No one likes to be "kicked" out of anything, but it's even worse when you're not in it! No one bothered to inform me that the Society discontinued using the phrase "disfellowshipped for conduct unbecoming a Christian" when they announced publicly that one was expelled. They dropped the phrase, "for conduct unbecoming a Christian" because many ax-Witnesses were suing the Society for defamation of character. Later, they simply announced that one was disassociated due to their course of action. I learned later that one could write them a letter of disassociation. The results are the same however, in that the ex-JW is shunned. I knew that sooner or later some JW would see us entering a church. I thought about reporting myself, and wrote several letters, but never felt led to mail them - oh, how I longed to be freed from this terrible burden. I found a poem I wrote during my spiritual days of misery, written to my former Witness elder:

Disfellowshipping is a very humiliating experience to any Witness. For one thing the fear of it has been ingrained deep within. They've been told that it's the worse thing that can happen to them, that one is lost forever, with no hope of a resurrection, unless he repents and returns to the organization. A division occurs among JW family members, for they must be shunned. One cannot get out with dignity.

The September 15, 1981 Watchtower, under the subject, "If a Relative is Disfellowshipped," relates the following: If it's the father, he must not lead the family in Bible study or prayer, discuss or teach his religious ideas. If a minor child, the parents must not conduct a Bible study directly with him. If it's a relative not living in the same home, the JW is encouraged not "to mix" and certainly could not be any part of a wedding party. In fact the JW is encouraged not to even invite the disfellowshipped person to a wedding. The JW family must not even have a JW funeral for the expelled person. This article leaves the reader to believe that Jehovah believes that going to another church is a "hateful practice" and detested by God; that he is judged by God as "unrighteous" and will not inherit the kingdom. If a person simply decides he no longer wants to be a part of the congregation and disassociates himself, he is to be treated the same as a disfellowshipped person who has committed gross sin, by the Society's standards. The members are told not to even say "hello" to either disassociated or disfellowshipped persons.

Dad died in April,1980 - I'm so glad he didn't have to face my trial of disfellowshipping, for he never believed in folks not speaking especially among the family. He would have had no choice in the matter, or he too, would have been expelled. Mom died June, 1981. I'm glad, too, she didn't know about it.

I knew, sooner or later, that someone was bound to see us entering church and we would be reported. But I was absolutely shocked in regard to the way it was handled. It happened during the time Mom had just come home from a week's stay in the hospital. She had only been home a few hours when she had a severe stroke, paralyzing one side of her body. She was unable to speak and went into a coma. There was nothing we could do for her except make her comfortable. Anyone who has ever gone through a trauma like this knows the heartaches one has. I was so very close to her, and seeing her in this condition was very traumatic. It was the most heart-breaking experience in my whole life!

So it was during this time when I was worn out from the daily visits to the hospital and taking turns spending the night with her when the JW brothers came to our house to find out if it was true that we were attending church. I wondered why they couldn't have waited until this tragedy was over! One of the two elders was our very close friend in the past. He was also the blood brother of the one I called informing him about Mom's illness.

As soon as this elder began to speak, I realized why I had never been led to mail those letters asking them to disfellowship me. Suddenly God's peace came over me in such a powerful way! It caused me to feel love for them with my whole inner being. God spoke to my heart saying, "My child, I will get you through this." I knew I would never have known this peace if I had mailed a letter. I actually thought that these elders loved me enough that they wouldn't put me through a thing like this while Mom was dying. So it also made me realize that the only love they truly feel for a person is a conditional acceptance erroneously called "love" which fully depends upon one's giving up one's ability to think and letting them make all the decisions.

Can you believe that someone in Brooklyn is calling the shots that affect so many lives - lives of people who are not even practicing the religion of Jehovah's Witnesses? I said to the elders, "Why do you feel you must do this - you know I actually disfellowshipped myself (in reality) seventeen years ago, when I stopped going to the Kingdom Hall. So in reality, the only accomplishment from this meeting will result in our being ostracized." He said, "Well, we have to keep the organization clean." I replied, "How are we dirtying it up, when we aren't even in it?" He said, "Well, it's Jehovah's arrangement - you are in good standing, and it must be done." I replied, "How can I be in good standing when I'm not going to the meetings? A number of years ago, before the book, Lamp Unto My Foot, came out, you would not have done this. Because it wasn't Jehovah's arrangement - the time may come when this will be changed - you may look back at what you are doing to us today - I don't want you to feel badly, because I know you are doing this out of obedience to the organization. I've known you for twenty-seven years and I know the kind of person you are -you wouldn't do anything like this unless you were obeying the Watchtower. But rest assured I'll always love you - could we pray together?" He answered, "No." As they were leaving Bill came in from work and the elder told him he was going to be disfellowshipped for attending church. Bill's face flushed, and said simply and quietly "Okay." I shared with the elder that I was a child of God, and had much peace and joy in my heart. That I didn't believe I had to go through Jesus PLUS an organization in order to have everlasting life that I hope the day would come when all could worship together in the real truth. With God's grace, I was able to tell the elder, in love, good-bye forever, knowing he would never speak to us again.

A few days later, just before their meeting at the Kingdom Hall the same elder called saying, "Jean, we are going to announce tonight the you and Bill are being disfellowshipped - OK?" I thought, "How can he do this NOW?" I simply replied, "Do what you must!" Mom died the next day. I lost my best friend, but I have so many wonderful memories. She will live in my heart forever.

We carried out Mom's wishes, including provisions for a JW funeral. I had two brothers and two sisters at the funeral who never became JWs (only one other sister did, and she couldn't make it to the funeral). They were shocked that not one flower was sent by a JW. Dad had received many when he died, so I guess it was because of me. I can't express how I felt, standing before the casket, viewing my mom, and within inches was my former JW elder, the one to give the discourse. He would not say a single word of comfort to me. In fact, he would obey his instructions and not say a word all afternoon. At the cemetery, with the family sitting on the front row, under the tent, when he said his final words, he didn't even shake hands - I suppose he hated to shake theirs and not mine - again, he didn't say one word to me. I felt the whole thing was very unmerciful, but God's grace was sufficient, and I knew I had to be obedient to the greatest commandment, "love one another" so I could still love him.

My sister and I were the only ones of the six children who became Witnesses. Nancy and I had a special closeness, sharing the JW beliefs. We've never had a disagreement, yet she has not spoken one word to me, no correspondence of any kind - I'm "dead" to her. As I up-date this book, 1999, she is 82 and I am 73. I doubt if I'll ever see her again, nor have a conversation. She and I are the only girls left in our family, and one brother. Just think of the enjoyment we are missing!

I couldn't help thinking, "When I was a Witness going from house-to-house and people slammed the door in my face, I thought I was persecuted. But just what was I doing? I was trying to draw them from their churches, saying they had to be in the JW organization to be saved. Would that not mean two mediators - that there are two intermediaries or mediators between God and man? Yet, the Bible speaks of only one mediator between God and man, Jesus Christ.