How I Take each Day at a Time

I'll take a little break from the Intervention series to just share some of the struggles in my life and how I have managed to survive them.

I know that some of you feeI like aliens that don't quite belong in this world, socially-speaking. I was like that for all my youthful years, until joining the Witnesses back in 1972.

After that, it no longer mattered that I didn't like doing the same things others did. I had a cause now.

Growing up, my dad got new job offers all the time, meaning our family ended up moving every single school year of my 12 years. I was not really shy, so I learned to make friends fast. But I never really liked the social environment of my peers in school, so I stayed away from social events, dating girls (at least up until I was 16) and studied hard to get good grades. I was mostly a straight-A student, always on the honor rolls. That also made me feel good, in spite of the hard work and no social life. Yet all that learning only meant that I would have to work in a world that I didn't like. I became a hippie in 1969.

By my Senior year, I was convinced I could never work in the Corporate World - the world of human commerce and prejudice and war. It was so unnatural to me. I grew up in Orange County in the sixties, back in the days when you could take a dirt road through the private Irvine Company property and cross two highways to get from the edge of Santa Ana to Laguna Beach. I wanted the country life.

Six years of Brooklyn was obviously the shock that broke me of my "city" fears - coming back to Los Angeles was like living in the rurals in comparison!

Personal Struggles

My hardest time of the day has always been in the morning. My mind typically races, so I would lie in bed thinking of all the unpleasant things I might have to deal with at school. It was my habit in my first 3 or 4 years of grade school that every single day I would get out of my room early in the AM, a half-hour before anyone else got up, and sit in the dark on the floor in the hallways with my head between my legs and cried and even prayed to get through the day. I remember those times vividly. I was not suicidal or depressive; I just didn't enjoy what other kids enjoyed. I wanted to live in a different world. I shunned television as well.

An incidental influence was that my mother had prayed before I was born over and over that if God gave her a boy (to keep the family together) she would dedicate his life to God's work, like Samuel. So I was aware of being some sort of "sacrifice," in addition to my other alienations. Great.

My way of mentally surviving this alien world was to have 100 animals on 2 acres, including a horse, a goat and a raccoon, along with snakes, rabbits, quail and dogs and cats. Taking care of them was my world; along with backpacking and sleeping under the stars at night, and hanging with a few buds. Car and motorcycle racing eventually replaced the horse in High School.

Now forward to the late 60s. The Cold War. Missiles in Cuba. Vietnam. The Draft. Surely Armageddon was near. I feared that mankind was about to kill itself off. I wanted a new world!  Along came the Jehovah's Witnesses and gave me and my then-girlfriend Renee the hope of a better, less painful world. But it came at a cost: This time I needed to go door-to-door, talking to people who don't like you or even hated you, getting chased off property, and being avoided like the plague. This was worse than my early years of grade school!

The difference this time was that I had a cause. I discovered that even when a person has to go through very uncomfortable interface with others, having and believing a cause, if carefully fed and nurtured, could give me the strength to feel good about life, and greatly lessen my anxieties. So I started pioneering 140+ hours a month in Canoga Park, Calif. But in order to have the strength to face it, I would have to read yearbook stories or listen to other JW experiences for about 1-2 hours every morning just to get my head in the right place, so I could talk to others.

The True Believer Catch

So I was like a "true believer," only reading what would reinforce my new world view, and avoiding all negative thoughts about my faith. Sound familiar? As long as I FULLY believed it, it worked better than drugs, alcohol, prescription medicines, or anything else. I had no doubts or conscious fears. It was the perfect solution to  my struggles with anxiety.

Until you no longer believe it.

Thank God I went to Bethel and was able to see the hypocrisy and deception of it all. It was a religion factory, spewing out indoctrination and mind control like the Wizard of OZ as the phony man behind the mechanical curtain. But at the same time, privately I began to see the message of grace in contrast, in Romans and Galatians. I left Bethel on my own and re-embraced the Protestant faith of my childhood, which did not require the ritual mind control.

You Still Need the Cause

I found that after 2 years of deprogramming my head from JW unrealities, I still needed a cause. I was not at peace. But this time I had a real one, helping others out of cults. That is the solution to my overactive mind in the latter part of my life. Yet every morning, for a couple of hours, I have to still focus on positive things in life, and what I can do to make the world a better place. I limit things that work against my joy, or bring down my energies. Life is a struggle, as many of you know.

Be a Part of Something

If you struggle with anxiety, aging, physical pain or other disabilities that get you down, don't fall victim and give in to it. The problems will probably not go away, so get excited about a cause! Do not let others discourage you from it, and don't turn to drugs or alcohol. Develop a strong reason, a positive reason for living that will carry you through the  rough times.

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written by elaine sabatine , December 17, 2009

To be willing to suffer in order to create is one thing; to realize that one's creation necessitates one's suffering, that suffering is one of the greatest of God's gifts, is almost to reach a mystical solution of the problem of evil.

- J.W.N. Sullivan

I enjoyed your comments. We are all to lesser or greater degrees, square pegs trying to fit into a round hole. Tolerance, and patience with each other and ourselves. Now that's grace.

Peace, Elaine

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written by Rhona Johnson , December 18, 2009

Hi Randy
I read your story and felt moved and very much like you did about the world and the Rat Race!
Years later, I still feel the same! Rather be with animals and birds. Asked God for a bird when I was just a kid. I got a Budgie (Australian) bird and tamed it and taught it to talk. Loved to day dream and draw for hours. Loved reading too. I am an introvert, and had social phobia and anxiety issues etc. I think that is why I searched for God but found the Watchtower Society instead. Old history now. Liberated and free at last.
I am still just the same as I was at fifteen, still love painting and love Nature and birds, and need tons of solitude and privacy.
Have a few good Christian friends, and have a time with My Daily Bread and that is my spiritual life at present.
The world looks just as bad as ever, wars, floods, droughts and severe storms, all predicted in the scriptures, crime and drugs and violence too.
Still feel like you do but I take one day at a time and take nothing for granted, being thankful that we can still occupy and work as we were told to do. Just to say each day, "I am available" and let the Lord direct my day.
Do any kindness and just go with the flow, not like the cults who drive themselves to death, trying to earn their salvation and thinking that they alone are the only "true" believers.
The sheep and the goats will grow until the separation.
The difference is that some have "peace of mind and heart" and do not feel driven. They follow the Good Shepherd, and his sheep know His voice!
Keep up the ministry Randy and one day you will hear the words. "Well Done!"
Blessings!
Rhona.

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written by John White , December 18, 2009

Boy, could I relate to the section about not really wanting to be a part of this world! Yes, the WT seemed to have the answers I was looking for UNTIL I realized that JW's DO NOT have the truth.

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written by Sheila , December 26, 2009

Hi Randy,
Just want you to know you are in my heart and my prayers. I will never forget how many times I listened to your early tapes as I was travelling to and from work, I think I knew them inside out and backwards. They were a tower of strength to me then as I had just walked out of the Kingdom Hall never to return, a decision I made all on my own. I think God almost ' helped ' me out that day, I never looked back. My exit was followed by the rest of the family and many friends. ( I have never been quite sure if their reasons were the same as mine- probably not )

After a great deal of soul searching, prayer and research, I made the move, and I was not afraid, in fact I think I felt that inner peace that only one can give any of us. It was as if I felt an arm around my shoulder.

I have loved all your work, read all your articles, I feel the guiding force behind you. Anyway Randy, you were there for me at the right time and I thank God for you and all those over in the US who help in your life saving work.

I was greatly distressed to hear of the loss of your friend and the illness of your father, our faith alone helps us handle these terrible events. But there are lots of hearts feeling your pain and sending you love, and I am one of them.

I've sent a small contribution towards your costs, but what you did for me at the time was priceless, I guess the timing was perfect. I wish I could do far more, but I think you know that. The miles mean nothing when you dwell in the love of Christ.

I hope you will be in the midst of your family this Christmas, and you can help each other through this difficult time. I am thinking about you and yours, please convey my love to all.

Love Sheila ( In a very thick white snowy Yorkshire -Christmas )

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