was not even a big deal. Now that i am pregnant, the realness of his beliefs is unraveling. Does anyone out there have any idea as to what I should do, or know of anyone that has been in this position. I dont even know where to start. report abuse
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 written by Jane , December 02, 2009 I married a JW this past Oct. and feel I may have made a big mistake! Dear God HELP me! He was wonderful until he moved in with me after the wedding and then the Headship came out full force, I am pulling my hair out, I need someone to talk to. report abuse
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 written by Beth , December 05, 2009 I know someone in England who has tried to be happy in a marriage with a JW for over 20 years. After living through all of the heartache and rejection ( that this article does a good job of addressing) they want a divorce.(They helped raise and support their JW spouse's children who are now grown, but have not even been able to have their own friends to the house because the JW spouse says they are "spiritual enemies"!!) Now that they want to be free of it all, they have been advised by an attorney that with British law they have no legal rights or grounds to file, except if they were to commit adultery or abuse drugs, and will have to wait for 5 years of separation before they could divorce and get on with their life!! Does anyone know ANYthing to the contrary? Is there no other legal help in England for the tortured to have some relief? Is there no other recourse? Any help would be appreciated. report abuse
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 written by WILLE TUBBS , December 16, 2009 I am too married to a jw for 6yrs. We have two beautiful daughters. Our marrige has been a struggle. We are on the road to divorce. But yesterday was different. She realize that life is meaningless without me. So she is willing to do anything to make this marriage to work. So I told her in order to make this work it has to be that we both give and recieve. She agreed. By the way for the last 2yrs I have been studing the differents between jw and christians. I read many books, magazines, and articles. Until I found a book called "Rediscovering the Kingdom" by Dr. Myles Munroe. This book change my whole life. After reading the book I realize if she can't understand this then our marriage is over. Well to get back to the conversation. After she agreed I told her to buy the book and read it. And give me her views on it after each chapter. She agreed to do it. For the people that is reading this. I highly recommend that u do the same. Buy the book first and read it for yourself then envolve your spouse. I pray that it will work for YOU and ME. And remember that you are too BLESSED to be STRESSED and you also are too ANOINTED to be DISAPPOINTED. report abuse
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 written by Tiffany , December 22, 2009 I have been married to my husband for 2 years and we have a 2 year old child. My husband was raised a witness and I was not, although I am Christian. He tries to inflict me and our child into not celebrating Halloween and Chritmas. But he has no problem celebrating any other holiday ib the calendar year. He keeps telling me that he loves me and that if I choose to Celebrate these holidays with our child that he will divorce me and take our child from me. I love him and our marriage would be great if it wasn't for these strange ideas. I think that I need to leave just not to sure if i have grounds for a divorce or if he can just take our child. report abuse
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 written by Scott , January 13, 2010 I met my wife when she was disfellowshipped, fell in love and married after a couple of years. At that time, she was very understanding and down-to-earth. It was when my step-daughter started getting out of control partying and such as a teenager that my wife decided to try to get reinstated, and get her daughter going to meetings. Another factor I think was when Hurricane Katrina hit New Orleans she would do nothing but sit and watch the coverage on CNN all day long (we live in NY). Perhaps she thought the Apocalypse was really here. Nine months later, after the sadistic "shunning", she was reinstated. I tried to follow the advice given on a lot of these websites, but it was to no avail. You can never underestimate the power of guilt that is implanted in these poor individual's minds!!! Now, after five years of marriage, I'm done. We are legal separated right now. The breaking point came when she started doing bible studies with illegal mexican immigrants that work on the farms nearby. Then she was picking up things for them at Walmart, next was driving them to the Hall on Sundays, and then finally driving them to Walmart to pick up supplies. Any attention given to me, or to the household, came to almost nil. I pointed out to her that this is illegal, transporting illegal aliens, and her response was that she was following God's law, which is a higher law. So, after seeing I was supporting not only her, but my 19 year old stepdaughter (who doesn't work, no interest in college of course, only wants to work at Bethel if she's accepted) as well, and basically funding their activities with no respect or love given back to me... it was time to pull the plug. I am still willing to give our marriage a chance, because I do take marriage seriously, and made vows that I don't think should be taken lightly. But, as most of the other bloggers on here know, I doubt highly anything will change on her side, so I'm sure divorce is in our future. Thanks for listening. I can not possibly put down in a few words what day-to-day life has been like, but I do recognize some of the things from the above posts.. especially your bedroom becoming a JW shrine. Every night I would have to clear the bed of Watchtowers, Awakes, and of course the NWT. Ugh, thank God that is done with. Good luck to all of you. report abuse
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written by Jane , January 21, 2010 I have let some time go by, just to see if things would get better... Instead they have gotten worse! My husbands beliefs are driving me insane, and his parents cannot hold any conversation with me that does not revolve around the end of this system of things, and I should have my children study so that they are not dead forever. I have been more depressed now than I have ever been. Why can't I just have a happy life and do normal happy things? Well they have an answer for that as well! Because it is the worldy things that satan is tempting me with and Jehovah would see that as being unrightous! They also told me that I have let demons into my home because my children had a christmas tree in their room. My children are from a previous marriage and should not have to suffer because I married him, but his family is pushing studies and I have all but stopped going to their home with my children. I was so depressed in the past month that I packed my suitcase and drove 300 miles to be with my family, which is also a problem to my husband and his family, because they are not Witnesses and are bad influences on me. Does it ever end? Now I am to limit contact with my blood family and the friends I grew up with! This is craziness! I am a believer in God, but should I fear him? Should I fear living a life that is happy for me and my children? HELP!!!!! report abuse
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 written by Ralph , January 21, 2010 All of the stories I have read here break my heart, but there is some comfort in the fact that I'm not alone. I found a someone that taught me about cult behavior, and that helps me understand what is going on with my wife. check out Steven Hassan's books and the website freedomofmind.com. None of it fixes my problems directly, but it helps me understand what I'm dealing with and why my wife, with her history of abuse and neglect as a child, still wanted to go back to the JW's. report abuse
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 written by MFD , January 29, 2010 Well I can certainly relate to most of the stories mentioned. I knew when I met my future wife back in '97 that her family was into the whole jw thing. She was even going at the time, but not faithfully as she had a full time job, along with a full-time college schedule, not to mention being head-of-household, watching over her mother and 2 younger sisters. Over time, she celebrated with me. We've done the Christmas and Thanksgiving thing. This lead me to believe that I wouldn't have to consider her religion as we progressed with our relationship. All of a sudden, while she was pregnant with our son, she started going to studies, while I was at work,with some jw's that had come to my house while going door to door. According to her, I knew that she was a jw and that she wouldn't give it up. BUT YOU DID, you did for the past 9 years. All of a sudden, because your damn mother comes back into the picture and your pregnant, you feel as though you need to reinstate yourself and give in as though you've been living a lie for all these years? Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that we had just married a few months prior to her starting up her whole jw thing. I gave in, thinking how hard could it be to be involved with someone who has different believes. A few years have gone by without us celebrating anything together. This includes my sons birthdays. It wasnt until my sons 4th birthday, where we were sitting at the table and I was singing "happy birthday" to him, ALONE, with my wife sitting the next chair over. It was then, that it hit me. "Wait, I shouldn't be doing this alone." Why did I take this away from him all this time? This is just not fair to him. It hit me even harder that following christmas, where I was up with my son early in the morning while he was all smiles, from cheek to cheek. I was handing him presents left and right. Where was his mother during this precious time? IN BED... I gave her the ultimatum. YUP, I sure did. either be part of the family or I am out. Was this fair? no, I dont think so, but I had the thought in my mind that she would give in, that she might want to hold onto our family. But NO, after a brief vacation, which was primarily meant to give our marriage some air, some pressure relief if you will. We came back home, and just a few short weeks later, I had to leave. I just couldn't take it anymore. I couldn't bare to spend the rest of my life with this woman who is so close minded and consumed by this cult. I have done alot of research, just to find out that not many marriages work out when 1 partner is involved in the jw. We are currently in the process of divorce, which I don't want, but she has come to the conclusion that it is best. On the other side of this, when I left my home, she started going out with various men, went on a vacation to LV to meet up with a high school sweetheart, I think we can all imagaine what happened there. and she calls herself a jw? she is such a hypocrite. I have my kids as my #1 priority and I just cant stand the fact that we are in the situation we are in, but am I wrong for leaving? I am only 31 and i am having mixed feelings about all this. RIREBEL17@YAHOO>COM report abuse
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 written by oddysseus , January 31, 2010 I don't like to read any of this, it's sad to see families break up and disintegrate becuase of religious disagreement. At the end off the day it's the kids that suffer most. I know my mother left my father when I was only 5. She raised my two older twin brothers and me on her own. No child support, WIC, or any of that. It was a rough time growing up without a father, but smehow we made it through, Thnaks to our lord. But as I read through all these comments I can't help but to think off the bible scripture founded in matthew 10:34-36. In this scripture Jesus Christ states that he did he did not come to earth to bring peace but a sword, going on he says that a persons enemies would be people of their own household. I don't say this to discourage anyone, but only to bring some light onto this extremely tough and stressful dynamic. report abuse
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 written by gigi , February 02, 2010 Wow, I have just spent about thirty minutes of my day at work reading what all of you have written. I found this article because as you probably already know...I am having trouble in my marriage with my JW marriage mate. Several of your stories relate to mine. I married my husband who was disfellowshipped. Of course, over time, he became reinstated. He gives me the credit for that because I was very troubled about a good friend dying, and when we started talking about death and what happens at death, that got him to thinking about going back. He was reinstated just a few months after we were married. I was going to the meetings with him, and even making my children go. I then studied the book "What does the bible really teach" with one of the witness. The person I was studying with was basically leading a double life...a JW one day, and a totally different person the next. After a few things happened that affected me personally due to this person...I was turned off. I have tried going back to church, I have tried having Birthday parties again...but it seems like I have to give a detailed explanation to my husband each time I mention doing something that he doesn't believe in. I could go on and on, but the bottom line is: it is very sad that our marriage is going down the tubes because he is a very loving, caring man, but the JW's are definately number one in his life, and that is not how it started out. I am so afraid, and so scared. I love him, and he has done so much for me and my two boys. I just don't know how much longer we can live two very separate lives. I would appreciate and do appreciate all comments, or suggestions. report abuse
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 written by Abby , February 07, 2010 I am very concerned with all the comments regarding the marriages, not the fact that the spouses are JW's but how the JW's are treating their spouses. I have been studying to be a JW for quite some time now and have been contemplating divorcing my husband because he refuses to take a headship role in the family by not working, he's also an addict, and has abandoned the marriage in so many words, but it sounds like the JW spouses have become so involved in recruiting for the Kingdom, they have forgotten how to be a Christian husband/wife. It sounds like the JW's need to get their heads out of the WT and back into the Bible. In no way would Jehovah have wanted a husband or wife to treat their spouse in this manner and the behavior contradicts Bible principles about marriage (Eph 5:23-31;I Co 7:10-16; I Co 13:4). Its too bad that so many JW's have become haughty in their faith and no longer respect Jehovah and his instruction. The path of a JW is a personal one and should, in no way, be inflicted upon anyone. To each his own gift and path. I don't know if the elders are encouraging the behavior or if your spouses have even spoken to any of the elders but I can't imagine them endorsing this behavior towards a spouse. If this is the case, I would run for the hills. I have the opposite problem in my situation. I want a divorce but everyone is telling me to give it some time and pray for my husband and our marriage, but I have been contemplating talking to the elders instead. I think some people may be using JW as an excuse for the problems that are in the marriage and are not realizing that the JW spouse is there for personal reasons as it is and not necessarily because they love Jehovah. Your mate, as a JW, should be patient, loving, righteous (not self righteous), and understanding of your path as a christian as each of our paths are different. I keep hearing about how the JW puts Jehovah first in their lives but trample over their spouse-that is not a Godly marriage! report abuse
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 written by teel , February 15, 2010 Abby, you might be right on some cases, that the problem is there without JW faith. But you have to admit that the JW lifestyle is radically different from the average people's lifestyle. Such a radical change always puts a huge strain on the marriage, as you are starting to observe in your own case too. Just the fact that the JW mate will not join the unbeliving mate in most of the things he/she will do (I mean birthday, christmas, a good movie, and so on) is alone enough for love to completely go away. In my case I am what JWs call "appostate", and if you do a bit of search in the magazines you can see that the elders do wholeheartedly endorse bad treatment, at least in my case. An appostate is the most evil person that can walk the Earth, he left Jehovah on purpose to do his own desires. How can you possibly imagine such a marriage can go right? report abuse
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 written by rose , February 18, 2010 I want to thank everyone for sharing their stories, I have my own. Finding this forum is the first time I've realized that I'm not alone! I have a defacto relationship with a non active JW, I got pregnant after merely 2 months of knowing him, and before I found out I was pregnant we had broken up several times! Once I found out I was pregnant I tried to mend our relationship for the child. But during the past four months of my pregnancy his previous problems with alcohol and drugs have increased to scary proportions! He ended up kicking me out of "our home," thankfully so, though I still was putting myself down and blaming myself for the failed relationship. But it wasn't until I came to stay with my mother, that I began to realize that his alcoholism and emotional/physical abuse wasn't my fault, as he had convinced me it was. I have only started to research his religion and the beliefs that must torment him every day. It doesn't seem so hard to see why people of JW beliefs drown themselves in substances, when they are laden with guilt by their beliefs! I am Christian but could never become a JW after seeing how his brother was Dis-fellowshiped and shunned by his family. I hope that anyone who has experienced the hurt and remorse of losing a relationship because of a religion can find consultation, knowing that they are not alone. If anyone wants to talk to me, please don't hesitate to email. report abuse
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 written by MR , February 25, 2010 I am looking for a bit of advice on how to handle an extremely painful situation - and it appears that this situation is all too common among those involved with those of JW faith. Now I am not married to this individual, but it does not make the pain of it any less. Basically what happened is that I got involved in a relationship with a man of JW faith, but this man was also still married to his JW spouse but admitted that the marriage was over that there was no respect and that they both admitted to each other that they only remained in the marriage for their 2 young children. I knew this going into it, now you can go into the moral implications of getting involved with someone who is still legally married, but that aside please. Long story short we fell in love. We he decided to tell his elders about our relationship and his intension to continue his relationship with me - the threatened him with disfellowship if he did not immediatley cease any and all contact with me despite the fact that he told them that he was in love with me and no longer loved his wife a way a husband should. They filled his head with ideas that his children's lives would be destroyed if he left the family unit and therefore he was required by God to go back and resolve his marriage. Well for a week he tried, he ceased all contact and communication with me. Then one day he calls, literally crying saying that he tried to cut me out of his life but couldn't. So our relationship resumed again....resumed again with him knowing what his elders had told him. The first time that we were 'together' again he broke down and started crying saying that he had forsaken his god, that he had spat in his face and that now he would be godless. He told me that he was not in love with his wife that he did in fact love me (and I do believe him on that) but that he loved his god more. He said he can not ask his wife for a divorce because he had no spiritual right, it was her decision since technically he commited adultery. He said that in order to remain loved by his god that he needed to make the attempt that god wants to resolve his marriage and if it does work, then it doesn't, but that despite the fact that he did truly love me and wanted a life with me, he could not forsake his god. Now I feel beyond stupid for getting back involved with him, but I truly do love him and I don't understand this. I am a Christian and I know that God is understanding and is forgiving....so I do not understand this and I don't know how to deal with the pain of losing him over these beliefs. He asked me to gain accurate knowledge of his god and then I would know the choice and pain he was facing and that that knowledge would take the place of the pain. I do not understand because he knew all of this when he chose to get involved with me again. I don't understand if you truly do love someone how you turn your back on them because you believe that you will not have everlasting life? I have done some research on the JW faith and I guess I partially understand what he is being told. I truly do not know how to deal with the pain of this. I feel like I'm whining but it is something that I truly do not understand. report abuse
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 written by latasha , March 09, 2010 I have been married for 10 years. My husband was a non-practicing JW when we met and has not been involved with the organization until recently. We have two young children and he has cheated on twice (that I know of). About 10 months ago, he started studying to become a JW; I believe that he is studying because of his vices and because he is ex-military and needs that 'structure.' I am an Episcopalian and will not become a witness. I am in pain every day because he is becoming someone else. Because of the infidelity, I feel as if I didn't really know him. Now that he is studying, I feel as if I truly don't know him. I have not found the courage to ask him to leave but I feel myself moving in that direction. He has been having 'family worship' with our children and will take them to the hall if I allow it. (I usually do not allow it. If I am out of town I have no choice). I love him but don't like him that much anymore (because of the infidelity and religion). What to do? What to do? report abuse
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 written by Damian , March 26, 2010 Hi there I am currently engaged to a JW. I am Pentecostal, she is not an active JW. But something tells me she wants to go back to the JW lifestyle. In order for us to get married she said she would agree to get baptised in the Pentecostal church, but it would only be for show. I didnt have any fears prior to reading the post on that site, but after reading them, I am more than a little nervous about the whole thing. She is from a JW family, and I know that she would love her family to approve of her choices. Interestingly enough, her parents (long time JW) seem to have less faith in the JW lifestyle than her brothers and sisters who swear by it. Things are great right now between us, but I dont want to be fooled into thinking that will always be the case. What do you think is the best course of action at this stage? Apprecate any advice u may have to give. I love her, she been the woman of my dreams for over ten years, but I dont want to make a mistake when it comes on to the biggest decision of my life. Damian report abuse
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 written by Brook Hubbeling , April 23, 2010 Damian, I was raised pentecostal. My wife became JW after we were married. She was in the closet and came out after we conceived our son. She changed overnight, no longer enjoying the activities that had brought us together, no longer watching her favorite shows on tv, no longer listening to any music other that that of the Watchtower, no longer eating what she used to love. She became a totally different person, but when children come along, she felt the strong need to return to the Kingdom Hall that she had neglected for twenty years. Here elders became a second husband in our home. She began to give all of her decision s to them and no longer sought my advice. What I am saying is that you and your son to be wife will never be able to have a true partnership between the two of you, there will be three and you will not have a voice, even then. This depends upon her commitment to the Watchtower. Our son has suffered, I have suffered and I finally came to the wracking decision that it would be better to have two homes for our son. One with me where he could see a normal life and be free from the bondage of the Watchtower. I have not yet regretted the decision although it has cost me dearly. Beware. report abuse
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 written by mercy , May 20, 2010 Although it is comforting to read all these posts and to know I am not alone I am sure everyone can agree that the pain is still so deep. I just recently ended my relationship with my fiance. We were together for 11 1/2 years. His parents claimed to be active but neither are baptized or attended any meetings. To make matters worse his parents would buy presents for everyone around Christmas but claim it was just for fun. They would take him out to dinner on his birthday but not "for" his birthday. He was not practicing for the first few years of our relationship and even attended some of my families holiday traditions. One day out of the blue he gave me an ultimatum and said he decided he was going to pursue being a JW and that if we had children they would have to be raised JW as well. We took a break and then came back to each other. I agreed to go to bible study with him to understand where this was coming from and to understand his beliefs. I did this for a year and chose to not be a part of it. A couple of years passed and he faded out of JW more and more and eventually asked me to marry him. A little later down the road he came out and said he wanted to pursue JW and did get baptized. The hardest part for me is all the effort I put into us and love I put into us. Doing everything to understand and yet he didn't put in the same kind of effort. Not willing to do bible study with me or attend a service with me. We have decided to part ways because things were not moving forward. I see how much he struggles with this decision even if he doesn't. Although we are not together I cannot seem to give up on us yet. We really did have an amazing love and connection and that makes it all the more hard. I still love him with all I have and pray everyday that he sees the light and the love I have for him. report abuse
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 written by B.A.AM , May 26, 2010 The only comfort I can find in these stories is the fact that I no longer feel alone in this very confusing time. I have been in a relationship for the last 15 years with a disfellowshipped JW. He was born and raised JW, and his entire family (including ex-wife and kids from a previous marriage) is heavily involved in the JW community. I am a practicing Catholic, and went into this relationship knowing that I could never get married in a Catholic church, and I was OK with it. Love conquers all, doesn’t it? Being disfellowshipped, he was unable to maintain a relationship with his family. His family never accepted me nor the children born out of this relationship. I always looked at it as “their loss, not mine.” He immerged himself with my family. He celebrated all holidays, participated in religious traditions and celebrations, and even attended mass with me and my family on occasion. He even started looking forward to celebrating his own birthday. We spent years living with Religion as the white elephant in the room. We agreed to disagree, and it worked. He maintained his beliefs, but did not attend JW meetings or bible study. He expressed that he was not comfortable with religious pictures or statues in the house, I respected his wishes. Cut to 15 years later, 2 children (baptized Catholic), adultery (on his part), alcoholism (on his part), verbal abuse (on his part)...I decided enough was enough. I decided to end the relationship because it had become an unhealthy situation for me and my children, religious differences aside. Within 24 hours of my walking out the door, he decides he needs to pursue being reinstated as a JW. He claims that he had been living a lie and “walking with the devil” for the last 15 years, and that he needed to now live in “truth”. Hitting rock bottom (a.k.a finding himself alone) served as his wakeup call. He attended his first meeting within 48 hours of my leaving him. He claims being reinstated will allow him to curb his temper and alcohol problem, and be a better man, husband, and father. He now wants to try to work things out with me and save our relationship, but under numerous conditions. First, we must get legally married. In 15 years, I never pushed the topic because I always wanted a catholic wedding. I was ok with not having a wedding at all. But now, in fear of being accused of fornication, we must sign on the dotted line. Second, he is forewarning me that he will no longer participate in any worldly celebrations. Third, he wants our children to have a relationship with his family - the same family who has ignored their existence their entire lives. I can compromise my beliefs by entering into a legal (marriage) contract with him. I can come to terms with the fact that he will be absent at any future celebrations. I CAN NOT deal with my children (ages 12 and 6) being thrown into a situation that will cause great confusion for them. He went from being a passed-out drunk to a self righteous person, consistently reminding me that the world is coming to an end. In the last six weeks, he has become drunk twice, lost his temper too many times to count, and has been Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde on a daily basis. I find it all so hypocritical. Nothing has changed in his behavior with the exception a little less drinking and afternoon disappearances in his Sunday’s best. I don’t know if I can do this. I don’t think I have the faith in his promises that this for the better of our family. Once he achieves full reinstatement, is it going to get better? Will the good man be consistently present? I keep thinking to myself that I had made the decision to leave once already, why did I go backwards? I keep reading that interfaith relationships, especially between Catholics and JWs, are doomed from the start. Is it worth continuing the fight? He promises that he will respect my beliefs, and wishes to have my children raised catholic. Just last week, while I was on a business trip, he took my little one to a JW meeting and told him “NOT TO TELL MOM.” When I asked him about it, he very clearly stated that he will take our son wherever and whenever he chooses. Do I want to be in a relationship with someone who considers me his "spiritual enemy"? I have to admit I do love him, and would give anything to have him kick the alcohol problem, and learn how to control his temper, but at what expense? report abuse
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 written by Tired , May 27, 2010 Well my story is very different. I was born and raised a JW, married a JW who is still one and is raising our child as one as well. I am the one who "fell out of the truth" and now I am being treated like garbage, no love, no respect, no affection and barely any attention. In other words, he tolerates me, yet I feel as though just a roomate. His Mother (also a JW and a Pioneer) also treats me the same way and she never liked me since the very beginning anyway. He has ALWAYS put her first and let her treat me any ole' kind of way as well. So much for the ole' "A husband must leave his Mother and stick to his wife" huh? Well that's a big behind JOKE in our household. In no way shape or form does he try to encourage me to get back to the meetings. This after I begged him to do so because I needed his support when I became spiritually weak. He has also told MY child that I will be destroyed when armegeddon comes. I had to explain to my child that NO HUMAN being has the right to make that decision, only Jehovah knows, period. I could tell you all a whole long drawn out story but for the sake of time, I won't go into all of the details. Now I am seeking a divorce from this man for his constant rejection of me, his verbal and emotional abuse and complete lack of love and consideration towards me. We haven't even shared the same bed for 5 years! I am tired of begging for a little bit of love, the love I deserve to have. He refuses a divorce because "Jehovah hates a divorcing" BUT he does NOTHING to try to work on our relationship. I tried so hard with him and I stayed with him for so long because I was afraid of a divorce being the wrong decision. I wanted to keep our family together for my daughter while sacrificing my own happinesss. I can't keep living this way though and I no longer love this man. I am ready to move on with my life now. It will be a hard road as I will be asking for custody of our child as well as alimony. I know he will fight me every step of the way but now I know that I am finally fed up and I am no longer afraid! Wish me luck! report abuse
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 written by RPS , June 04, 2010 I am a pastor of a Protestant church. One of my congregants has not lived with his JW wife for 15 years, and has been in a common-law relatioship for a number of years with a woman who also attends our church. About 5 years ago he petitioned for divorce from his wife in the province where she lives. The wife contested the divorce on religious grounds, and an attorney counseled him that if the case went to trial, it was very possible that the judge would not grant the divorce based on the wife's religous contestation. Do any of you have experience in someone divorcing a JW after an extended period of separate habitation and/or common law marriage of the non-JW spouse? If so, how did the judge decide? report abuse
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 written by al , July 09, 2010 Michael, I have been married to a Jehovah Witness for 47 years, I also have an adopted daughter who is a Jehovah witness. Because I refuse to become a Jehovah Witness, I now sleep along and have been isolated from most family functions, because my wife and daughter will not attend. I'm retired now and it looks like things will not get any better. I say divorce, while your you enough. If I could do it all over again I would divorce. report abuse
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 written by Liz , August 05, 2010 I have been with my husband for 11 years. We have been married for 5. We have a four year old son and recently my husband told me that is going to start working on becoming a JW. His whole family is JW and I never took to the religion. I love my husband more than anything but I feel that we will eventually fall apart due to his beliefs. We have already had a rocky road but him becoming JW is over the top. I want to be able to respect it. He says he will compromise on holidays but I feel that when he is actually baptized he will no longer compromise. I have never met a JW that is willing to go to Christmas or die easter eggs. Does anyone think its possible to compromise or is it going to end up how I fear it will, me in a marriage alone. report abuse
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written by Liz , August 05, 2010 I have been with my husband for 11 years and married about 5 years. We have a four year old son. My husband grew up as a JW and his entire family is JW. Just recently he told me he would like to become baptized as a JW. Its been so much compromise so far with holidays. He says he will continue to compromise and continue to go to things without participating. I feel alone in our partnership sometimes as it is. My fear is that when he does get more active in becoming a JW he will no longer compromise with holidays. I dont even think JW's are allowed to compromise with that. Has anyone shared this same experience. I am seriously considering divorce. report abuse
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 written by GIGI , August 09, 2010 I wrote to this website several months ago...I am married to a JW, and as far as compromising Liz, he will not. We are spreading further and further apart. His involvement in JW activites are growing. He tries hard to balance it with the family, but it is getting really hard. I am considering divorce too, I am afraid, and I don't want to lose him, but I feel I already have. report abuse
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 written by Sjk , August 19, 2010 Hi everyone, I have read all your stories, with a heavy heart. I was dating an orthodox christian man for 3 years, and became pregnant just about the same time as he starting hanging out with a JW friend. We got married (civil ceremony,- i was promised white wedding in church at later stage). At the time I had no idea what JW meant, and after he started talking about the end being near, and jehovah this and that all day every day of my pregnancy, and about rejecting blood, and really godknowswhat, i just hoped it was a phase that would pass. even when I was replying to his ridiculous 'religious' speakings, by imploring him that i just dont want to hear it anymore and that he should religion as personal and keep it for and to himself, and asking him to please stop it, i was screamed at (i was 8 months preggy by this time) that satan is inside me and i should let him out... after i gave birth and had 1 month old little girl on my breast, he was again spewing out jw stuff, which i was asking him to stop and again i was told satan is inside me and i must let him out... the last 3 years have been pretty tough. husband has had behavioural issues in any case, as he is chronic pot-smoker, has been jekyl and hyde with behaviour, flaring up and verbally agressive at times, other times seems very mellow (usually after a smoke)... Last year i distnaced myself from him emotionally and physically. the feeling just seemed to have died. after trying so hard for 2 years to get him out of this jw cult, i realised that i just had to reconcile myself to it for sake of our kid, but without accepting to participate in it, or accepting that our chld would be affected by it for the obvious reasons. my goal was that he would keep his jw religion as a personal thing, but for it not to be discussed or have any affect on us as a family ie. from now on he would participate in christmases (by helping me actually get the tree-unlike past 2 xmases where i was with young infant and getting tree and decorations all alone! i swear he sucked out the joy from xmas! anyway i digress... from now on i wanted him to be there for all family occassions, celebrations etc, and not just attending but actively involved... for last year since i found myself emotinally cut-off from him, he was very upset, and felt our distnace, he said he would follow what i asked etc etc, and we would try ti re-kindle my love and closeness for him... he says he still feels great love for me and that jehovah is showing him how to be a good man/father etc... long story getting longer.. report abuse
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written by Sjk , August 19, 2010 since then which was exactly 1 year ago, he has gone back on his word. last xmas was still an issue, although he was there physically for family lunch, xmas tree was all me, and presents were all me, it felt lonely and sad. our child enjoyed xmas, i tried to make it exiciting, but its hard when your partner is such a kill-joy about it!!!! in april after their easter meeting of jw, he accounced that he will never do bdays or christmases again etc. i was very upset. since then, i have been very switched off from this marraige, everything he says gets me irritated and we ended up fighting abotu everything. i can control my temper esp in front of child, but he cant, and after numerous rantings and ravings of his in front of her, i decided enough was enough, and moved into my mums house with our child. in the beginning he was ordering me to go home, then he was angry, then sad, and since hten he has been spending a LOT of time with his JW friends. now suddenly he has promised to attend all family events/celebrations again, and help with christmas. and says his religion will be something he never brings into the family home again (eg depressing discussions about satan, end of world...), even its literature will be kept outside the home... he says all will be great, but he will never leave the religion.. BTW he is not even baptized yet, just following the religion (cause of the smoking). since i moved into mums, he says he has quit the smoking and claims that it was the reason for his erratic and irrational behaviour... also he says that everything will be hunky dory here-on. its been 5 weeks since i left him. and now i dont know what to do. we were spending some time togehter last evening (at mums as i have not moved back but we have talked about going on dates again and trying to rekindle our relationship again), and he asked me if i knew why he was so changed and how it is that he is so amazingly cool and calm and collected etc... i was very confused, and he said 'well ur not ready yet to listen'... now im thinking, oh my god, he meant the change in him is cause of jehovah god.. im so confused,... i want to do the right thing... if my marriage has a chance i want to give it one, but does it really? am i just prolonging our agony, by trying again? and our chld now is 2 and a half.. wont it be worse for her if we separate later on in 1 or 2 years? he is a good father. does he mean what he says? can I have faith in what he is promising me? i thought the nature of this religion is such that it is not possible for him to join me at celebrations and never discuss his jehovah religion... i cant feel close to my husband if he will revert to his old ways of droning on about jw, negative world views etc... i just dont want it to be a part of my or our childs life... its so far removed from everything i have grown up with! already we have a practically non-existant physical life together, and i dont care if we never do again, excuse me , but all those jw views are a major turn off! I hope i havent bored all readers to tears... there is so much more i could say... i would so appreaciate any advice... Thanks so much. Sjk report abuse
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