In my last post I said I wasn't angry about my experience as a Witness, but that's not entirely true. I can get angry very quickly. Not in a past-tense sort of way, but in a real-life-this-is-how-it-affects-me-today sort of way. I get angry every time I talk with my sister and listen to her subtle and not-so-subtle reminders that she no longer approves of me ever since she became a believer in Jehovah.
My sister has three children and every now and then she allows me to spend time with them. It's always supervised time of course, but we have fun and the conflict between my being gay and their being Witnesses gets set aside for a day while we reconnect and act like we care about each other. We do, of course. We love each other very much.
My sister doesn't have a nickel to her name and her children are growing up in extreme poverty, so it makes me feel good to occasionally be allowed to do something that their family can't afford. I wish I could do more, but I'm tired of having to fight to do it. I don't know if her children are aware of the conflict that inevitably arises between me and their mother. I hope not. I would rather that they reach adulthood with a few memories of happy times with their uncle...happy times that I imagine were interrupted by constant reminders from their religion that I am the great gay apostate who no longer believes in Jehovah.
It's been almost two years since our last visit when I took everyone to I-Hop for breakfast. My oldest niece was 14 at the time, we'll call her Kay, and I asked about her plans for college. That was a stupid question of course, but it just seems that one of my duties as an uncle is to give the sort of encouragement that didn't exist when I was her age.
So I asked, but Kay wouldn't answer my question. She just hemmed and hawed and poked at her pancakes, and my sister finally volunteered that Kay was planning on being a pioneer after high school. I could have gagged. I wanted to further the conversation and ask what she was planning to do after pioneering, but I didn't go there because I know where her mind is. I know how she thinks. I was a Witness at her age. When I was 14 I couldn't see beyond the steady diet of Armageddon and the New Order. At that age, I only planned to attend Gilead after high school and become a missionary in far away lands where I would trade Watchtowers to poor people in exchange for chickens.
So here we are thirty years later, and my niece is in the same position. She can't see beyond the JW dogma. Life doesn't exist beyond The Truth, so there's no point in dreaming of anything outside of the Kingdom Hall. I know this, because I've been there. True, it's been 30 years since I last set foot in a Kingdom Hall, but oh my God does it sound familiar when I hear it today. There may have been a steady stream of "new light" since I left the Witnesses, but The Truth doesn't change.
Armageddon hasn't yet arrived and they may no longer refer to a college education as "brainwashing from Satan," but their philosophy is the same. There's no reason to become anything other than a pioneer for Jehovah.
Many times over my adult life I have shuddered at the thought of what my life might be if I hadn't escaped, and as I write this today, I shudder and wonder what my niece's life will be if she doesn't do likewise. Will she ever dream of anything greater than being a pioneer?
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