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The Governing BOOTY

This is Dan Rather and it is October 8, 1990.

NEWS FLASH: It has just come to our attention that all but one member of the Governing Body of Jehovah's Witnesses have been killed in an explosion that rocked the men's latrine at their offices at 25 Columbia Heights in the prestigious area of Brooklyn known as Brooklyn Heights this past Wednesday, Oct. 3. While much of the story remains a mystery to the outside world, the official answer being given by the Watchtower's Service Dept. is that the members of the Governing Body were having their Wednesday meetings in the bathroom due to Milton Henschel's inability to control his bowels. When our correspondent in Brooklyn asked one of the members of the Bethel family what may have led up to Mr. Henschel's condition, he replied:

REPORTER: "The Watchtower Farms shipped up all these stewed prunes last week and we've had nothing but prunes for breakfast, lunch and dinner. While most of us just avoid them, Henschel couldn't eat anything else, and so he had been bending over for two or three days before this happened."

The Service Dept. continues to say that while engaging in this very important meeting, a package addressed to the GB from a certain Mrs. Howell was opened. As a later investigation revealed, Mrs. Howell became quite upset when the GB reversed their stand on blood transfusions two months ago. Mrs. Howell, as it turns out, had almost lost her husband and two of her seven children due to a sudden loss of blood from a terrible accident last year. An exclusive interview with Mrs. Howell's daughter provides us with some firsthand information on the accident:

"Daddy left his cigarettes and matches in the garage. He wasn't supposed to smoke, but Jimmy and Mikey kept it a secret. Jimmy and Mikey were playing with our parakeet when it landed on the top shelf of the garage. Mikey, the younger one, climbed up to get it, and Jimmy used one of Daddy's matches to light a candle so Mikey could see better. But Mikey was using a large gas can as a step, and Daddy, who was unaware of what was going on, backed the car into the gas can. Mikey and the candle fell down, igniting the gas and the car's gas tank all at once, causing a huge explosion. I was just outside the garage when it happened.

"Both my brothers and my father went into shock with third degree burns and hemorrhaging, and when they got to the hospital, Mom wouldn't allow them to have blood transfusions, cause we were all Witnesses. They almost died!"

Denying a blood transfusion to all but the parakeet, Mrs. Howell was obviously quite distressed when her husband and two boys were disfellowshiped for smoking and the boys for concealing this gross sin. Losing her senses temporarily, she suffocated the miserable parakeet and wired its body to a plastic explosive device, which was then concealed in a package addressed to the GB. When the GB went to examine the dead bird for evidence of its having been given a blood transfusion, the explosive device went off, killing eleven members of the Watchtower's exclusive GB. No reason is given as to why the twelfth member, President Frederick W. Franz (also known as Freddy) was not killed in the explosion, or as to why he was not in the meeting.

While this is the official report from the Watchtower's Service Department, certain unofficial sources have come forth with an altogether different story. Two members of the Watchtower's Bethel family who have just defected and crossed the barbed wire fence surrounding the Brooklyn Heights compound have given reporters a new story to work with:

"I really don't know why the GB were in the toilet, but I do know that they didn't have any books or Bibles with them. I was walking past the latrine when I heard the door slam and Freddy ran out into the locker room. He had nothing on but his stockings and had an odd smirk on his face! I ducked out of sight, and moments later the latrine blew up!"

"I know that no one else saw Freddy in the area after that, and he wasn't spotted until three hours later as he was taking his daily sauna with the brothers, and discussing new light on how Reagan's SDI program fits into Matt. 24:29. But aside from him, there was a small creature that hurried out of the locker room in a flash. I couldn't get a good glimpse at it, but it was breathing erratically."

October 25, 1990

A report comes to us from the Brooklyn headquarters of the Watchtower Bible & Tract Society that its president, Fred Franz, has just passed away at the age of 94. A spokesman for the Watchtower, Robert Balder, said that the Society has decided to preserve the head of Franz in cryogenic suspension for later resuscitation. News of this unusual decision has filtered down to the rankandfile Witnesses, some of whom are quite upset about this decision, in view of the Watchtower's latest prediction that the end may come in 1993, when Jesse Jackson is expected to become our next U.S. president.

Our news team decided to interview JWs at the local Kingdom Hall level, promising to keep their identities protected. John Doe had this to say:

"It doesn't make sense. They tell us the end is just around the corner, maybe in 1993. Jehovah will resurrect us then, if we die! Why should we be frozen when God can recreate us? It makes me suspicious that maybe they know something we don't."

Inside sources say that the 1993 prediction had its origin in Franz himself, who, in commenting privately on the potential of a black President, felt that "Damn! This means we may have to appoint a black onto the Governing Body!" Shortly thereafter, Franz apparently made the decision himself to have his head frozen in liquid nitrogen immediately upon his death, so that he could be revived and check up on the Governing Body in the New System, their socalled paradise to come. It seems that Franz wasn't altogether sure if he was brought back by God, it would really be "him." So frozen he was, and an unnamed source at Watchtower headquarters had this to say,

"The sauna was fitted with a liquid nitrogen tank connected to a modified toilet bowl inside, since Franz spent most of his time in there. I noticed one night his speech was slower than usual, and we knew the end was imminent. As he said `Brothers.....' for the last time, we tipped him upside down and stuck his head in the toilet, turning on the nitrogen. His head was a block of ice in moments. We carried the old blockhead out and had his head severed and put in the vault. Frankly, we miss the old guy."

"The last thing he said about the end, if I recall correctly, was that if 1993 wasn't it, then we still had more time to go. We don't know how long of an interval it was between Adam's creation and Eve's creation....Adam lived for 930 years, and he would be in middle age by about 500 years old...., so we aren't saying for sure!"


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